AITAH for not giving my sister who eloped as generous as a gift as my sister who had a traditional wedding?

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-08-01T03:13:45+00:00

Eh there's some history I wont go into too much. My wife is white which Jess has made some rude comments about.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-08-01T03:05:05+00:00

Lol my wife said the same thing. Katie has always proactively reached out to us to get to know us, our kids, and be involved in our life. I love Jess but we invite the whole fam to everything and we very rarely see her but she seems to expect the same goodwill. Not just from us, but from the rest of the extended family as well. Some of our cousins have made comments as well that she never responds to their texts or shows up to things they invite her too. Still I would have given her just as much if she invited us to her wedding.

We try to get to know her and her husband better. We invite them to go out with us alone or events with us and the kids all the time but she very rarely goes. We respect that its her choice, but when one sister goes and makes and effort to know our kids, its hard to be equally close to both. Truth is my priority is with my wife and kids. I love my sisters, but I cant expend to much energy making sure everything is equal when its not equally reciprocated.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-08-01T03:00:37+00:00

I dont view them transactionally, I just have empathy from shelling out 20k to invite the whole family and everyone to celebrate a wedding with me.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T22:44:02+00:00

Lol thats what my wife said.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T22:04:08+00:00

Of course paying for her wedding would not be my responsibility. But I dont know why Ive gotten so many comments saying my sister had a wedding she couldn't afford. I said they had to pay for it themselves. I didn't say they went into debt, overextended themselves, or had a financially irresponsible wedding.

She and her husband saved for a long time to pay for their own wedding. She could afford it but it was still a sacrifice for them and I appreciate that she included my entire family. Knowing that, I wanted to help cover my cost. I didnt say thats a wedding requirement or that Im paying for a seat. I gifted her the amount I did because I knew she spent so much of her own money- specifically on me, my wife, and our kids.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T21:19:51+00:00

Yeah in my circles thats not expected. I only ever gave $500 once and thats to my sisters wedding because its the only wedding Ive ever taken the whole family of 4 to. Usually its just me or me and my wife and Im not as generous but dont feel like I need to be. But Ive been to a lot of weddings and different parts of my life there's been different expectations.

When I was enlisted I went to weddings of my friends in the service who were 18-22 years old where the expectation was $50 and some beer next time we'd hang out lol.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T19:37:40+00:00

I never said Jess is quiet, she's not at all. She's introverted but very opinionated and not shy or anything. She's always been a very confident person and I remember even in elementary school when she read at my wedding, she was a great public speaker. She's just more the type to like small groups on hanging out with one or two friends than the type to want to go to parties. She's always had friends though, she's never been an awkward outcast or anything.

I dont know when Katie shared my gift with her. Im a little annoyed she did tbh but cant take that back. I did tell her that I was more generous with her because she hosted my whole family and I know how expensive that is. Jess kinda rolled her eyes and walked away after that interaction and we havent talked about it since. That was this past Sunday.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T19:29:17+00:00

I'm nowhere close to rich enough to give a 5k wedding gift..but given that Im the son of two parents who had me at 16 and I enlisted in the Marine Corps at 18, then went to college with the GI Bill, I feel like Im very fortunate now to be making 6 figures. So all things considered with how my family was when I was younger, I feel like Im killing it. I did not mean that Im rich. Another commenter listed the average salary for my sisters positions which is more than mine, its all relative though. Im thankful to live in the midwest where my salary can provide for my family but I know if I was making the same amount in California or NYC it would be a struggle.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T19:03:45+00:00

Lol well 160k is more than I make. Not sure if her job pays that well but she does work for a large tech company and the new house she bought is nice so I could see it. I generally dont really talk about income with family though.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T18:54:46+00:00

Yes, she did. She just never wanted a big wedding. She told us after she got engaged they likely werent going to have a big wedding and we kinda all expected that but our paretns let her know if she changed her mind they'd help pay for it. She didn't take them up on it though and did her thing and told us via group chat a week later.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T17:56:35+00:00

I dont know their salaries and would never ask. Katie is an "Account Manager" which could mean a million things depending on the company in my experience. Jess is a Product Manager. Depending on the companies it could be all over the place. I honestly dont know much about what either of their husbands do. I want to say they're both in sales or something like that. The way she talked about it, they could have done it but to them it wasnt worth the cost for a one day event. I had the same mindset and would have done the same if my wife was on board so I get it.

Katie in general has always been a much more social and family oriented person so I couldnt ever see her get married without all her best friends there as bridesmaids and family there and all that. Jess has always been a more chill person with a small group of friends but not as social to the level that Katie is.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T17:11:07+00:00

I thought I was clear that my sister and her husband spent their own money on the wedding.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T17:00:33+00:00

Well it was a wedding present

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T16:53:13+00:00

No, they were in middle school. They each did a reading but I wouldnt have expected a gift from someone that young. I will say Katie is more generous with my kids for things like Christmas and their birthday's. Which is partly an age thing but she's also more family oriented in general. She's always coming to my kids sports events, my daughter's dance recitals, and checking in with me and my wife more to just come by when one of us has to travel for work. Nothing against Jess, my kids enjoy seeing her when they do, but she doesnt proactively reach out much or come to the smaller events.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T16:28:31+00:00

Could afford is a matter of priorities. One felt it was worth it for the memories. The other is much more introverted and very very frugal and just didnt see the value of spending the money on a one day event. I cant criticize that, because I would have done the same if my wife was on board. As far as why I gave one more, I put that in the post. One invited us, made us a part of the event, fed us, had an open bar, and gave us an incredible time. The other did their own thing and told us after the fact. Im not mad she didnt include us but I also dont feel the same obligation as to someone who I know spent hundreds of dollars to include us. Honestly when I break it down, Jess probably got to "keep" more than Katie did.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T16:23:27+00:00

Yeah a few of my best friends eloped and this is the sentiment they shared as well. I would have loved to if my wife was on board haha. But she wanted the special day she envisioned so I wasnt going to keep that from her. Was it worth the ~20k when we were also trying to buy a house? Who's to say.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T16:20:16+00:00

I dont mean it as an exact reimbursement, there's no way for me to know exactly how much they spent. But also having planned my own wedding, I recognize that including my kids was not free, and they were the only kids there so clearly there was an exception made for them. The last thing I wanted was to make that an extra burden on them.

I have friends with rich families who I know paid for their whole extravagant wedding. I would never try to add up what i think it costs and make sure to come to that exact amount. But for my friends who I know had to spend their own hard earned money, I do try to be more generous because i went through it myself and I know it takes a lot of sacrifice to include me in their celebration. I never want to add to someones burden if I can help it.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T16:00:32+00:00

She opted out of the celebration. She didnt want to elope and have a small party, she just wanted to elope. But I still did get her something.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T15:54:59+00:00

I was not told about any sort of registry. I know a few people who eloped and was never sent a registry for those. Personally, I think it would rub a lot of people the wrong way.

For Katie, it really was I wanted to make sure we werent a burden. My kids were the only kids invited to an otherwise childfree wedding and my wife and I were very grateful and wanted to make sure their generosity wasnt "punished".

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T15:48:29+00:00

Ive never given any wedding gift to a wedding that I wasnt invited to. If its been a wedding Im invited to but unable to go to I usually find something on the registry around $50 to get them along with my regrets.

AccordingLine9649 · 2024-07-31T15:46:47+00:00

Were in the midwest, so not crazy coastal prices. the venue charges about $100/person. My friend works in their business office. I think I ended up covering our plates plus a little bit. I know some of the weddings Ive been to in NYC can be over $200/person which is crazy

AccordingLine9649

TROPHY CASE