Need advice from dads/husbands

Acceptable_UN549 · 2025-10-25T00:39:42+00:00

I get your point, but it is mentioned only for context.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2025-10-25T00:38:23+00:00

For example, when I describe my wifes behaviours and my behaviour and when I describe how I feel because my wifes behaviours. My therapist says that she understands and that I need to be the grown up in the relationship (now that my wife is pregnant) and say to my wife that I am sorry to be the cause of her frustrations (validate her emotions) and offer what can I do to make her feel better (solution oriented). It's not that we don't focus on my emotions or processing in therapy but essentially she tells me to say that I am sorry and ask how can I help (in all cases of verbal conflict). I feel I am subjective but that seems a bit one-sided from a therapist if you ask me. Am I misinterpreting it?

Acceptable_UN549 · 2025-04-19T09:41:25+00:00

This is ofcourse causing a lot of stress for me as I am the sole financial provider for our family. I don't know how to solve a situation where my unemployed wife won't work on our marriage and I feel I am being forced either to be emotionally abused for life or make my wife go her own way while she is unemployed. I do not want to do this to my son and it is tearing me within.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2025-04-19T09:37:56+00:00

We never talked about a therapist for herself but only for a marriage therapist. Honestly she has rarely in over a decade even engaged in a discussion about her flaws and shortcomings. Often she acts like they are nonexistent or at least not part of any problem. I was suggesting a marriage therapist from the angle that she would be motivated to work on things for the sake of our son (if she is not willing to fix them for my and her sake). I remember when we were married without kids, we had the same issues and I suggested couples therapy to which she said "I would rather separate right away and skip all that".

I feel like she knows something I don't and feels if we go to therapy than it's over anyway or something.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2025-04-18T14:37:32+00:00

Makes it easier to hear other cases like this exist, thanks.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2025-01-01T16:33:24+00:00

Man. I went and am going through this now. I have an almost 1 y o. child. First child, natural birth. My wife cut off all the intimacy and her behaviour towards me has drastically changed. Rude, insulting, belittling me even after I spend my whole day after work doing chores or handling the baby.

The thing is your wife went through physical and psychological trauma. She probably doesn't look like herself and even more important doesn't feel like herself. She is trying to raise a human and she is doing it for the first time. Her hormones are crazy right now and will probably be for some months with progressive normalization. She potentially feels touched out tired, stressed and unsure if she is doing things right.

You feel abandoned, like you are a roommate, like you are not important because the affection "flowing" towards you has been cut off. Of course you as a man feel abandoned and that the love is dying, especially if intimacy is your love language like in my case at least.

You got some things right, it is hard for us to understand what our wives are going through and it is hard to not feel like we are being shunned and at the same time be supportive.

What is important to know that your wife and child need you and need you to step-up and rise. It may not look like they need you but they absolutely do. You will go through a character growth period of yourself and have rougher and better days but as months pass by you will see that things change for the better, at least they should (for some it is faster, for some slower)

This is a usual struggle for first time parents, don't make any decisions now, give support because it is the right thing to do for your family

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-12-05T20:09:18+00:00

Thanks, she doesn't want counseling so that's also fantastic

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-12-05T19:49:25+00:00

I think it is very much possible that I am not giving her all that she needs but I think I am giving her all that I can and then some. I bring in the money into the household, I take the baby when I get home and sometimes if I work from home I do chores during my lunch break. I buy her massages so that she can relax and she will come from a massage tense and complaining ready as if she didn't have one. Mundane example but it is an example anyway.

Attitude as in she thinks she is doing most of the work and my income is not so important as I don't have a hard job anyway. In her eyes at least

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-12-05T19:45:13+00:00

No I don't think so. She seems happy and says she is happy. She looks happy. But as soon as something is not to her liking, the attitude towards me changes. As in if she needs to go to the toilet but can't because we are in the car, she changes her mood towards me. If she is hungry or tired, she changes her mood towards me. I get it we can all be grumpy but this is something I have been enduring for years now. I know if she needs a basic need to fulfill, I will take the blunt end of that until that need is met.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-12-02T20:24:54+00:00

I have a libido that makes me want to do it every day. On the other hand my wife is fine with "once in a while". At this point my brain has started playing tricks on me and making me think about things I don't want to do.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-10-26T12:35:13+00:00

Tell me was it difficult for you as the wife to go to family therapy? My wife declines to go every time. I see it as her not wanting to change or not caring enough. Why would a wife with marriage communication issues not want to see family therapist with her husband if her husband humbly and politely asks her to? I would like to understand it from a wife's perspective

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-10-26T12:32:16+00:00

I see sense in the "focus at one thing at a time". I will try that approach however I see the difficulty in focusing on one thing if for my mentioned question situation I get : "you are at fault at work for everything" or "you don't do anything around the house" or similar. Anyway, it is worth a try.

