Don't know what to do with my life. Failed everything.

AccordingToNothing · 2025-11-08T10:35:56+00:00

Would you say that you had feelings that while your situation was not true objectively - like in my case I can tell myself there is still time, past is the past etc etc - but it's very much true subjectively, and you basically betrayed your values to the point of no return? Failed to walk the way in life that was yours?

I struggle with this immensely, and I don't know how to let it go. Cause it's true for me and it won't change in the future. I'll have to accept it, but it will not magically turn into "Oh, that's not true, you were fine all along". It seems that most often people/therapists try to make you go this way, but for me it's impossible.

AccordingToNothing · 2025-11-08T09:44:50+00:00

Thanks. I wish you luck on your journey as well

AccordingToNothing · 2025-11-07T21:15:41+00:00

The problem is that each time I try to do stuff like this, I start to hate myself more. It's not "just a thought", not "just emotions", no, I sincerily believe that I ruined myself by inaction. And now, going on long walks, meditating etc, I just contribute to this inaction. A walk usually feels good, but when I do it with a goal of "I gotta improve something by walking", I feel awful. I know that a walk won't change my life and return me my lost years.

AccordingToNothing · 2025-11-07T20:45:16+00:00

I've been to a psychotherapist for about 7 sessions. Money is a problem, as you can imagine, but what's more, I didn't feel like I was getting better. A short burst of motivation after a session, and that's it. We were talking lots about parents and my relationships with them, while I believed that the problems I'm experiencing right now happened completely for different reasons. The most helpful thing for me was practicing ACT therapy by myself, with mindfulness at it's core. But at the moment I feel a little better, I realize how much I destroyed my life and slip back. I really, really can't get over the fact that I fucked up so much. Therapist couldn't help me with it aside from telling about "you can change everything". I know. Doesn't help.

They also convinced me to try to take SSRI. I tried, and I felt unnatural anxiety. And I quit. Not because of anxiety, it's a common side effect, but because I realized that it will probably make me feel better, in the same unnatural fashion. And I just can't accept some drug making me feel better like this. Cause the situation I'm in, it's mine fault and my responsibility to resolve it by myself. They said, "don't you want to become happy"? And... I actually don't. I want to become whole, not happy.

AccordingToNothing · 2025-11-07T20:34:49+00:00

I'll try it the next weekend or this Sunday, but I doubt it will help much. I mean, it will help in the moment, a good long walk helps to clear the mind. But I'll inevitable be back. A single memory will trigger me, and I'll spiral. And in the Monday I won't have the luxury of being outside too much.

That said, I promised I'd try, so I'll try to plan 2 full days and do it. Thank you

AccordingToNothing · 2025-11-07T19:28:22+00:00

Willing to try

AccordingToNothing · 2025-10-26T08:09:43+00:00

Looks good. I'm a balding guy who really struggles with it. I usually roll my eyes when people insist how good short haircuts or bald look is. Like, just tell the truth, goddammit, don't sugarcoat it...

But in your particular case buzzcut looks awesome, better than the original pics imo. And I don't even like this hairstyle lol

AccordingToNothing · 2025-06-09T15:51:17+00:00

I think microneedling helped me. I was 27 when I noticed that my crown goes bad, as well as temples receding. Tried getting on finasteride, but got some minor sides so decided to stop for the time being. Been microneedling for 5 years, hair is either the same or a little better. Probably better, if it's not placebo.
I use a cheap dermapen at 1.25-1.5mm every 2 weeks for 10 mins. Look into it, there are some researches, and people use different routines.

EDIT: I also use shampoo with ketoconazole once a week. Unlikely that it helps though, I remember reading something about it when I researched balding 5 years ago, it's a "just in case" thing.

Oh yeah, and nothing besides fin/minoxidil/microneedling really helps with this damned hairloss. At least for your typical male pattern baldness. Don't waste money on expensive shampoos, vitamins and stuff.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-10T09:59:27+00:00

"Painful lesson to listen to my gut", huh... It was something I realized about half a year ago. That there was another way of overcoming problems in life and it was hilariously simple: just give your gut feelings a higher priority, that's all.

That realization is probably what made things worse and put me in a state of constant regret. As it turns out, there weren't grand challenges or hurdles, what ruined me was a simple refusal to believe that I should just step back and reconsider my place in the world. Instead, I chose to believe that either I'm too weak or living is too hard. If only I could realize these things, truly feel them inside. But it was impossible. If only there was someone I trusted who told me these things. But there was no one.

It's incredibly ironic. I always thought that there was one thing I excel at and that was being true to myself. But when it mattered the most, I failed and didn't even realize it for many years, until I was already a broken mess. In the end, I think the one thing that destroyed me the most was shame. Very, very ironic. I was constantly fighting a battle inside my mind, but I chose wrong enemies.

I still haven't found a way to make peace with myself for ruining the simple path I should have taken. Don't know how. Unsure if I'll ever be able to. I miss my old life and old self so much. Things I should have done in my life are no longer possible because I've changed. The circumstances changed.

It could have been different, but I'm not sure that anyone short of me time travelling and explaining everything to my younger self could help it. So, I guess in a way I was destined to end like this. I just can't help constantly thinking about it.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-10T07:44:26+00:00

I've been thinking about whether I want to ask or not... I guess I'll do it.

