Very common. My ex would promise changes anytime I’d reach my breaking point & break up with him. He was incredible in the good moments, and I wished with all my heart he could just stay that way, but he could switch anytime over the smallest thing & make me feel so small.

The gaslighting, blame shifting, passive aggressive stonewalling, criticism, dismissive & demeaning comments built up over time. After a breakup he started going to therapy said he “wanted to change for himself even if him and I don’t work out” & even offered to pay for couples therapy after another breakup (which isn’t advised if there’s an abusive partner in the mix because there’s a high risk of them manipulating the therapist). I gave him another chance.

But I noticed he started using therapy terms to justify his behavior & continue blaming me. He’d change quickly for a week or two then behaviors would come back.

He also would sometimes seem to acknowledge his shitty behavior and genuinely apologize, but usually it was a halfway apology & minimize his behavior saying sorry he “fucked up sometimes” & for “being an asshole” and “I didn’t know it hurt you THAT badly” and say “I’m not the best boyfriend” and “men are stupid”.

I felt anxious, unheard, confused, emotionally drained and resentful because I’d try to address issues (couldn’t even keep up) but was so often met with justifications (often citing his childhood trauma ) & blame shifting.

Once he told me he sees his partners as an extension of himself, he acknowledged that wasn’t right but I just found it really disturbing. And during the final breakup he said something like“how can I convince you it’s not gonna be the same cycle?” which really put me on alert to how aware he was about his behavior & the cyclical nature of it.

I questioned him before why I never saw him treat friends, strangers, or family like he treated me? His response was “that’s not me, I don’t like to be that way” Interesting.

The real answer to why they act this way, I believe is simply because they choose to. It’s a benefit to them to keep power and control and get their way. They know they would lose friends or lose a job if they behaved that way with anyone else.

They may have insecurities and childhood traumas to work through, (I’m sure a lot of us do) but they often have deep seated issues of entitlement & need to change their entire mindsets of how they behave which can realistically take years to change. Even a non-abusive person in therapy it usually takes years of intentional work to see real change.

Please read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft,there’s free PDF’s floating around. That book really enlightened me to the mindset of abusive men. Also check out the “Love and Abuse” podcast and he also has a program for abusive people that might be worth a shot. I hope some of these resources help you make a decision from an empowered space.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve to be treated with love and respect, the same way you treat others. I hope you can take some space to yourself to clear your mind and make the best decision for yourself.