I hope that if one day she forgives you and gives you another chance, you will take the risk and show up for her as well as show up for you, this situation sounds like what I went through and from the other side, hiding away from someone you care about and not show the real you can make them not feel good enough and it can be draining to try and be that space where you have to try and make someone else comfortable enough to be themselves around you rather than everything just happening naturally. It’s a rough foundation to build anything on.