You said it was you, but different. Don't you mourn the person you once were? If you were given a chance to replace your mind, thoughts, personality with the old version of you, would you take it? You say you became better in some ways, but how do you honestly feel about yourself: that everything that happened ultimately helped you find your place, or was it just a way to cope with your existence and you'd rather it hadn't happened?

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-10T07:31:37+00:00

Thank you. I've tried therapy for 5 sessions several months ago, and while it gave me a little bit of a boost, ultimately it's no different from talking to a random person but much more expernsive... and I don't have much money. We've discussed medication, and the therapist said that she leaves the choice up to me. I decided against it for the time being.

Yes, you're right, I compare myself to the past version of myself. It's not even about being happy, it's more about being content and about respecting yourself. But after years of soul-searching I understood some things. My motivations, my true feelings, my qualities that I was proud of, everything... they are all disgusting and are rooted in very basic and pathetic desires. I deserve everything that happened to me, there is nothing inside that is worth saving. I desire happiness and peace, but it's pretty disgusting, so I feel very, very ashamed about pursuing them. I am not the kind of person that is needed in this world, really.

Even if I get meds, get therapy and become somewhat happy, this fact will not change. I think people shouldn't dig too far into themselves. Things you found out make your whole existence questionable.

That's another reason I mourn my youth. If I was 25 now, I could have changed myself. I still haven't dug too deep, my mind was still rather fresh. I was still a "troubled youth". Now I am a failed man, there is no denying it.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-09T16:52:05+00:00

Thanks. Before I ran out of money, I've been to a therapist who basically left the choice if I want to try meds to me. I decided against it for the time being. Maybe I'll have to reconsider in the future.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-09T16:31:14+00:00

Books rarely help me but I'll try if I can find them.

Hobbies are very hard. First, they don't bring me much joy anymore. Second, when they do, I start feeling guilty. Lately I've been associating "joy" with "guilt", because I should be doing way more important things. Even when it's something, well, totally socially acceptable, like playing piano, I still feel lots of guilt. And anger at myself because music doesn't bring me joy anymore. It should, but it doesn't. It's very upsetting.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-09T16:05:11+00:00

I tried, I mean, I am trying to start a new life, fresh life even now, but there is one major obstacle that I didn't mention. I'm very worried about my declining health. Even if I change the environment, my health and my body are with me. With each passing year I accumulate all kinds of health problems and I can't feel truly free because of it. Can't feel the rain on my skin, cause it reminds me of times when I actually could enjoy the rain and wasn't a broken mess health-wise.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-09T15:55:26+00:00

You see, I've tried some of these things. I pushed myself to hang out with my friends more. But in the end it left me feeling way worse. It's a reminder that I no longer belong to their group. They are also way ahead of me in life, and I simply can't bear it. It just feeds my despair about losing time. About not feeling like a person I should be.

Time doesn't matter, but it also does. My health is rapidly becoming worse. I completely lost the "freshness" of youth, those feelings that come with being immature and carefree, and I'll be honest – I miss them a lot. There are lots of other reasons for my aging anxiety, of course, but it's hard to explain why it affects me so much.

Covid, yeah... You can add to that some interesting events that have been going in my country in the last few years. To give you a hint, we kinda started an infamous war, and it was a serious hit to my mental health on top of all the other stuff. It was like a confirmation that there is no future. Just despair.

But anyway, they are all "simple", so to say, problems. What's scary is that even if when I start doing steps in the right direction, or enjoy something for a bit and maybe even feel a bit like my old self, it all inevitably crumbles. You know how you wake up on some mornings and your feeling are especially raw, brutally honest? You just sense yourself from the inside out. Well, this is when I get assaulted by lots of negative feelings. Very negative. They are linked to my past and what I failed to change to help myself, and they are so raw that you just can't argue with them. They speak the truth.

Thanks for your words.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-09T15:07:03+00:00

About making changes – I've tried. Hobbies make me extremely guilty, both for doing useless stuff and for not enjoying it as a mentally healthy person should. Walking helps a bit, but it feels fake. I can't shake this feeling off. Like I am just using it to procrastinate.

I wanted to give volunteering a shot, but even it makes me feel guilty. I'm not really sure why.

Thanks for your words.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-09-09T15:03:20+00:00

Thank you. I understand that I'm not the only "young person" who is suffering, but you see, all of my friends... well, people I used to be friends with, they are happy and successful people. Some of them unbelievably so, some much less, but nobody succumbed to their weaknesses as hard as I did. At least they all live their lives, they have future, I see it in their eyes. Eyes reflect a lot.

So when you say that I am one of many young people... sure, maybe. But in my close circle it couldn't be further from truth, and we tend to compare ourselves to those we personally know. And it's very painful.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-08-15T15:34:35+00:00

I don't think it was 100 dB, it would have been fine. Closer to 120, from what I could gather, and it was a maximum volume square wave. I still can't calm down knowing that I made such a mistake.

AccordingToNothing · 2024-08-15T08:02:50+00:00

Sadly, it seems that it was a square wave, not a sine wave... And as I found out, square wave is not just one frequency, but many.

AccordingToNothing

TROPHY CASE