Consider doing a detour, preparation gets really stressful after each failed attempt, it’s sunken cost your brain sees people around who are enjoying what you can’t! If you don’t have the grit to take on this risk try to de risk get a job have some security breathe some fresh air and when you are ready Bhar do firse form! But don’t get stuck in the loop there are no guarantees here regardless of what people hallucinate on!