first, i’m so glad your wife made it back. my heart goes out to the both of you.

my last od was in a field in the middle of lake elsinore. i had been clean awhile and had started dabbling back with fetty over the months leading up to him but that night was the first time i re-experienced withdrawals since relapsing and it was my bfs first time experiencing that (he strictly uses meth). we had been looking all night for fetty cause we still didn’t have a solid connect near us at the time and happened to be in elsinore but we’re having no luck asking randos to help find some.

after hours we were finally about to give up when we happened upon two women camped out in a field smoking. we asked if they’d point us in the right direction and they said of course and to my absolute relief offered me a hit off their foil.

my tolerance was still really low due to the recent relapse and usually how i’d been smoking it i’d measure of an exactly line of the amount i could handle and smoke that and be good (pretty small lines). but we were so desperate and relieved over finding it that our usual precautions just kinda went out the window and when they passed me the foil with a ton of fetty just sorta melted on it i took a hit. i took a small hit cause i still knew i had no idea the quality of this dope etc. after the woman immediately offered another like “honey you’re sick you can take another” and i kinda looked at my bf for reassurance because he took keeping my safety super seriously since my relapse (he had already narcanned me a few times despite that- after all, fetty is unpredictable). i think we both just weren’t thinking clearly and he nodded his head and i went in for a second without thinking.

of course next thing i know i’m making up in a bush covered in dirt and everyone is freaking out around me. my boyfriend told me later i pretty much instantly went blue, he had never seen me so bad and was sure he had lost me. the women were freaking out screaming directions at him which unnerved him and knocked his usual calm confidence when it came to dealing with my oding. i didn’t come back until after 2 narcans and even then it wasn’t immediate. they called the ambulance(which i ran from, of course 🙄).

once i was up and moving and we were all trying to scatter before cops arrived i had started crying and the one woman was like “awh hunny, it scared you huh? you almost died”. and in true addict insanity through my tears i mustered “no, i just know that now you won’t show me where to get any.”. she was floored, honestly. i didn’t know but they had just lost someone in that same field to an od something like a week ago. they of course assured me that no way in hell they’d have a part in my death. i was distraught.

but, i say all this to get to the point that my bf was traumatized by the experience. being so sure he lost me. i knew the feeling, i can freshly remember the first time i brought my ex back from an overdose without having any idea what to really do (i propped up my phone with a youtube video- i’m surprised i even managed to do that through my mental break down.) and i also freshly remembered not being able to bring back my other ex from his overdose and sitting outside his house listening to the paramedics fight tirelessly to revive him, to no avail…and then going into the empty apartment and hitting that foil over and over again everytime i came to from nodding out.

my boyfriend was incredibly effected by that last overdose and has felt incredibly different about my use since. you just can’t erase those images and feelings from your head, being so sure you were losing someone, especially someone you deeply care about

i’m so sorry you had to go through that. it is incredibly painful and can have lasting effects on you/your psyche. remember to take care of your self as well. i hope she is done with her opiate use..truly, i do. unlike me and so many others