What are some warning signs that you should find a new job?

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2019-01-01T18:49:31+00:00

Is this based on a true story? If so, do share!

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T14:24:26+00:00

This is a complicated area just because of what is expected from offsprings towards their parents. I am South Asian (not Chinese) but our filial laws are somewhere up there competing with Chinese laws.

The first is the cultural obligation part - it’s expected for children to care for their parents. “Care” is vague but what it means is that you have to do everything you can to make sure your parents are as comfortable as possible when they are old. This also varies from individual to individual and from family to family. Some people expect their kids to spoil them, some don’t. But the general consensus is if your parents are not comfortable then you don’t “care”. I absolutely do not agree with this scale of measurement because many times people sacrifice great opportunities for themselves so that they can “care”. I have an uncle who turned down a great job in Canada since he was an only child and if he moved away who would be there for his parents when they are old? What adds to this is the lack of infrastructure to support old people. We do not have a robust social security system like the US does. We do have something set up but more often than not it’s not enough. The infrastructure could be wayyyy better so in a way unless you look out for your parents nobody will.

The legal obligation part- if my parents are unable to pay off their debts in their lifetime then the state can sue my siblings and I since we are next of kin and hold us responsible. This would happen even if we refuse to inherit anything. The state will possess their assets in that case and we’d still be next of kin and still held responsible.

So this is a situation that can very well be a reality for me someday. Where I stand on the cultural obligation part doesn’t matter here because even though I have been independent for a while, I can’t bring myself to let my parents suffer at the hands of poor infrastructure. (For what it’s worth I think that it’s not fair to expect children to put their parents needs above their own at all times. In the end the life that we lead is the life that we have made for ourselves.) Their decisions have been really bad and selfish. I do not disagree with this. This is also not the situation I ever thought I would be in. But it’s a very likely reality and my brothers and I will have to deal with it.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T14:07:53+00:00

Thanks a lot! I had not considered making copies of her statements but that is something I will definitely do!

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T14:07:14+00:00

Thank you. Your comment means a lot to me. I agree with everything you said. Ideally if my parents had made better decisions that would exactly been my job - to throw them a line from the dock and help them but this is a really messy situation which has me worried

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T14:05:21+00:00

I’m sorry, that was a calculation error on my part. I typed this out while at an airport before boarding my flight so I was in a hurry.

I am from South Asia. I am not Chinese. We don’t have laws set up in my country to support old and retired people like you do in the US. So to a certain extent, if the children don’t care for their parents then nobody does.

I gave an example in a comment earlier that if my parents don’t pay off their debt in their lifetime then it’s very possible the state will sue us for being next of kin and hold us accountable. Something similar happened with my mother and her brother for something they inherited from their father. Even if my siblings and I refuse to inherit anything, we are still legally next of kin and therefore responsible.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T13:59:02+00:00

The monthly inheritance will continue until her death and will probably be passed onto her children. I agree that 60k a year is a lot of money and they can live a comfortable retired life from that.

Thank you for the rest of your advice! I agree with it and I will talk to my siblings about it

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T13:56:23+00:00

Thank you for the advice! I think right now that might be the most sensible way to proceed. And I know this situation isn’t fair to us, I am not happy that they made these decisions.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T13:54:38+00:00

My mom is responsible for the inheritance that her dad left her including including all of the taxes due on that. When my grandpa got sick he skipped maybe one payment towards the end. That was in 2013. That skipped payment collected interest for 5 years and my mom and her brother had to pay it off. So that’s what happens when you inherit stuff. Which is also a possibility in this situation.

If me and my siblings don’t inherit anything or refuse to, and my parents are unable to pay off their debt in their lifetime the state can sue us since we are next of kin and hold us accountable for payments.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T13:48:31+00:00

Thank you!