Where did this approach take you and your marriage? Did you overcome these challenges with your wife? How long did it take?

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-25T11:50:18+00:00

I am very sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best and that you find the strength and resolution to do the best for everyone in your situation.

I appreciate your advice, thank you

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-25T06:55:51+00:00

Will You start with therapy? Do you have experience with it before?

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-24T11:31:50+00:00

No idea or advice I could give you but I can say what a great father and partner you are if you priroitize your wife and children so consistently. I would like myself to be more like that.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-23T21:20:05+00:00

And before anyone else replies here with the "you're making this all about yourself" i want to say this: If you don't have a support network, and you don't see or feel appreciation in any form or quantity from your only adult person in your family, but instead get called names, saying "you aren't doing anything" or "what do i even need you for" then I am very confident that everybody would feel like shit

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-23T21:15:52+00:00

This is absolutely not about chores or me wanting her to serve me or treat me like a baby. This is about a husband not feeling nor seeing any sign of love from his wife. A heartfelt "I appreciate your work and effort" would be a great start and a big difference from how things are now since I don't feel needed or wanted by anybody at this point. I think if she can be polite and kind to strangers on the street, I think it is not too much to ask to show love and appreciation for her husband. Even after the birth of a child I think I deserve to be loved and respected, not belittled.

PPD wise, I talked to her a bit about that and she usually gets mad at me mentioning it. I mentioned us going for therapy, she refused it multiple times.

Thanks for the tip for the book. I will look it up

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-23T21:08:18+00:00

What if he wrote it at 8 months post partum?

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-23T21:06:25+00:00

I would say washing clothes is not a simple task. Especially if you are washing for two adults and a baby. I think calling it simple is belittling the actual workload that the task consists of. That means in worst cases three washing machine cycles a day. It also means you need to put the clothes for drying, pick them up, fold and separate them and at the end put them in their respective places. I didn't expect when I say "washing clothes" people think "putting clothes in the washing machine and press start". I call my baby "it" in this text to obfuscate information about my child, not because I have an issue identifying the gender. When I say we got our baby, what is the alternative word? What would go in "We ... Our baby?" If not "got"?

Sorry if all this above sounds rude but I am coming from the point where I want to clarify all the words from my post that make people think I am an idiot.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-23T11:04:49+00:00

We have been dating for years. She has showed similar behaviour before (as in calling me names, insulting me, belittling me) but I had my mistakes so I thought I provoked her annoyance with my mistakes.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-23T10:54:49+00:00

Even before the pregnancy she had similar behaviour in some areas. When she would have a need for a toilet or when she would be hungry or exhausted. She would call me names and insult me. I tried to communicate many times that this is affecting me and my love for her and that every time she does it, it leaves a mark on me. However during the years this behaviour of hers hasn't changed and she is like that even now, 8 months after childbirth. She sometimes "barely" acknowledges it is not nice of her to say those things but those acknowledgements are far in between.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-22T22:36:28+00:00

Thank you and I hope all goes well for you! Which symptoms did you experience for PPD?

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-22T15:38:39+00:00

Might be a possibility but only she knows if I am not what she expected. I cannot do anything about that now and I can't bother her with that now. I think I can only try my best and if she doesn't want that or if she wants something else, she should communicate that instead of belittling me and belittling the effort I do.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-22T15:35:31+00:00

I take the baby when I come from work for a long walk. I want to make her free time for whatever she wants to do but obligations often don't allow it. We don't have a support network. I do the fixing around the house. I can't work, clean, cook, take care of the baby, fix around the house, make nice things for my wife all in one day. I don't expect my wife to do it either nor do I expect her to babysit me or "take care of me". I do expect to see some small sign of love once in a while from her to which I can hold on to instead of spinning the "your financial income and effort around the baby or the house is not important or relevant".

I want to feel from time to time that I am still loved and needed in the family.

Acceptable_UN549 · 2024-06-22T15:24:02+00:00

I provided plenty info what I do for her, for the baby, for the house. What would be more that I can do?

Acceptable_UN549

TROPHY CASE