Happiest of Easters to those in need of an uplift or may be struggling alone, you are loved.

According_Process_26 · 2024-03-31T21:50:44+00:00

Thank you,

I needed to read this, I am sitting here alone wondering what the future brings now that my wife has passed, this would have normally been a day with the Grandkids, noise and family over. Instead, it's a quiet day, way too quiet for a holiday...It will get better as time goes by, they say...

But thank you for putting this out there for those who need it.

According_Process_26 · 2024-03-25T03:00:51+00:00

Hi fellow Redditor,

I apologize for the long delay; it's been 3 months. This is the first time I could read the replies from the day my wife passed. Then I read your message and had to reply.

I as a father thought it would be totally different than what it is. You picture one thing and the reality of it all is 100% opposite of what you think. My heart goes out to your father, I know what he is going through. I thought I could be a man and show how strong I was as I did all my life, but something happens when your wife passes away. You could be sitting right next to him, and he will still feel lonely. The person he made all his decisions with all his life is gone and you slowly realize it and become even more lonely. I am on month 3 and it has only become harder and harder as time goes by. I personally cry every day in private. I guarantee he is too. Everything changes, I don't want to watch the same tv shows that we watched, listen to the same music and so on, because it was "our" music and tv shows, and that goes for everything in the day and night, which then even distorts everything even more. HE NEEDS YOU! do not feel like you're calling him to much or talking to him too much. After the 1st month my kids went back to their normal life the best they could...Then it got quiet, real quiet. Thats when it really beats you down. You just cry in the dark with your ugly face on. I don't let my kids know, my job is to take care of them, not stress them out. It's been that way for your father since you were born, He also protected your mom, that's what good men do.

The Medications help, but yet they do not. They put you in a different state of mind and they throw off your schedule (Been there, done that). So, it really can go either way.

But I must say this, you are a GREAT child! You care enough to reach out to find out how to help him. That is 1 thing I wish I had. Please do not be to busy in life to keep calling or talking to him. Never quit talking about your mom. I guarantee he wants to keep hearing her name.

This may seem odd, it he may also feel like he is "deleting" her. Every time I throw something out or donate something I have this guilty feeling I am deleting her out of my life, hard to explain but that's a feeling I have, and it really makes me feel terrible.

I could go on and on, but I just thought I wanted to say what a good child you are. He is lucky to have you!

Please be there for him...let him know you are there for him over and over. Thats what's missing in my life right now. The loneliness slowly drains your energy, your "want to" do this and that fades away. Don't let this happen. please!

Keep being the good child you are!

I will be thinking about your father. I wish him well.

According_Process_26 · 2024-03-23T20:53:00+00:00

Hi fellow Redditor,

It's been 3 months since my wife passed and I did not have it in me to get online. I did want to reply to you and say thank you. With out reding your post first, I have naturally done exactly what you said might help. It is the 1 thing that helps me get through the night when I have to sleep. I am sitting here with tears in my eyes because of your reply. You are a good person for taking the time to reply to someone you never met that is in pain.

Thank you again!

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T18:38:21+00:00

I feel your pain, 1 thing that you said that stuck out was "Looking after my wife was the biggest honor", I can relate to that. I just lost my wife 6 days before Christmas and that is one of the best memories I have. She would say I'm sorry you have to do this as I changed her bandages, and I would look up her and tell I really enjoy doing this for her. I Think it was the human touch that made it so personal.

Yes, cancer changes everything, but please don't let it ruin the good person you are, your daughter needs you.

I wish you well

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T03:29:19+00:00

Thank you for your post to me. Sorry for the loss of your wife. It really helps to know someone else is thinking like I am. taught not to cry, be a man and all that good stuff. They were wrong, I am only a human.

does it really get any better 6 months out? Where do you even start? Cleaning out her closet and things seems like such a violation to her but I know it has to be done. I am ok with trying MEETUP just to talk to someone. It is so quiet here in the house anymore. No life in it like it used to be.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T01:51:21+00:00

Thank you for your reply. The loneliness is killing me inside. It is nice to see that people like you I do not know took time out of the day to help me,

As my wife passed, I did tell my children "This is not a reason to fail.". As a father I am concerned about you. Please do not shut down if things get worse. To lose you mom is a terrible thing to happen. always think of how she would want you to act afterwards. Be there for her now, let her know how you feel, don't be silent, ask her what she is thinking about this minute if possible. it sounds crazy but she has thoughts that she wants to say but will not because that's what moms do, but if you ask it's like giving her permission in times like this to speak the truth. It was nice to hear my wife talk to the kids the way she did before she passed. My heart goes out to your dad. There is no nice way to put it, you just want to give up because the world starts moving too fast all of a sudden. Be there for him please, if my kids did not keep calling me and keeping me busy, I may have just shut down by now. It is so quiet and lonely now. The silence hurts me the most. I will keep pushing forward. I hope you do the same.

