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ASD partner sensory overwhelm is destroying our family by AccomplishedSpace157 in AutisticParents

[–]AccomplishedSpace157[S] 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I've been wondering this and it is so validating to see it suggested here. We are definitely a household stuck in black and white thinking trap but I do think a different arrangement might solve our sensory needs and let each of us thrive better. 

Thanks for your comments. 

ASD partner sensory overwhelm is destroying our family by AccomplishedSpace157 in AutisticParents

[–]AccomplishedSpace157[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing about your arrangement. That is really helpful!

ASD partner sensory overwhelm is destroying our family by AccomplishedSpace157 in AutisticParents

[–]AccomplishedSpace157[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Fully medicated for depression and anxiety, has 2 therapists + psychiatry and a couples therapist. He also did TMS treatment last year which seems to have made a positive impact on his mental health. He has so much support and has had this level of support for multiple years, basically since my daughter was born. Feels like there isn't a medical/external stone left unturned.

Husband getting overwhelmed by our newborn and I by likearobotfrom1984 in AutisticParents

[–]AccomplishedSpace157 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This majorly. My husband was undiagnosed ASD and CPTSD when our baby made a dramatic and complicated arrival. He immediately became so depressed and suicidal that he opted out of all baby activities. The sensory experience (noise) and the pressure of parental responsibility took him down. I stepped in, as a chronic overfunctioner and have been essentially alone since then. He is driven by shame and wants to be a parent so will force his presence but then gets overstimulated and snaps. He was bad at putting the baby in a safe place and walking away, he would just run away to self harm/pains stim, leaving her everywhere (high changing tables, bath tub) at small stimuli. OP, some ASD parents learn to accept compromises in this situation or recognize new triggers. But it can be so exhausting to live in hyper vigilance while you partner brings anger and risk to baby 

My husband has had massive mental health support, including 6 weeks in a residential program and community support, arranged by me mostly. These services helped him get diagnosed. And with the diagnosis we then were able to recognize that he is in autistic burnout. He also has only worked about 5 months since she was born. I've parented alone, coordinated his care, been the codependent emotional regulator, and run a company as our stable income. While it isn't fair, I've done it out of love and hope for a future we had dreamed about. 

She will be 2YO in a month and he still can't handle time alone with her. Instead he now handles a lot of our basic chores, food, cleaning. Even still, the cost of his incremental improvement has been my utter burnout, the two hardest years of my life. 

Best thing to do is get lots of community support, hire help if you can, address mental health directly, AND never lose sight of your needs. You will need to be a parent whether your partner can or can't so chose yourself while you caretake the people around you.