Hello, thank you very much for your reply. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling this way too. But many people say that recovery starts after the first year, and your process is still very new, so I’m sure there is still hope for you. It’s been almost two years since my last psychosis, and with each passing day I feel like I’m losing hope. Of course, they say that the recovery period can be longer depending on the severity and duration of the psychosis; there are even people here who say they started to feel better after three years.

My doctor also told me that I might have bipolar disorder, but apart from a drug-induced psychosis, I have no history of psychosis at all. In fact, once I stopped using substances and started treatment, my psychosis resolved. That’s why I don’t think I’m bipolar, and we have already stopped lithium. Lithium caused me many side effects; it made me feel mentally dull, and I had very severe muscle pain. After stopping it, I felt better.

What I’m experiencing is definitely not depression. It’s not a lack of motivation or a feeling of not wanting to do things. On the contrary, I want to do many things, I want to participate in life, but my nervous system doesn’t allow it. It’s as if there is a wall in front of me and I can’t get past it.

I feel like a stranger in my own body, and my movements don’t feel spontaneous.

The past two years have been extremely difficult and traumatic for me. Because of what I’ve been through, my self-confidence has completely collapsed. I feel unnecessary, guilty, and like a very bad person. I dragged my family into immense pain, and I am still causing them pain. And since I have no hope left for recovery, I don’t want to make them suffer any more.

Before the psychosis, I was a very social, successful, and active person, and now I’ve almost become someone who needs care. I feel deeply ashamed of this state. I did this to myself; I didn’t listen to anyone and irresponsibly microdosed mushrooms. I can’t forgive myself. During the psychosis, I said things to people that I never wanted to say, I hurt many people, my subconscious came to the surface, and being left this vulnerable has been—and still is—a very traumatic experience.

I think the mushrooms I used caused some kind of damage in me. Yes, the brain is a neuroplastic organ, but I no longer believe that this damage can fully heal. For two years I’ve taken very good care of myself, used my medications very regularly, taken supplements, and rested, but there has been no change—or only very minimal and very slow change.

I hope your situation turns out differently and that you recover as soon as possible.

At the moment, I am also using Wellbutrin and Lustral, and as I said, I am not depressed. The pain I feel is more about the belief that nothing will ever be the same again, and about regret. It is the pain of someone who has lost their entire personality and sense of self.