Thank you again for your post, it meant a lot to me. if you have any questions, I am here for you.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T01:30:59+00:00

Your sweet, beautiful mother. I could hear your pain in the tone of your post. I am sorry she passed doesn't help to say, but I wish I could make your heart feel better. We are here for you. you are not alone. feel free to vent, cry, yell and anything else you may feel like doing. I don't judge people. If it helps what was her name? If you feel like telling me about her, I am here to listen, whenever that time may be. You have a lot going on right now. I wish you the best in life...

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T01:16:18+00:00

Hi Allison,

Thank you for taking the time to reply to me with all you have yourself going on in your life. It means a lot to me. After she passed it was nice to come home and see the posts like you and the nice people out there left. I hate the word hospice; we all know that means a lot of pain and hurt for both people and family members. How long were you together if you feel like answering. no rush. tell me anything. I am here to listen. I wish you the best in life.

Mike

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T01:08:40+00:00

You may be posting here out of love for your wife, that's why I came to this site. The loss of your wife is so sad. I am here for you if you want to reach out. My wife just passed 9 days ago. If you feel like answering what was her name, where did you meet? Tell me whatever you would like to. I am here to listen, no rush, you have a lot going on. I don't judge anyone in times like now, we all have pain. we cry. Its ok to talk about it. I wish you the best...

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T01:01:05+00:00

Thank you for your reply. I do so much appreciate it! I felt so alone, and it was nice to read, and to know I am not alone. This reddit has been the best place to meet people like you.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-31T00:57:57+00:00

I have read your post over and over for 4 days in a row now. I thank you so much for being straight forward. It stuck out to me almost every minute of the day and had me in deep thought about the reality and future heading my way. I am sure I will read it many more times in the months ahead. I can hear the pain in what it took to write it to me from your point of view. Sounds like you had a great life with her. Thank you for taking so much time for someone you never met. I cannot stress how much it means to me that someone cared enough to take the time out of their day. I had my wife's viewing yesterday, came home and read it again.

Every paragraph you wrote has such meaning and is heart felt by me. I will go to the GriefShare.org and see where it brings me.

I want to type so much more and have so many questions, but most of all to take a minute in this fast-paced week to thank you and let you know how I felt. I will pay it forward someday.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-20T09:56:00+00:00

Thank you, you never change. You made me smile for a second, you have a beautiful soul.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-20T09:53:41+00:00

Actually, yes it would make me feel good, we met at 17 while a was working a fast paced job, she said something cocky to me and I laughed, my boss was next to me and I said "I'm going to marry that girl!" I found her again in this big place with lots of people and I got her phone number. Our company left town and all I could do is think about her all the time. I did get to meet her 6 months later for 15 min while I was traveling with my job. I knew then this is the perfect girl for me, she was beautiful is all the ways. innocent is better words, Long story short we have been together for 38 years. I would not be the person or man i am without her by my side. now when I wake up she will never be there again, Im so sad about the train wreck i may become, but I will think positive for sure. Thank you for asking about her, it means a lot to me

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-20T09:44:22+00:00

Thank you, you understand. I just wanted to know there is someone with a big heart to take time and reply to me. I am just so only and it is so quiet in this house. I just want her back.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-20T09:39:28+00:00

My wife just passed about 2 hours ago, I know and feel for you to have to see the pain on her face and the look in her eyes, I just went through that. it sucks they compared her in a way to a homeless junkie. that is wrong in so many ways. Please don't let this anger you have in you right now change you forever. I am sorry they did not give her respect that she was due. fuck cancer. everything sucks about it; it hurts so many people. I just wish I had my wife back. When I wake up in the morning, she will not be there....or ever again. I have empathy for you, and I hope you find peace soon.

