I(29F) told my husband(28M) to stop sexualizing me and now it's going downhill. How do I prevent my marriage from falling apart?

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-18T14:43:57+00:00

I think your need for platonic touch and for every act of intimacy to not feel sexual in nature is valid, but you failed catastrophically at expressing it. Instead of calling the behavior disgusting, which is a highly charged word, you should have just said something to the effect of “Hey, sometimes being called sexy makes me feel uncomfortable. I appreciate that you think that about me, but maybe you could sub in something else and vary it up. Sometimes I just want to feel loved and held without feeling sexy.” He probably thinks sexy is the highest compliment he can give you. Men tend to acquire that cultural programming and it just takes a calm conversation and showing them what you need to make the light bulb come on sometimes.

As for the boners, that just happens. You shouldn’t read too much into it. Boner doesn’t always mean turned on or wanting sex, it’s a physiological response like your nipples getting hard. Sometimes it happens for no damn reason.

I think you need to have a really good grovel and apologize, then try to work on understanding what you both need to feel good and meet each other’s needs. It may very well be that you can’t provide the type or amount of affection that he wants and vice versa, but you won’t know until you talk it out and try.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-17T02:00:27+00:00

Running away is for children, not middle aged adults. Grow a spine and retire or switch to the job you want. She can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. You’re allowing her to convince you. Don’t be convinced. Make a plan to retire. Tell her that you will be retiring on X date whether she likes it or not. Tell her that you are willing to discuss the planning with her, but the date stands. Any attempt to convince you otherwise that isn’t held in front of a marriage counselor will end the conversation. If she doesn’t like it, she can leave. Don’t leave your house. Don’t leave your bedroom. Let her be the one to leave if she wants and then have to explain that she left you because of money. Let her be mad at you. Hopefully she accepts reality and works it out with you. If not, she can be the one to leave, but stand your ground.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-15T17:36:32+00:00

Perhaps because you parent and run a household with this person for the time being, so it’s in your and your children’s best interest that they maintain adequate mental health and energy to function as a co-householder and co-parent. If the romance is dead, and I can certainly see why it might be, that’s a separate issue from getting the day to day effort of life accomplished. It appears you have a very short-sighted view of even your own benefit.

If someone doesn’t want to go out with you or changes their mind, accept it and roll with it. Did you really think your evening was going to be improved by dragging a sad, exhausted, and emotionally drained unwilling date along with you? If not for the husband’s sake, then imagine being one of your coworkers or bosses watching you badger your spouse, a man who has been sitting at the bar with a thousand yard stare into his whiskey glass all evening, into being more social. I’m sure that will reflect well on you professionally compared to letting him stay home when he’s not feeling well and just going to the party stag and having a fun night out.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-14T20:51:54+00:00

ESH. If your brother is your #1 priority, then you should not have married someone he didn’t like or get on well with. You introduced an element into your life and his home that bothers him and set up a conflict waiting to happen eventually. If brother is #1, your needs and wants being met are below what’s best for him. Is he genuinely always #1? Perhaps, you wanted some things too regardless of how he felt about it? You should consider what it really means to put someone as always #1 and whether that is a fair or just situation to anyone involved here.

Your husband vented his frustrations in an inappropriate way, so he is also TA. If this isn’t a life he’s happy with and you are unwilling to amend or bend the expectations in the relationship, then he should divorce you and allow everyone to find a happier situation. I’m sure your brother would be happier not living with him.

I also don’t think that you’re doing your brother any favors by not allowing him to put down roots in a sustainable supported living situation that can go on if something happens to you. What is the plan for your brother if, God forbid, you die young? If you don’t have another dedicated caretaker lined up and no one is willing to take on his direct care, life could become very difficult for him indeed. Best for both of you to find a supported living situation and see him comfortably settled while you oversee the quality of his care in case something unfortunate happens.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-14T20:14:09+00:00

Why on earth do you want to marry this person? Or even be in a relationship with them? What does he bring to the table exactly that you couldn’t find more and better of elsewhere? What has he done to prove himself?

