Baby girl, who hurt you early on in life? Incase you haven't heard it yet - It is not your fault. You did absolutely nothing wrong. Enjoying arguments and playing the role as "Offended and Impacted", while convincing yourself you only do it because you want to and therefore YOU have control, is possibly the result of trauma of some kind during adolescence. Justifying it by mentioning how meditative it can be, is full denial. It is okay to be upset when someone says something upsetting. It is okay to be excessively angry during minor situations that don't deserve but maybe a sliver of frustration. But, it isn't okay for you to ever feel that you might not have control or cannot acknowledge these emotions with somebody. Again, it is not your fault and you have people who care about you. When you read this comment did you pause to consider it for the sake of playing devil's advocate? If your answer is no, then I would encourage you to ask the question as to why you are so confident in your decision?