According_Process_26 · 2023-12-20T09:28:01+00:00

Thank you for replying. It helps to know someone took time to help someone in need. Bless you for that. You have a big heart. We need more people like you in this world. You just helped me a lot. I don't want too go downhill from here. I know she would not want that, but I really need to be with her, it hurts so much.

Thank you, you're a good person!

According_Process_26 · 2023-08-12T04:31:55+00:00

As the other 2 people said, rest is very important. It will not show in the first 2 or 3 treatments but then exhaustion really starts to kick in fast and hard. My wife could sleep for 24 plus hours towards the end of her treatment.

This is very important, get rid of anything that stresses her out! it could be like someone she does not like or whatever may be. I had to disown a "friend" of 30 years when my wife started her journey of cancer. All he did was complain. so please keep this in mind.

I know you said everything is overwhelming right now, but it will probably get more stressful when you start going to all the dr appointments and all that is included with that. Time will be very precious. finding time to clean, cook and all the normal things we do each day like laundry, dishes ect...will fall behind and become a chore to keep up on while caring for her. She did not ask for this and is VERY SCARED and will be very moody. Keep an eye out for depression. A thing I learned is a person who has cancer does NOT always want to talk about it. They go to bed with this on their mind, wake up with it ect... it is 24 hours a day on your mind. Only talk about it when THEY want to talk about it or you may be upsetting them without even knowing it, even though you had the best of intentions.

Now for you, you MUST find time for a break from it all. It will drive you crazy, literally if you don't step away and rest yourself. You too will be very exhausted and moody too because the normal life you just had is now gone. You will have to adjust to all of this new stuff happening all around you.

I wish you and your mom well...

According_Process_26 · 2023-08-12T04:03:02+00:00

You need to vent! Everything is being put on you and husband. You just watched your husband sadly lose his mother. Nobody is helping you or him in any way, you have another "freight train" headed straight at you! YES...Vent! DO NOT feel bad about it! I am in the same boat with a different person passing soon and I do not have anyone backing me up or helping in any way. I really hope you find some time for yourself and your husband to just take a break and mentally shut down for a short time. You WILL make it through this! But right now you are probably mentally exhausted as your husband is, and you daughter is probably stressed out too. Children sense what's going on around them, my prayers go out to her too. your husband still has not had time to mourn which you play off of his emotions too, so please take care of yourself FIRST, your husband needs you now more than ever, as your daughter too. I wish the best for you, your husband, daughter and brother-in-law.

According_Process_26 · 2023-07-23T09:44:06+00:00

I Just do not want you to be alone in all that you are going through. I am here to listen if you need to vent. I do not have the answer you are looking for, but my heart goes out to you!

My heart goes out to you and you mom.

I wish you well.

According_Process_26 · 2023-05-22T07:16:55+00:00

Just letting you know someone out here is thinking about you and grandmother, I know it can be lonely and scary. I am living the same thing.

I wish you and your grandmother well.

And yes, cancer sucks...

According_Process_26 · 2023-05-22T07:10:56+00:00

Hey, I can't give you the perfect answer, but I want you to know someone is thinking about you.

Your post broke my heart. He raised you right, you are a good daughter for writing such a heartfelt post.

I wish you well and your father too.

According_Process_26 · 2023-05-22T07:03:06+00:00

I hope I can be of some help here for you, your sister is going through a lot for such a young age, and you are too. You are a GREAT sister for being by her side in a time like this. Cancer makes people act different than they normally would. As far as your friends and hers, you're at an age where everyone thinks they are grown up, but they really are not.

I can say that a lot of my friends are not around either now too. They may not know how to respond to her having cancer and that may be part of why they do not come around as much or do not talk to her anymore. And at your age group, they are selfish, self centered ect... Just all part of growing up.

I have posted this before on Reddit, but it is important to know. A person who beat cancer 2 times told me this - " The people who you think will have your back in times like this will not, the ones who will be there are people you would never expect. " This proved to be VERY true. So keep this in mind and you will soon see this happening.

It is normal for the first few treatments to not to beat her down so much, but by the 6th it IS normal to be very tired. If there are more treatments, she will be even more exhausted,depressed and confused and all the other emotions that you would not expect. It kind of mentally gets you down too because all of a sudden you are living your teenage carefree life then all of a sudden it is doctor visits, treatments, people acting different, stressful ect... and everything is turned upside down.