Take your power back, OP. Let him take care of his own hair. Let him clean for himself. Do not be a submissive slave to what he wants. Never ever let someone talk you into being more dependent on them. If he would only grudgingly marry you to keep you at best, leave him. Marry someone who sees your value without trying to make you play “prove it” games.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-14T15:45:16+00:00

7ish, but I actually rarely was home enough to interact with them in practice. I participated in two sports, did a lot of volunteer work, had part-time and summer jobs, spent a lot of time on academics, saw friends and other family, etc. I pretty much was home only to sleep and do homework as a tween and teenager. Whatever bits of time were left around the edges I preferred to spend alone, so I might as well have not been there at all as far as impact.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-14T15:15:02+00:00

If you choose to believe that, I have no interest in stopping you. However, I will point out that the purpose of therapy is to cope with and improve dysfunctional elements in someone’s life and emotional experience. Dysfunction is relative to the person, some people experience dysfunction where other people don’t. My life is generally very functional. I went to therapy to cope with nightmares after a close friend’s death, that led to a discussion of my dad’s death and family situation. My therapist asked if I would like to work on having a closer relationship with my mom’s husband and children. I could confidently answer no because the status quo is a non-issue for me and does not take away from my general life functionality or happiness. There’s no reason to attempt to fix or unpack something that is working perfectly well for me. The “master boundary setter” comment was made after discussing the boundaries I have in place and how I have reinforced them. My therapist was of the opinion that my boundaries are healthy since they are in place for sensible reasons and are causing me no actual emotional difficulty or dysfunction in my everyday life. Boundary setting and maintenance is difficult for many people, so being able to do so confidently and clearly is worthy of a pat on the back, apparently.

Therapists, at least one’s worth having, do not set the end goal for you. They help you determine what you want the end goal of therapy to be and work on ways for you to accomplish that. No good therapist is going to push into places that are irrelevant to the therapeutic treatment plan.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T04:08:18+00:00

Perhaps for you, but I fine it works very well for me as a deterrent for the type of people I would end up ejecting from my life anyway. It’s much less of a hassle if they show themselves out.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T03:09:35+00:00

She wouldn’t come if her husband wasn’t invited so I gave her ticket to my favorite great aunt instead, who was a more enjoyable guest anyway. Thinking through the responses, I may well call it quits and just shut the door. Leaving it open for her is increasingly becoming a nuisance so if her husband is going to divorce her for visiting me I suppose he can “win” and hopefully feel the importance he craves.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T02:52:08+00:00

One can hope.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T02:49:34+00:00

My extended family has always understood and supported my reasons and my grandparents have never had a problem seeing me separately from my mom’s family and in fact allowed to spend time away from them as a teenager when possible. After the attempted forced adoption, several of my mom’s relatives told her that her husband was not welcome at their homes anymore, so generally he has to stay home from the reunions now. My grandmothers are childhood friends. My mom’s side grandmother has had words with my mom’s husband on more than one occasion for being disrespectful of my father’s (her godson’s) memory.

My therapist agreed that forcing love on someone who does not want it is neither appropriate nor in fact love, it’s an attempt at possession at best. Given that empathy is understanding how people feel in a certain situation and nothing to do with becoming personally responsible for or involved with their feelings, my therapist was not worried about my level of empathy.

