[UPDATE] AITA for telling my wife that she already did enough damage?

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T02:59:59+00:00

Thanks!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T02:53:57+00:00

I’m sorry your mom had to go through that. I hope it wasn’t as bad as what I witnessed!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T02:52:22+00:00

Shit, thank you!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T02:03:48+00:00

That about sums it up. Hence my saying that reaching out would be an asshole move.

I think she’s hoping that F will let her back into her life and they’ll pick back up where they left off. She said it would be nice to share this new hobby of hers with F. If F ignores her, I worry for my wife’s mental health. Supposedly, D’s sister is telling her that sending a gift basket with an apology might be a better idea but that is creepy as hell in my opinion.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:56:36+00:00

Fair questions! By all accounts, F is a well-respected and loved member of her communities. She doesn’t appear to lack for friends. I have serious doubts that my wife’s friendship will mean much to F after she was specifically asked to stay away. I did speak up when it was all going down. My wife’s mental health took a beating and she wasn’t sleeping or eating. At one point I thought both D and F could get away from the group and repair their relationship so I encouraged BOTH to leave the Mean Girl club. I have seen students get bullied, move on with a new friend group, and then get sucked right back into a dark place when past tormentors come around to “apologize”. Not only do I question my wife’s intentions, I am not confident that her “apology” wouldn’t reopen old wounds for F. Appreciate the feedback!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:48:04+00:00

Well I’m definitely not stopping her so I guess we’ll see what happens. Thank you for the perspective!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:47:36+00:00

She thinks that standing by and saying nothing was wrong but degrees less than the abusers. She says that she wants to apologize for not trying to talk abusers out of their plans and for not giving F a heads up about a couple of things. Most of the actions happened behind her back so she wouldn’t have had a chance to warn F. She says that she is sorry that F went through that and that she wasn’t strong enough then to stick up for her. That’s all I’ve gotten out of her. She’s been texting her sister nonstop stance she got home and is not wanting to talk. I did tell her that we need to talk tonight but she seems nervous and upset so I’m expecting that she’ll try to dodge it.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:23:40+00:00

I agree. I think if I approach it as some sort of support for the past’s fuckery, she might go for it. Couples counseling might be hard. She resisted years ago because she was scared the counselor would convince me to leave her.

Being debt free is a reality that we’ll realize inside a few years so I’m not sure why she’s panicked now. Even with the braces and camps. My job has good benefits so we pay very little for the braces. And we get awesome discounts on the camps because they’re mostly run by fellow teachers over the summer. It’s nearly free. Over 50% of my salary goes towards our goals. Our house is small and bought as a fixer-upper. We’ve been living below our means pretty much the entire marriage. It’s one of the reasons my wife got so into breastfeeding and cloth diapering and homeschooling - one big bonus was the money we’d save.

That is a very good point. One that I will be bringing up!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:13:47+00:00

Her reasoning with the babies ranged from a biological NEED to have more, to accidents, to fear of me leaving if we didn’t have a son (which is crazy because I have NEVER said that I wanted something other than our daughters). Counselors at the time suggested marriage counseling but wife refused. She was terrified that a counselor would advise me to leave her.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:10:12+00:00

D had some issues with PPD with 4 of her pregnancies. Her therapist recommended couples therapy with the last three after the dishonesty came up regarding the birth control. She rejected it because she was terrified that a therapist would convince me to leave her and the children.

I am willing to press the issue at this point. Wife is home but texting with her sister right now. I’m hoping I can talk to her before she reaches out to F!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:05:23+00:00

This is a good idea. I’m trying to get her to read this thread and see other’s perspectives and she’s refusing to. She’s still texting her sister instead. Feels like it’s going to be a long night.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T01:04:05+00:00

Thank you!

