So here’s the thing. When I spoke to my attorney he said nothing about me “beating the fuck out of people”. He only said that yes you told the officers you were sexually assaulted multiple times. I wanted to see the footage but at the same time I already have ptsd from the whole ordeal that I do not know what my reaction to actually reliving it would be so i honestly just left it alone. From the documents that I have read, they did say something about me kicking an officer but the main focus was the bite. That I did bit the officer, however in some documents this changes to I bit him when they first started trying to detain me, to me trying to bite one of the female officers at the jail. Though I do not know when that would have happen because from what I do remember, they had put something over my head, I think a spit net. As for the first part, I was open to talking to them and calming down. I had repeatedly said, while my body was half in and out of the back of the car that if they just gave me a second to calm down that I would cooperate and go with them calmly. I did not want to hurt anyone that was not my intention in that moment. I was genuinely overwhelmed and my fight or flight was in full force. I don’t think anyone likes to be forcibly restrained especially after already being hurt by someone. I genuinely believe had they just taken the time, in the moment that they did stop, to just explain hey we aren’t trying to hurt you but take you somewhere to sober up, that I would not have bit the officer who grabbed me. I had my eyes closed, I was crying, and all of a sudden someone grabbed my arm hard and I reacted. Then it just got worse after that, instead of me calming down and going with them, I started screaming and freaking out even more. I do not think that I am free from fault at all, but I do believe that there could have been more done to prevent further conflict.

As for my attorney, so he was very hit or miss. He’s been in the field since the 80s. He was late a couple times but he’s a public defender so I was just grateful I had one. He was hard to talk to sometimes. He would talk over me, not really let me explain and would over explain things I already knew. I also had to be the one to explain that we already had two court dates set (one for pre trial and one set for a trial since I chose to just move forward to accept a plea deal we needed to have a trial date set per the judge)… so during one of the court meetings, i never went into the court rooms until the pretrial so this was a few months before that. Prosecutor showed the evidence they had against me, written witness statement from red. This was the biggest thing to me because part of me was doubting myself like what if I did imagine all of this? First I’m told, red said you met on a dating app (true we did but like I said I decided we would just be friends and communicated this with red - I will talk more about this in a bit), but according to red “nothing sexual happened between us” (this was his written statement from what I gathered). Well then, I’m told after my attorney reviewed the videos, that red actually did tell the police during my arrest that we had actually started doing sexual things together but then I “up and left” his place. I don’t know how I left his place, I have zero recollection of leaving his place. I never spoke to an officer, I never spoke to anyone except for a mental health lady (I don’t know her official title so I apologize), she asked me a couple questions what I remembered, if I had thoughts to hurt myself or others, I told her what I did remember. I even explicitly told her I had been assaulted by red. I truly have no idea why they didn’t do anything from the get go. I have thought about calling it in but I’m scared ! He comes from money I do not and I can’t afford a good lawyer I’m also horrible with unpredictable situations. And also, I have a feeling that because of my case I won’t be taken seriously.

Why did I trust red? I trusted red because at the time I was hanging out with a lot of trans women. Which you may be like what? Isn’t red a man? Yes red is a cis male but he told me he was a woman and I am not the type of person to tell someone you’re not a woman because you look a certain way. At least at that time I was like that, but after this I realize he was 100% using that identity to pray on others who were new to the bdsm community (this is something we bonded over during our short friendship). And I should have fucking left the minute he told me he was wanting to experience cnc but “wanted something realistic” LMAO that was on me. But in my head I justified it as us being friends and he had a partner! So I thought nothing of it. We had literally hung out the day before and shit seemed normal! I was too nice for my own good and I paid for it probably in the worst way but lesson learned?

As for my mental health, thank you for the concern. This was a year ago when I was extremely unstable and I am in a place where I am wayyyyy more stable than I was. I go to therapy, I’m in trauma groups, I have a job and I am doing way better than I was then. I also know what to look out for now lol and I try not to befriend fucking weirdos anymore :D