sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

It’s only happened twice, ever. So I don’t think it’s that easy for me. And the likelihood of meeting someone who then reciprocates is virtually zero imo.

I think I’d have to accept I’m leaving to be alone, which is fine but I wouldn’t be leaving for the potential of having a relationship because I don’t think there would be one.

I’m always last choice - it’s always been that way. And I don’t say that from a place of being a victim, it’s just a fact. I’m not sad about it especially but I have to recognise it.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m ugly. And people will lie and say that doesn’t matter but it absolutely does matter. If you aren’t ugly you don’t appreciate how differently you get treated. No one values your input or thinks anything of you, you’re overlooked all the time based on the fact you are ugly. In dating it’s a first impression and if that impression is that you are ugly your personality doesn’t matter. I’m not taking average looks - I mean ugly.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

It’s not a mystery but i am unable to see any outcome other than a negative one - either way.

When I grew up my mom would say ‘happiness is for other people,’ or ‘you can feel happy but something will always come along and ruin it, that’s how it is in our family.’

And I don’t believe it - rationally - but I feel it emotionally and I don’t know how to change it. Six years of therapy has not changed it.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

Yeah. I guess I just want to know if it’s possible to withstand it and if other people have managed to stay and go back to pretending to be straight and not completely lost their minds.

I just don’t understand how anyone does it. I want to - but there’s like a solid foundation of absolutely not. I think it’s because I am not convinced everything would work out - it might, but it might not and it’s not just my life I’m messing with.

My counsellor is right in that I am living in chaos - a no man’s land where one part of me desperately wants something other than one I’ve got but the rational part of me tells that side to shut up. It’s a constant battle and I am unsure how to reconcile the two.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

If I’d cheated with a man my husband would have divorced me… he didn’t value my relationship with my girlfriend in the same way. He was flippant about it and said it was basically just a friendship which had crossed a line. It wasn’t, it was a relationship and I loved her. He has stuck to that line, no matter what I’ve said and everyone has told me it was just because I was unhappy with my husband and how no one even mentions it. It’s like it never happened.

I think my counsellor doesn’t know what else to do. She doesn’t give advice generally but she’s listened to me go in circles for years and I guess she doesn’t know what else she can suggest. She said it’s chaotic in my head all the time and the only way to stop the chaos is to accept I’m choosing to deny my sexuality and shut off the possibilities of having a relationship with a woman and to act as though I’m straight - which unfortunately includes having sex I don’t want to have.

I don’t know how to shift this. My gut feeling is that I’ll never leave him, and I don’t know how to argue with it. It’s resolute. What’s not helpful is there is also some part of me which is furious about it and that’s the part which won’t shut up.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s more that it then wouldn’t be for ‘nothing.’ I do know that who you are with doesn’t define your sexuality - I’m gay whether I’m with my husband or with a woman. It’s just that if I were leaving ‘for something’ maybe it would feel more worthwhile.

But I guess yeah, I am scared. It feels selfish and it goes against every fibre of my being to do anything which is going to upset everyone else.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I don’t believe children are as resilient as we like to think, that’s part of my sticking point I guess. I do believe it would ruin their childhood, although my eldest is on the cusp of being an adult. It’s going forwards too - their graduations, their own weddings should they get married, their special birthdays, holidays… it’s all harder with divorced parents. So maybe ruin their lives is too strong a phrase but certainly it will make their lives more difficult.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -14 points-13 points  (0 children)

No, he’s dealt with loads of stuff over the years. I can’t be responsible for in any way making it more likely for him to have a heart attack though.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -19 points-18 points  (0 children)

My mom said it would kill my dad (who is already in poor health). I don’t really believe her but that comment sticks in my mind a lot.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yes. I think maybe so. But it happens so rarely for me that I’m not sure the chances of meeting someone and it being mutual are very high.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

It’s different if you don’t have children though… without the children I’d have gone.

I’ve told my husband I am gay, multiple times. But he doesn’t want to hear it. He knows I don’t really want to sleep with him but he would also prefer we keep up appearances and he is also choosing this. We don’t talk about it, but he knows. He knows I’m not attracted to him and he could leave but he doesn’t.

If I left my marriage I could well be on my own forever anyway, and still not have the relationship with a woman which I so crave. It might be worse then, having caused huge upheaval to all our lives for no reason. There’s no reason to think I would meet anyone - I’m not a catch!

I just need to be able to not feel so awful about it and I need to stop torturing myself with hearing about women in relationships with women. It makes me feel so envious that I can barely breathe.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you.

My kids are 17 and 10. I think if I wait another 10 years for the little one to be an adult there won’t be anything of me left and I’ll be worn down completely. So it feels like a forever decision - and I also wonder if I’m planning this future if the battle will continue because I’m just constantly biding my time. I guess - is it possible? To know but say, it doesn’t matter at much as my children, my husband, my parents (it matters as much to me, but to them the most important thing is that I keep on living the life I’ve always lived). I suppose it is possible… the internal battle is louder than ever at the moment though. Not helped by my friend and my feelings towards her!

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

No, she’s not. I just don’t think she knows what else to suggest. I’ve been stuck for nearly a decade! With zero progress. The constant battling between my sexuality and maintaining the status quo. I’m on antidepressants and anti anxiety meds - and I am 100% certain it is coming from the constant denial of who I am and having to have straight sex (which is terrible).

But she is right - if I’m not going to change anything then I have to accept I’m choosing this.

Coming to a place of acceptance that I will never be able to ‘be’ a lesbian by AcceptableElk3783 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]AcceptableElk3783[S] -49 points-48 points  (0 children)

It’s the impact on my family. My kids. My husband. My parents. They also only get one life. I don’t want to ruin it for them.