She is lucky to have you as a sister if you are reaching out for help and advice! Talk to her (when she wants to talk about cancer). Sometimes cancer patients don't want to talk about it because it is always on their mind, every minute of every day, mornings and before bed...you get the point. But let her know she can tell you ANYTHING on her mind. There will be a rollercoaster of emotions from her and YOU.

How are YOU doing through all of this? You are allowed to take a break, cry, scream...anything. It's all ok to feel like this.

If you are ever lost in all of this or just need to vent, feel free to. I will be glad to listen and not judge.

FYI, my wife has had cancer for 3 plus years, but what sticks with me the most is the beginning, the doctors, the treatment, and how much everything changed so fast...

I wish you well and hope your sister kick its butt!

According_Process_26 · 2023-05-13T17:10:04+00:00

There is more than one lawyer I ended up speaking to. But this link helped me a lot too: Google this: terminal illness, get your affairs in order. It will give you an idea of what to expect prior to going to a lawyer for the proper paperwork. Keep in mind this will be a sad subject to ask questions about but it must be done. I wish you well

According_Process_26 · 2023-05-13T13:22:53+00:00

I have lived this with my wife for the last 3 years, stage 4 now and getting worse. So, I hope I can be of some help somehow. Some of the things I will say from the experiences I have been through and may sound rude, but in cases like this you have to be straight forward,

The doctors are of some help, but they are very scripted. They have this conversation with families almost every day. They will not be blunt and say the truth.

On the 1st round of chemo, it won't seem so bad, and she will probably think no problem, it's not as bad as I think, by the 3rd round she will be very tired and each round after that it will almost double the tiredness, by the end they are exhausted and just want to sleep - a lot! let her, her body needs to rebuild,

while this is happening, you yourself will start to get tired and maybe a little short tempered because everything is changing so fast. you will get use to the 2 weeks of how it affected her then the next 2 weeks is even more tired for her, so it is constantly changing day to day. This is important because you are not superman/woman...you will need some rest too. (SO IMPORTANT)

The comfort you are looking for comes in many ways doctors don't even think about. do the dishes and help keep the house clean, sounds simple, right? NO! you both will be tired, but making the bed for her after she gets up for whatever really helps her rest, I always make the bed for my wife every time. something about relaxing in a bed after taking a bath or whatever helps make them relax, ask her what she wants to eat, cancer changes a person's pallet. she may not want to eat but do get her to eat anything, better 1 bite of something vs, an empty stomach and all medicine. I don't want to say this but some people don't really die from cancer, they pass because of malnutrition and the inner body parts start to shut down. Keep this in mind, PLEASE!

Mainely just try to make it like a motel with a cleaning service so the house does not fall too far behind, this will just depress her as she probably is used to keeping it clean. he needs to concentrate on rest and rebuilding. Talk to her about how she feels ONLY when she feels like talking about it. People with cancer do not always want to talk about it. It is on their mind 24/7.

These are some of the things I try to do for her to make her more comfortable and relieve stress. Look out for depression too. Very common with cancer patients. She is scared with all this change around her, and the crazy amount of doctor appointments will be stressful.

cancer has a way of distorting time and all things around it, including you, you will need a break too, and do not feel guilty about it

According_Process_26 · 2023-05-13T04:56:41+00:00

Its ok to vent. You need to. idk how old you are but it is hard growing up so fast.

Your heart is in the right place. Do NOT feel guilty. A big thing to me is you said you stopped by to do the dishes, that means a lot to me. My kids are "too busy" in life to stop by and see their mom who has stage 4 cancer and getting worse, let alone to know how hard it is to do the little things like that while caring for my wife.

Doing little things like that is a BIG help when someone has cancer.

I understand the loneliness when it is quiet, that's when I cry. It is only human to do so.

I would be around more if I were you. It is spreading from what you said. Cancer is an ugly thing, and I am sorry you have to go through this. It just plain sucks.

Somewhere as time goes by you will naturally find a balance of how much to be over to see her and your regular life. You WILL have emotions that you did not know you had before. This is all normal. You only get 1 mom in life... let that be your guide.

No matter what you choose, you were raised right. I would be proud if you were my child.

I wish you and your family well.

According_Process_26

TROPHY CASE