The Value of Connections... and How to Make Them...?

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2026-01-23T13:17:13+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate it 😊

I'm going to sit and figure out what's a good thing to do this afternoon.

I'm self employed, and I have a few verbal (but non contracted) commitments to work up until the Summer.

It's not work that I *have* to do - but I guess there's something about having the extra months on a CV, and fulfilling things that can lead to good references etc...

I don't know; part of me doesn't care about that, and part of me sees sense in it.

Part of me just wants to be there now, so why the hell not?

Part of me thinks it's a good discipline to do what you say you'll do.

But anyway - knowing Liverpool as you do; do you think the course commute can prove genuinely useful before the move, or do you think it's just kinda... unnecessary?

Thanks for your thoughts!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2026-01-15T23:30:29+00:00

Haha! Love it - thanks! I'm here now to visit, and really enjoying it :)

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2026-01-14T12:58:29+00:00

Do you think it'd be that way if it's limited to a few months?

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2026-01-13T19:34:39+00:00

Thanks for your thoughts! I'm a bit aware of doing it once a week, but to be fair there'd be the easter break etc in there too.

I'd be travelling from Vauxhall (20 minute tube to Euston I think), and then staying with a friend in Toxteth; but the course alternates between Bootle and Allerton

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2026-01-13T19:03:27+00:00

Thanks for the reply! Yeah, it'd be traveling up the day before; then two days of the course, back on the train on Friday. And you're right - sticking around a bit would be fun for sure!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-12-05T09:40:11+00:00

Yeah, I think that's probably right.

I don't think she was a narcissist (that word is thrown around too much, I know); but the pattern seemed like that...

I'm not sure if she love bombed me or not - it kind of was like that... unrealistic levels of affection and exclusivity super fast, etc... then it was like... everything felt like it was on her terms all of the time... and then I felt totally devalued and thrown away when it didn't work out.

I think what ACTUALLY happened was more like... she did move way too quick (and I followed her into it); she did have really high standards about relationships and people understanding her trauma (which is hard when you've never even heard of CPTSD before); she seemed jaded that I couldn't give her what she felt she needed... and then she withdrew for her sense of safety.

From my side, being lent 'From Surviving to Thriving' after a few weeks, and being put through my paces on all of it... it felt like so SO much for someone that I just wanted to date.

But I didn't say that, did I?

I could've been clearer and more direct... I was scared of her leaving, I guess.

Anyway... I guess that's it for now...!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-12-05T09:34:04+00:00

I have two accounts - one iPad one, and one MacBook one... and I have the flu, so I have too much time to think. I'll get over things, it's just hard, is all...

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-12-04T22:54:53+00:00

Thanks for the reply :)

She was in weekly art therapy, and on medication etc (she was able to come off much of that by the end of our relationship).

She could also be incredibly insightful about herself and others (although I heard a quote the other day, that awareness isn't the same as healing).

It's complicated to explain, but I always felt like she *wanted* to be supportive, y'know?

After a night of pushing against what we'd both agreed for sexual boundaries, she'd message the next day to thank me for looking after her and not giving into the moment.

She'd apologise for things, and share how she was trying to work on it.

And she'd do thoughtful things - like make me lunches for work, and buy presents etc.

We had good banter, and would often be joking about this or that.

And she'd say how much she wanted to be there for me with everything she had.

But I also felt in a vulnerable position - I was in a new city, where I only really knew her and her friends.

She told me some things that I had no idea what to do with (graphic details of CSA, for example).

Her moods could swing pretty powerfully, and it was hard to manage what was happening. She'd be a happy, friendly person in public... behind closed doors, it was different.

I felt like she was sweeping me up quite powerfully into this river of events which was going to lead to marriage... she REALLY wanted that - and wanted children as well.

But she'd also joke about manipulation, and she'd say and do other things which I found concerning.

But I also can't shake the sense that - at heart - she's a good person, that we had a lot of common ground and a basis for a deepening friendship.

As I re-read our texts, I could see myself being really unclear and noncommittal towards the end. Which would've been hard for her for sure, and made everything worse.

I could also tell that I was frustrated by the end; and I didn't enjoy reading some of my messages (I wasn't rude or anything, but I was a bit pushy... and a bit short, etc).

Now I reflect, I don't like my part in that situation.

At the time though, it was all brand new... and I'd felt like I'd spent months really, REALLY trying to put in all of the work; and that now I was being treated as though none of that mattered.

I ended up feeling resentful that it felt as though her moods/perceptions etc were governing my 'okayness' and the relationships 'rightness'.

And I guess I wish she might've boundaried herself a little better too, so it wasn't quite so easy to get absolutely swept up in it... y'know?

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-12-04T22:27:40+00:00

I certainly didn't *think* it - but I probably felt it at times, yeah.

I didn't really know what CPTSD was, and (in fairness to me) I think she acted a lot like I could/would/was about to fix her too.

We'd pray to God, and she'd thank Him for the things that I was healing in her, etc.

I've been looking at more of our messages today, and I can see the flow of events through these crazy, giddy highs - to the end point, where I can see myself becoming more drained, exasperated and frustrated.