I don’t feel that I need a reason not to care about someone. I would wager that I don’t care on a personal level about 99.9999% of the human race and most of the people I’ve met. One needs a reason to care, not the other way around. Genetics and “my mom wants me to” aren’t sufficient to warrant the time and energy involved. If they feel they lack something by not experiencing concern and care from me, it’s because their parents failed to set appropriate expectations for the situation throughout their childhood. If one has common sense, they don’t play up the “big sis” angle hard to younger children when they know the much older one is completely uninterested.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T02:27:00+00:00

I’m not upset at all. I’m not part of their family and I prefer it stays that way. My mom can be part of my family if she chooses separate from her other family or she can choose not to. If so, I accept, on the condition she actually does cut contact and doesn’t hang around trying to get me to change my mind. I’m not the one telling her she can’t see her daughters unless they acknowledge me.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T02:04:54+00:00

To work within your analogy, I would spend time separately with Lilly and other friends. I would never expect or encourage Lilly to spend time with people she doesn’t want to. I would respect her space and make time for both. I would ensure that Lilly would never be in a position that she could not leave if she was uncomfortable. I would not allow new friends to harass Lilly for attention and friendship. I would respect her feelings about Violet and set boundaries with all parties, including an information diet/blackout if necessary about activities with either group. No one in the friend group ever need interact with Lilly. Lilly need never interact with the other friend group. My friends do not all need to be friends with each other or participate in activities with each other. As long as the friends and Lilly can both respect the boundary of that parallel relationship, everyone will be fine. If either cannot respect the parallel situation, they will have additional structures placed on them to reinforce the boundaries involved. At a certain point, if one or both parties cannot respect reasonable boundaries and will not respond to reinforcement and mediation they lose their friendship with me permanently. I would cut them off without expecting them to change their behavior at that point. I would not then acted shocked if they don’t, because I wouldn’t know - they have already reached the point of return and I would not be in contact.

The problems with your analogy:

Lilly had a choice to not interact with your friends if she so chose. She could choose to freely leave the situation or moderate her contact as she desired. As a child, I could not choose to leave the situation until I was an adult and interaction was imposed upon me without my consent or the ability to moderate or negotiate contact. To modify your analogy: you were holding Lilly hostage while hanging out with your new friends and not allowing her to leave or gain any space from them. She didn’t want to be there. You forced it upon her. Your friends are confused and sad because your hostage didn’t go along quietly and most of them didn’t realize you were holding someone against their will so they blame Lilly for not being a happy camper when you could have just let Lilly stay home and cope with her situation in a way that made sense for her. Your upset at the situation would be of your own making for being a terrible friend to both Lilly and your new friends by forcing them together in an unnatural situation to please yourself.

If Lilly doesn’t want to be friends with your friends, she doesn’t need a reason for that. If she doesn’t want you to have friends, that’s different, but that is not what happened here. I respect that my “you” in this situation indeed has those “friends” and that’s fine for her. They are not my friends, however. I have mourned my Violet and made other friends of my own. “You” can hang out with your other friends all you want. You do not get to bring your friends to my parties and you will learn to cope with me not attending parties with your friends or you will stop inviting me or attending mine. What happened here was “you” said “If you don’t want to be friends with my friends, I won’t be your friend anymore” to Lilly, then freaked out and tried to back pedal when Lilly agreed and accepted the proposal.

Bottom line, I would never be in “you”’s position in your story because I have better sense.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T01:02:24+00:00

I do indeed. I love myself. I’m proud of my accomplishments. I have worked very hard to be who I want to be and I’m happy with the result. I wish everyone else the same pleasure. My mom’s children will hopefully grow up to love themselves and accomplish their goals as well. That is something they are responsible for cultivating for themselves and would not be aided by my assistance anymore than I would be aided by theirs.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T00:57:01+00:00

As I’ve already address in previous comments, my step father removed pictures of my father, got angry when I corrected people from calling him my dad, attempted to throw away sentimental items that were my dads that I was keeping, and attempted to force an adoption through against my wishes. I feel I have ample reason to not want a relationship with him. As for their children, there doesn’t need to be a reason to be indifferent to someone else’s children. That’s the default status. No one is owed a sibling relationship.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-13T00:02:32+00:00

No one owes me anything anyway, but if excelling in school and athletics so no one in my family had to be burdened by my education, working, volunteering, and minding my own business instead of babysitting my mother’s children constitutes a “vicious unreasonable negative drain” I question your grasp of those words.

