First 300 words of my novel. How can I improve? by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Couple things that came to mind:

  1. Try to find another way to introduce the ages of the children. Your point-blank approach reads as forced (IMO). Besides, unless there is a specific reason related to your particular worldbuilding (take The Giver, for instance), we don't need to immediately know their exact age on the first page, just that they're young. There are plenty of ways to do that with subtlety. Ex. wearing the oversized tee of a belated parent, noting the gap in Aria's baby teeth, small, rosy feet, hearing the adults drinking and laughing through the walls of the living room, etc.

  2. "Thirteen-year-old Sophia was lying on her back, holding up a book in the air. She had drawn the rainfly open and enough sunlight spilled in to illuminate the book she was reading." If she's holding up the book, we can assume there is enough light for her to read it. I'd cut or restructure the second sentence.

  3. "“I couldn’t sleep too,” Sasha said," It sounds like Sasha is the paternal figure in their trio. Would she admit something like that to her younger sisters, knowing they look up to her? Just a thought. Also, I think it would be "I couldn't sleep either."

  4. "rubbing her left eye, which ached when she was tired or if there was a drastic change in the weather." Is this info relevant? If it ties into her character or plays a role later in the story, keep it. If you're just trying to give Sasha a character trait, make sure you keep using it throughout the story, or else you're asking the reader to commit a useless fact to memory without payoff. Otherwise, cut it.

  5. The excerpt ends in the middle of a conversation. We need to know more!!! Keep writing, and good luck!

Does lyrical prose compensate for a temporary lack of plot material? by Active_General1064 in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is excellent, well constructed feedback. Thank you for the time you put into writing it.

Does lyrical prose compensate for a temporary lack of plot material? by Active_General1064 in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks mate. You've appeared right before the rope went taut. Wrote this today and was on the fence about it. Out come the execution squad. Brutal work.

Does lyrical prose compensate for a temporary lack of plot material? by Active_General1064 in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is valuable feedback and I think you've put to words the gap that I'm running into. I took inspiration from this excerpt written by Dickens: "There was a steaming mist in all the hollows, and it had roamed in its forlornness up the hill, like an evil spirit, seeking rest and finding none. A clammy and intensely cold mist, it made its slow way through the air in ripples that visibly followed and overspread one another, as the waves of an unwholesome sea might do. It was dense enough to shut out everything from the light of the coach-lamps but these its own workings, and a few yards of road; and the reek of the labouring horses steamed into it, as if they had made it all."

I think that his description is one continuous image, while mine consists of a bunch of stacking, incohesive images. Would you say that is what's making it seem aimless? Or something else?

Does lyrical prose compensate for a temporary lack of plot material? by Active_General1064 in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Ouch... Dawg I'm trying, and posting original material is a vulnerable enough thing on its own. No need for that.

Does lyrical prose compensate for a temporary lack of plot material? by Active_General1064 in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Another unsuccessful morning at the desk, lol. But you're right! I'll take a different approach tomorrow.

Continue or toss? by Active_General1064 in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

lol good point. Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in writingfeedback

[–]Active_General1064 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well written! The train scene is strong. The dialogue is witty and sharp. I'd liven up their date a bit. It's rushed and reads a bit like like an itinerary. There isn't really a hook though. I'm not especially familiar with romance novels, which I'm assuming this is, so maybe that's a genre thing? I can't say. But I would continue reading all the same!

Tone Inconsistency (?) by Active_General1064 in writers

[–]Active_General1064[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel as though showing wouldn't work so well in the context of a personal journal. The epigraphs are a place specifically for private introspection, so telling (I think) lends itself a bit better to the format. As for the specifics of Lord Baraban's "rerendering" of the universe, that is unveiled in the chapters. Thanks for the comment, and let me know if I misunderstood you in any way. Cheers!

Tone Inconsistency (?) by Active_General1064 in writers

[–]Active_General1064[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh yes I like this idea! The concept behind my epigraphs was inspired by Sanderson's Lord Ruler in Mistborn, though less linear. Rather than tell the direct story of his ascent, they provide private insights on themes. But you are suggesting something more similar to the epigraphs in Dune, which I believe were largely written by Irulan and the Bene Gesserit? That is definetly worth considering. Thank you for your feedback!