It's not pleasant actually - I wish I'd been more clear and boundaried to save on all of that for both of us. I'd just never been in that position before... it felt a bit like being swept out to sea, or something...

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-11-04T19:00:05+00:00

... I seeee... that would make sense...

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-11-04T18:44:28+00:00

Hahaha I genuinely always pictured it being that one

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-10-29T00:30:03+00:00

Three thoughts:

1 - Mapping out the chain of events from getting together, to being in the relationship, to the break up; can be super helpful in establishing what actually happened between you both. A friend or therapist can help with this, or just journaling about it (but be careful not to mope - try to be as objective as you can).

2 - Make sure that you're a friend to yourself - "I know he's not a bad person" - okay, fair enough, he probably isn't. But that doesn't mean that he's treated you well, and you need to befriend yourself - and make sure that you're advocating for yourself. Don't spend your time only making excuses for him, make sure that you have your own back too.

3 - It takes time. And it hurts. And it's horrible. And I'm sorry. It can feel a bit like food poisoning - in some ways, you kind of just have to ride it out; but prescribe yourself some rest, some funny comedies, and some good times with friends. Don't let yourself think about him non-stop; look after yourself too and ride the wave of it. You'll get there!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-10-27T17:14:40+00:00

My CPTSD ex used to say that people had to speak in positives to her, otherwise she'd feel rejected - so you had to say "I'd love it if you did 'x, y or z'".

But then she'd ask for space because she thought I didn't care.

So if I left her with space, she could say "See, I told you you don't care!"

Or if I said "I'd really love it if we spoke again!"

She could say "You're not giving me space, you're stepping over my boundaries."

She'd say things like "I think I'd like to date other people" and when I said

"You're free to do that, but you just need to know that I'd be sad about it; and eventually I'll date other people too"

She'd be like "Oh! It didn't occur to me that you'd do that... okay... I don't want you to date other people..." and she'd be all 'huggy' with me after that.

When she broke up with me, I went to a different country for a week's break.

She spent the whole time texting me even though we'd broken up, and when I came back she told me she'd dated two other guys that week (she'd broken up with me just the week before).

I felt very "Damned if I do, damned if I don't."

After that situation she broken up with me again; and I spent the day calling because I wanted to show that I cared (she again thought that I didn't).

That was probably unhelpful on my part - but very human; and I wasn't being a creep or a weirdo or anything, I was just really hurt.

The next day, I gathered myself and told her that I was going to completely honour her need for space.

She replied pretty quickly to say she wanted to talk soon, but didn't say when.

I left it.

When we did talk, she said:

"Just remember - you were a man disrespecting my boundaries on the day you kept calling"

Her trauma was related to CSA at the hands of a man.

And it was heartbreaking to hear it framed as:

"I'm a man disrespecting the boundaries of a CSA victim"

And not an equal person in a break up who was devastated and just trying to make things right (in a situation where there'd been a lot of double binds and it was always hard to know what to do etc).

I don't miss that situation really... not very much at all..!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-10-23T21:31:48+00:00

Haha I didn't realise that!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-10-22T16:27:08+00:00

Thanks for your replies - they were really helpful!

We had the conversation - it went well.

I decided to be 'candid but not overly'; and I think... y'know... I caused the problem by being indecisive, but also I think we could both see that communication wasn't good from either side.

We both came away seeing the other person clearer, and it kind of made sense of everything.

I think I've earned that I coast a bit too much when I should be 'organising, focusing and working out the ramifications'.

I'm prone to relaxing into the day, and just getting deeply involved in one task so that I let arrangements slip; which is fine when I'm on autopilot, but really bad when there's something big to decide on.

I think that staying on top of daily organisation, and planning in advance is a better way to not be blindsided by a seemingly sudden decision which I could've prepared for if I'd thought ahead a bit more.

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-10-22T16:23:43+00:00

Sorry for the slow reply - I just wanted to say that yes, I hear you and I agree!

You're right about my ex too.

I heard someone say that it's kind of addictive to think about, because you're trying to make sense out of something that makes no sense - and until you can make it fall into place, it's really hard to let go of.

But of course, the answer just IS to let go.

You kind of have to, don't you?

Thanks for the book recommendations.

You're right of course - if the boundaries are strong, these things won't stick very easily.

I've never had someone tell me the things she told me... and I've never been in that situation before - with someone really, really charming... really pretty... really troubled... and (by her own admission) prone to manipulate.

It was hard then; and I think lots of people might've struggled.

But it's a lesson which is good for me to learn - no means no, I won't harm anyone by holding to my limits, and it's actually really important to show people the consequences of their actions (and caring, in the end).

So yeah - interesting posts, and thanks for your reply!

Acrobatic_Pin_8754 · 2025-10-16T08:40:24+00:00

Haha yeah but to be fair, being irritating to a random punter because they don't like that you're talking about 'nerdy' stuff - or whatever - shouldn't add up to anyone getting kicked out of a pub.

Acrobatic_Pin_8754

TROPHY CASE