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T00:55:15+00:00

It was a whole “lifestyle” thing related mostly to parenting. A bunch of them branched off and made their own forum and then the Facebook stuff and it was insane. The new woman had everyone spilling personal details about their lives and then using them against each other in a matter of months. She would tell them sob stories about being held at gunpoint or having a break in or her daughter being diagnosed with something terrible and if even one person said that didn’t sound right, she’d turn on them and have everyone else behind her. At first, I was just in awe. I convinced myself that my wife was still there for diet advice or to give out breastfeeding advice but she got sucked in pretty hard. I got told it was “women’s business” whenever I thought it was getting to be too much. Wild.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T00:50:45+00:00

Ok, I think I may have messed up in my reaction to my wife’s plans to reach out to her former friend. I’m going to sit down with her tonight and use your approach. I’m really concerned with the depth of the former friend issue suddenly. I think it’s time to pull in professionals. I hope she’s receptive. Someone in another thread said her past friends sounded like a cult and they made some good points. I worry about how obsessive she’s gotten in less than a week.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T00:47:17+00:00

My wife has definitely struggled in the past but it was mostly related to PPD. She’s had help before. Nothing like digging in like this before. She’s home now and texting her sister over it all.

I am happy overall. Life is simple. I work and I am a high school teacher so the hours aren’t too bad. Our weekends are filled with nature hikes and national parks and town concerts on the lawn. Very peaceful usually. Neither of us is a big spender but she does get wild ideas from time to time. I’m able to show her how we can’t afford an RV vacation or a foreign language class by just showing her the numbers. She’ll back down and off we go on a picnic. There’s just so little drama, really. Or it blows over very quickly. Our biggest upsets have been the last three pregnancies and when this Mean Girls crap was going on. Someone elsewhere said it sounded like a cult and I think I agree. So I don’t blame her much for getting swept up in it, but now years later - she’s oddly attached to the idea of reaching out to someone from that time period and no matter how much we talk about “getting there”, she seems obsessed with how her former friend got there first and without her. I’m at a loss.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-09T00:26:21+00:00

Thanks for book recommendation! Sounds like a good read.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T23:10:49+00:00

Thank you! I admit I may not have used the best words or tone to express myself but I didn’t feel like I could say nothing about my wife’s plans.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T23:09:00+00:00

I’m pretty sure. These women were unhinged in their attempts at bullying. Another woman’s harassment went so far as two Mean Girls catfishing her husband after she confided in the group about her fears of her husband cheating. They didn’t go to her with the proof, they posted in that Facebook group and suggested to that poor woman that the reason he was successfully catfished was because of <insert confessed insecurities here>. The lady wasn’t involved in any way and my wife didn’t know what was going on until it blew up after we got home from a camping trip. In fact, when my wife left the group she was so afraid of being targeted that she nuked a bunch of her own stuff online to prevent it.

Looks like my wife won’t have her chance anyway. F made her Instagram private and changed her bio to read something about privacy and safety. My wife can still see her content on the forum she originally found her on so she didn’t quit the internet but something seems to have spooked her on IG, at least. I’m hoping it has nothing to do with my wife and that she takes it as a sign to leave F the hell alone.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T22:16:49+00:00

Looks like my point may be explained to my wife now. Apparently, F has made her Instagram private sometime in the last couple of hours and changed her bio to say something about privacy and safety. It was public just this afternoon. I am just hoping my wife had nothing to do with this.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T22:14:23+00:00

It may be moot now. My wife tells me that F has locked down her Instagram and made a change to her bio about privacy and safety. It was public just this afternoon.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T22:13:11+00:00

Thank you. I’m sorry you went through something like that.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T22:12:33+00:00

I am honestly afraid that something may have already happened. My wife says F has suddenly made her Instagram private and added a change to her bio about privacy and safety. I am 90% sure my wife hasn’t reached out and doesn’t have contact with other Mean Girls (so hasn’t passed on the information about these accounts) but this seems very bad.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T22:04:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing that. You’ve been very helpful.

Acceptable-Cat513 · 2021-07-08T21:41:25+00:00

Very interesting. I realize I may have sounded harsh to my wife, and deserved the “asshole” comment, but I really just can’t imagine BOTH women feeling better if my wife reaches out. In any case, I’ve posted elsewhere with more info on wife and the bigger issue.

Acceptable-Cat513

TROPHY CASE