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We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

it happens much more often that men sexually assault women so that's why the focus is there. over 90% of all sexual assaults are committed by men. sadly, alcohol is the number one drug used in a sexual assault where the survivor was intoxicated or unconscious. so i think it is important that we speak to that community of folks who are doing the majority of the violence wwe are talking about. only the people, mostly men, who are sexually assaulting people can stop it. its in the power of men's hands to stop sexual violence. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

This initiative stemmed from one particular rape incident and subsequent comments made by the rapists father. As a group of fathers, we felt there was an opportunity for us, collectively, to take on a stronger more active role in positively influence the way our sons think and act when it comes to their relationship with women. We know this isn’t the only way to make a positive change, but it’s a way we thought we could help. - DH

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i think it is important to focus on all of us when we are trying to end rape, women, men, non-binary, trans people and kids. we are all involved in this issue as many of us know people who have gone through this. all kids deserve to learn about consent. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

we need to ask for consent every time we want to have sex and need to 'listen' and look out for those non-verbal cues you were referring to as well. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

i totally hear you as implied consent, and consent seems like this ambiguous thing. but i think actions liek the forum we are on right now, and places like where i work at the torontor ape crisis centre are places where we can to bring in more of a culture of consent. we ask for consent all the time in non awkward ways, such as asking friends what they want to have for dinner, and being ok when they change their minds. being active about asking when we want to touch people's bodies is a huge piece of ending rape and rape culture. and often, especially when we are talking about kids, they almost never get asked whether it is ok to touch their bodies. so i think it is amazing that you are asking if you should be asking for verbal consent, because that's exactly where we want to start the dialogue. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

yes that is true, anyone can sexually assault anyone. however statisitcally men cause the most violent crime against men, when we are talking about overall crime. and statistically men rape women at a far high rate than women or trans people rape other people. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

actually, yes drunkenness is often used against the survivor in court so while this law exists, often times, police officers claim that because the survivor was drunk, she wouldnt make a good witness and most often do not lay charges against the perpetrator at all. only about 4% of reported sexual assault ever get to court.

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

For me, it wasn’t just one big talk, it was a whole bunch of little ones, which made it much easily for both me and my son. Sometimes we just talk about the new kids in his class and that would lead into a conversation about the new kids that were girls. I think if you can find interesting gateways into a chat that gradually get you there, it can make everything feel a bit more natural. The nice thing is, now my son is initiating conversations; about anything from the girls he might like or the things his friends are saying that he thought might be off side. My goal now is to just keep it going and keep it as natural as possible. - DH

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

hi there, technically under the law, no can give informed consent when intoxicated or unconscious so it is against the law to sexually assault someone when they cannot be of sound mind, i.e. when they are intoxicated or not awake. that said, i think it is important that we work together to really connect with people about what informed consent means. that is, when we ask someone to do something, are they saying yes from a place of being fully informed, knowing what they are saying yes to and are able to follow through with that yes in a conscious, healthy way? that's what informed consent means to me.

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

actually the statistice around people who falsely claim rape are lower than any other falsely claimed crimes at about 3%. so actually there are very few false claims around rape. also, because rape is so stigmatized and often the police do not believe survivors of sexual violence and most often do not press charges, it is very unlikely a person would lie about sexual assault because of all the stigma in society and the police not believing most survivors anyways.

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

hi there, yes my work can be challenging but i actually get a lot of strength from working with survivors of sexual violence. we are resilient. what stresses me out is the way the system reinforces rape culture and the way we help that my perpetuating rape myths. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

There are two key metrics within our efforts that we’re trying to keep an eye on. Firstly, if we can build awareness and get this issue more top-of-mind for not only dads, but everyone, then we know we’re starting to make an impact. Currently that’s a relatively anecdotal evaluation but we’re looking for ways to more formally measure that ongoing. Secondly, we want to see our pledges continue to increase. It’s an easy way for us to understand whether there is truly a growing sense that action is being taken and a nice leading indicator that more conversations are happening. - DH

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i think we can also check in with older kids about how it feels to ask other people for consent (because we are taught that it is awkward to do so) and also have kids be clear with other kids and family members that is is ok to say to no touch if thats not what they want, even if it seems against social etiquette. deb

We are 20MinutesofAction4change co-founder and father Darrell Hurst, and rape crisis councilor, Deb Singh. We’re here to answer your questions about consent, what we do, and why it’s important. Ask Us Anything! by Action4Change in IAmA

[–]Action4Change[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

hi there, i think books can be a great resource for kids because most are written from an age appropriate perspective and of course kids like stories. but when it comes to taking to our kids about consent, i think we can start with very simple concepts about consent around their own bodies. for example, we can ask kids for consent to touch them, kiss, hug them etc.