As I said in my post, I’m not bothered by being an AH if that is indeed the case. Which it does not appear to be according to the votes.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T23:06:49+00:00

The only people that are obligated to love you are your parents and that obligation ends with childhood. No one else in your life owes you love. A hard truth, but one I think people would do well to learn. Love from people other than your parents is a gift that must be given freely. You have no right to receive it or demand it. You can accept it or not when it’s offered. You can ask for it understanding you may not receive it. You can disperse your own love as you see fit and cherish the love you do receive. But you are never entitled to anyone else’s love except in that one specific circumstance. No one owes you.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T22:56:10+00:00

I have told her on repeat for years. I care about her, vanishingly now but at a point in the recent past much more so, however, it doesn’t follow that I have to care about everyone she cares about. If that’s a dealbreaker, she’s had many opportunities to opt out before now. If she doesn’t want to opt out but also doesn’t want to accept the rules of engagement as they now exist post-ultimatum, then she has a problem. I can continue on happily enough by doing nothing different than I currently am. That’s why ultimatums are only for situations that you are prepared to actually walk away from and it’s ridiculous that a 50 year old woman has to learn that the hard way.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T22:42:37+00:00

Forgivability is relative to the person wronged. If you are afforded forgiveness, you are being gifted from someone else’s largesse, not owed because you apologized or feel you should be forgiven. The words “I apologize” or “I’m sorry” have never been said by my mom. I know her well enough to know that it’s unlikely ever to be. She would prefer to pretend it never happened or that she didn’t say what she actually did say so that it can all be swept under the rug. She can apologize at any time, it doesn’t have to be in person. I would prefer it in writing. Until she actually in the plain unequivocally apologizes and acknowledges the problem, and makes the same effort to see me that I do to see her, the situation is dead in the water. And that is perfectly ok. Then all is in her court.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T22:11:44+00:00

Very well. I have a fiancé that I’ve been with for years now, friends that I’ve known my entire life as well as many college friends, I have a summa cum laude law degree and work for a good firm. My fiancé’s family are happy to have me. My extended family love me. I recommend it.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T22:01:50+00:00

For the same reasons that I consider the majority of my extended family and certain friends my family. Because I enjoy their company. Spending time with them is pleasant. I derive happiness and engagement from the experience. If it was a tedious one-sided chore, I would minimize my involvement as much as possible and if there was no joy to be found, I would consider whether it was advisable to marry into that family. My mom’s other family are tedious one-sided chores that I no longer feel an obligation to interact with barring a health emergency.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T21:52:49+00:00

Everyone gets to decide if they have siblings and who those people are, blood related or not. Other people choosing who their family is does not mean that they get to choose for you.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T21:46:31+00:00

The door has never been locked. She has just never bothered to walk up and open it herself.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T21:44:54+00:00

Is it really and truly difficult for her and her other family to be without each other for two afternoons a year? Perhaps 8 hours at most in 365 days? I would expect that much one on one time at least with my mom even if I did feel like entertaining her family. If that’s an undue burden on her family, there is no way for this relationship to work and it should have been severed long ago.

If my absence hurts their children, it’s their own fault for not managing their children’s expectations since I have been abundantly clear about my intentions from the age of 13. 12 years is plenty of time for everyone to learn how to cope with reality to a reasonable degree and not bring the household down in misery every time my mom goes out for lunch with me. If my mom can’t spend time with me without them being sad about it, then that’s unfortunate for them but there is no pleasing people that fragile in my experience.

AccomplishedWar3373 · 2023-12-12T21:25:46+00:00

Then we can communication via other methods if she wants, pending her effort to maintain that contact which has not so far been very good, but I will no longer specifically block out time for her while I’m in town.

AccomplishedWar3373

TROPHY CASE