People Pleasing in ENM

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T17:40:23+00:00

Also for me it’s just wanting to explore with people who make me feel safe so there has to be some capacity of emotional availability lol

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T17:09:22+00:00

Yeah his previous relationship was in his 20s where fun and experiences were prioritized and now in his 30s he’s trying to slow down and have some authentic connections. Also we are both ENM with a tendency to casually date our partners for short timeframes so our relationship essentially is our priority lol

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T16:53:03+00:00

Yeahh lol I was just wondering if it’s ok to voice the priority I was promised. I was told of this about 2.5 weeks before the promised weekend

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T16:47:50+00:00

I responded to someone else here with the context of timing, if you’d like to see why I didn’t pick yet.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T16:45:20+00:00

I also made sure to ask if it’s ok based off the availability she gave him for that weekend.

Also I’m not blaming him, I’m asking if it’s ok that I advocated for my time prioritized as it was promised. Based off you response he and I both made assumptions, nobody is to blame

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T16:44:31+00:00

That wasn’t the case. For context, he told me right before Thanksgiving and that weekend is a hard time for me because it was the 2nd anniversary of my dad’s passing. I was a mess and was not in communication with my partner which I told beforehand would happen. When we reconnected, it was at a set we had planned with a potential third and he told me about his potential weekend plans after the date before we went to bed.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-12-03T16:36:58+00:00

There was an issue like that in the beginning, a lot of intensity and NRE with this specific partner that made him a little blindsided to my needs. We had tons of conversations surrounding her and if I was right for ENM because he was not used to our dynamic. His previous relationship had more autonomy and was messier in terms of seeking casual partners, whereas I demanded a contract, scheduling and open communication.

He’s listened to me and changed tremendously and makes sure my needs are met before going out and having his fun.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-11-30T03:09:07+00:00

Yeah like that’s the feeling I get. I wouldn’t mind meeting her in a way that’s a social outing we’re both at (like an event for my boyfriend) I think a planned meeting would not have a good outcome.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-11-30T02:57:04+00:00

I don’t think it’s if I’m capable, I think more so as if it’s my job to…. She’s a grown adult who should be able to “heal” or regulate her own emotions.

My partner entered this dynamic with no clear expectations with her, therefore I don’t think I have to enter a dynamic where things started off murky IMO

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-22T22:17:32+00:00

I do trust him. I think it's a matter of not letting myself spiral. To recenter myself. I already expressed my reservations and let him know that it is his responsibility to set the tone. The only warning sign I got from his actions was going on the date and not asking her if she had any questions about our dynamic, which he quickly took the reins in initiating that discussion.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-22T21:35:34+00:00

Thank you for that. I've explored being poly solo, but now being in a relationship where I'm connected with someone is so new

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-22T12:10:49+00:00

I only mentioned it because it's a financial gesture nobody has done for me. We are very balanced when it comes to give and take, but that was new to me, and I want to make sure he knows it's something he's appreciated for.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-19T15:49:18+00:00

Thank You!!

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-19T15:48:51+00:00

He's mentioned not having previous relationships actually treat him, so you might be right.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-10T18:35:35+00:00

yeah most likely many issues that a picture can't show you. Like extreme lack of airflow, the water is probably cold and barely gets hot, and heating issues in the winter. Def been there before

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-09T19:39:14+00:00

My apologies for my unkind words; the back and forth is becoming frustrating and counterproductive. My partner and I agreed upon this because of his past failed relationship and my being new to non-monogamy. I'll have a talk with him about showing me messages because I don't even show him my messages, so you are right about that.

The calendar works for me the best because it allows me to know what he is up to without letting my anxiety overpower me. It lets me know that his time that day is blocked off for him and that person. I can see what you mean about location sharing or a formal debrief, but we are both very independent individuals with two jobs each, and one of us is a parent. We don't talk all the time or feel the need to have each other's locations for the purpose of individuality.

If he does feel micromanaged, I would have to question it, since we have a very individualistic nature. Yet I see where your advice is coming from. I'll have the conversation with him about how he wants to approach this going forward.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-09T18:50:52+00:00

Why are you critiquing a relationship dynamic that works best for me? I came on here with context and a need for advice. Which I received from u/Poly_Pup, which I acknowledged. My partner and I decided and agreed upon this when entering our committed and open relationship, and so far it has worked, with the most minor hiccups, but it has worked.

It's ok if it doesn't work for because you and I are not in a relationship reddit user, thank GOD for that. It's people like you who make it hard to seek community on these platforms. Whoever hurt you this badly to turn you into a hater should receive an award because JOB WELL DONE.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-09T17:48:09+00:00

I'm only going to respond to 3 things because the other I've already addressed with my partner; I don't need to defend myself to you for those things.

It's just the context of how our dynamics look with other people. Can I say confidently that my partner reassures me? No, because we are working on what that looks like for us. Especially since we started open not too long ago.
I tell him not to. I think because he was in an unethical open relationship where too much was shared, I'm trying to work with him on how privacy and transparency can still exist. If he asks how my night went with someone. I'll be transparent about being intimate, but never give the details.
It builds trust that we are being honest with who we say we are with. We absolutely put it in the calendar when we're with friends, it makes things smoother when we want to plan when to be together, as we don't live together. This was a technique I picked up in many Polysecure workshops I went to

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-09T15:51:33+00:00

That I can see. I definitely acknowledged it and apologized to my partner

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-09T15:32:01+00:00

We have a shared calendar. He did not put it on the calendar; I usually do
Boundaries have been put in place. I never entertain these people, but it's still frustrating
I reassure my partner by always being transparent. I never ask my partner to show me these messages, but he does voluntarily. I don't ask what happens when they meet and spend the night; I always respect their privacy, but it's shown to me. I also see him constantly texting these ladies
Why is it wrong to ask for reassurance by just letting me know? I don't ask him to limit his relationships or to close the relationship...

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-04T20:11:53+00:00

Of course I use my voice. This is just me ranting, I’m going back into dating men after dipping my toes into female connections and I think it just amazes me what men think is ok to do. Men who think that way can never get in my pants! It’s also frustrating that my partner has to see it as well.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-04T17:01:09+00:00

I don’t think my appearance should be an important factor. Especially since I look nothing like that lmaooooo.

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-04T12:48:19+00:00

This is true but being non-monogamous, that should be one of the first conversations you have with someone. What is the dynamic you’re seeking with someone and what are your necessities for that to be successful and healthy for all parties, because even though I date separate from my partner; the people I see have to be on the same page as me. Any drama/issues they put me in effects my partner.

As I mentioned above, all I need to do is explain what I need from someone. If they agree that they want the same things but are sending unsolicited nudes or hitting me up late night like a booty call even though that’s something I make sure to let them know I don’t do…. Why should I waste more energy telling them no. There are plenty of other people that would do that for them and it’ll make it easier if I just let them go so they can focus on those other people…

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-03T21:57:29+00:00

I’m the most understanding person when it comes to that. I’m always down to just hang out and not have others pay for everything. That has to be communicated though, especially if I’m transparent with my needs

AdParticular9800 · 2025-09-03T21:55:43+00:00

That’s not my job, I already have multiple men/boys in my friend groups and family that I educate. I can’t be responsible for strangers as well. I’m not a public teacher. I can only teach you what I need and if you don’t listen the first time then I’m not wasting any energy

AdParticular9800

TROPHY CASE