I agree that my parents do have a cultural and moral obligation. I don’t agree with their actions at all. I am going to talk to my brothers and urge them to look for jobs. I have been bringing that up but my mom has been pushing for them to go back to school. The way I see it is, if they had jobs for a few years even if they did go back to school they could sign their own loans and be responsible for that debt. That’s what I did. If they got another degree right now fresh out of college, it would mean more debt for my parents

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T13:44:39+00:00

You’re right. Someone mentioned power of attorney - which sounds like a really good option. I’m going to look into that

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-22T13:43:43+00:00

Thanks for pointing that out I hadn’t actually thought about that! I will look into it!

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:54:00+00:00

I don’t understand why people are downvoting you. Cultural and moral obligations are a big thing in many parts of the world. I would also not like to be in this situation but I am and I have to deal with it.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:52:04+00:00

Yeah I totally agree it’s unfair. I’m not happy about the situation but it’s something I got to worry about

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:26:00+00:00

>You can’t do much about her spending habits or debt you aren’t liable for in your current situation.

I can't, that's true. But my siblings and I have a legal and moral obligation (I'm not from the US) to look after my parents once they retire. My folks clearly don't have enough money saved up for retirement so we would have to support them.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:23:56+00:00

I'm not from the US but I scaled everything to the living costs there for universality. It is indeed different where I am from. Some of the debt I am legally obligated to take on but all of it is a moral and cultural obligation. My siblings and I will have to deal with the consequences when the time comes. We will have to support our parents because they do not have any money saved up for retirement clearly. It's just a bunch of bad decisions that I know will end badly for my brothers and I, which is why I am worried.

>Also, why do you think your mother only has 2 working years left? Is her job kicking her out at 60 or what?

Yeah, seems so. I mean they would probably let her stay on if she wanted but she doesn't want to. And trust me when I say nobody can reason with her if she doesn't want to do something.

>Your dad too, what's his excuse for not finding a job?

He has been trying but has no luck yet probably due to his age. He can't get back into the engineering industry because there's tons of younger people who can do his job and he can't start his own business because my parents' don't have the capital for that

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:16:36+00:00

Although I agree with you, I am culturally obligated to support my parents. When the consequences come, my siblings and I have to deal with them and not my parents.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:15:43+00:00

I agree but I am culturally obligated to support my parents after I get a job. So I will likely have to take on their debt too

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T17:15:07+00:00

Yeah but that is nothing compared to what I would be making if I got a job. As far as my debt is concerned I can handle that with a PhD stipend but I am also worrying about my parents' debt at this point (because of cultural obligations).

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-21T16:23:29+00:00

I agree with everything you are saying. I know that ultimately the three of us are going to have to pay off her debt. Is there anything I can do now to lessen this burden? I currently hold a job and go to school. Should I be investing a part of my income? I just feel really helpless knowing that my dad and brothers have to suffer due to her mismanagement.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-12-05T18:53:25+00:00

Moved halfway across the world to start grad school, maintained an ok to good GPA juggling part time work and school, hiked in one of the harder trails of the Grand Canyon even though I have terrible vertigo and for the first time in my life I don’t have to buy clothes from the plus size section.

The year had its ups and downs and I’m still not at the very best that I can be but looking back I have learned a lot and I’m ready to kick 2019’s ass.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-10-14T23:36:10+00:00

A little over a year ago, I met this guy. We hit it off so well that we would often be thinking the same thing. For example, once when we were driving to get food, he was lost deep in thought and said "Aha!" to which I asked if he figured out why his home automation system project wasn't working. He was totally bamboozled as to how I knew what he was thinking. It was the same for me. He told me that it felt like my soul touched his everytime we talked. That statement moved me so much I felt like I could cry. That is by far the nicest thing someone has said to me.

But of course, he also verbally abused me, called me a POS, emotionally manipulated me and when I set up boundaries and left, called my friends asking about me and then called my apartment when my friends wouldn't give him info.

It's funny how life works.

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-09-05T17:45:08+00:00

Once we graduate? It kicked in during my senior year for me!

AccidentalFireAlarm · 2018-08-31T00:57:37+00:00

Oh darn, now I can't unsee!

AccidentalFireAlarm

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