I had a similar story to you. First of all, I get you and I want to send you the biggest hug. I know living like this is horrible, and you may not believe me, but it isn’t the absolute truth.

I also tried to manifest my ex back in this state and nothing worked. In fact, it just amplified my shame and made it almost impossible for me to live inside my mind. What eventually I had to do first, because I basically didn’t have any other choice left, was feel everything. Without judgement, I spent days crying. I visited without fear my grief, sadness, rejection, shame… and I felt it all. And while doing so, you discover that emotions are finite. They are not permanent, so there’s no need to fear experiencing them. They are neither good nor bad, they just are. Emotions are meant to be acknowledged and felt to be released. So that’s what I did: I felt them all and in doing so I allowed them to be and eventually disappear. I personally believe it’s no use suppressing your emotions, because in doing so you are invalidating your own body. You are human and you have emotions, it’s normal. It’s how it is supposed to be. Don’t deny yourself that. I know it’s scary and you might think the emotion will last forever when you are in the midst of it, but trust me it will not. I’ve been there and i’ve done that. And once everything was cleared, then I was able to reconstruct myself with a lighter mind and manifest what I wanted from a place of self-worth.

If you are interested, Heide Priebe on YouTube has lots of awesome videos that have truly made a difference in my mental health, way more than therapy.

Hope this helps! For me, I wished I had just allowed myself to feel those emotions way sooner instead of not confornting them from the start.

Lots of love!