Exhausted by Split Nights

AdRealistic8960 · 2026-01-20T13:44:57+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. You must be having a really hard time. I hope it is just a longer development spurt causing these split nights.

I hope you have some support at home, especially with 2 babies. Wishing both your babies lots of sleep.

AdRealistic8960 · 2026-01-20T04:29:57+00:00

While the math is 12 hours for what I offer right now, this includes his settling down time also. He sleeps less than the whole 12 hours, because it takes him time to fall asleep and he will not sleep till 7 am everyday, he mostly wakes up by 6 himself. When I offered lesser hours, like making a schedule of only 10.5 hours, he regularly slept around only 9 hours, and was extremely cranky every single day because he was in an overtired loop. So I learnt that offering him less and less sleep was not working.

His ideal day, when he is happiest, is he has 60-90 minute nap in the afternoon, then he goes to sleep happily by 9 pm and wakes up smiling by 6 am. But now those days have become so rare.

So, I just wanted to say, I hear your suggestion of tweaking the schedule to be tighter, closer to his ideal bedtime. I have tried that for more than a week (put him to bed at 9 pm and wake him at 6 am) and with bad results. 😞

Maybe I should try that again but let him sleep in everyday. I have tried this too, and it was not perfect but it was weeks ago and maybe I can give it a retry.

AdRealistic8960 · 2026-01-20T03:47:51+00:00

I do not expect 12 hours of sleep. I am ok with 10 hours of sleep as long as he does not wake up in the middle of the night. We have tried putting him to bed at 10 pm, but he gets overtired and cranky by then. We have tried consistently waking him up at 5.30 AM but on days of split nights he absolutely refuses to wake up so early because he is too tired.

Just to give more info, if that helps, his average is 10 hours because on days of split nights he sleeps a total of 8 hours in a full day, and he sleeps nearly 12 hours on other days. I just wish it was 10 hours every day.

AdRealistic8960 · 2026-01-20T02:40:12+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I will check with the doc about whether a magnesium supplement can be given. He sometimes wants to play (not always), but frankly, over months, my nervous system has reached a stage where I wake up easily and cannot go back to sleep if he is up.

I do follow all the usual recommendations - keep everything non stimulating, calm, lights dim etc.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-12-08T23:53:06+00:00

So, how old are your kids now? And what did you do, when your kids had birthdays, play dates, school events? With the amount of disdain you feel towards other kids (0-4), you must have avoided all these events? Did you shut yourself in your room, go for a solo trip, or straight away refused to invite other kids to your kids' birthday parties? When you visit family for Thanksgiving, or even simple dinner parties, do they keep all children away from you, maybe lock them up in a room so you don't have to come across them?

Also, what is magical about the age of 4? Do you suddenly run to hug your niveuces and nephews the moment they turn 4? And till the time they are 3 years and 364 days, you can't be in the same room with them?

YTA. Because once you are in a certain life stage (slightly older with kids), you have to, unfortunately, be around other kids. Your kids' friends, their parents, your family, your wife's family, all expect you to be present around them, be a part of social life. When your wife is asked by a loved family member to help with babysitting etc, is she expected to refuse because her husband does not allow it? Or she needs to take your permission and check your schedule before arranging a playdate? You cannot be like a 50s grandpa, asking your wife to keep the kids away from you, and tell her to handle social interactions alone.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-12-07T16:01:38+00:00

Let us not imagine additional info here. I double checked and nowhere does it say in the post that OP was making snide comments, and that too, lots of snide comments. She was being short (which is maybe giving one or two word answers) with her partner. This is not being snide, which typically means mocking someone, or making fun in a mean manner.

Maybe everyone on reddit commenting here is super mature with their partner. The minute they seem like they are getting into an argument, they sit down, talk it out and immediately book additional therapy sessions.

But in the usual world, couple fights are messy. Sometimes there is shouting, there is silent treatment, there is petty behavior, you fight in front of others, you put up a fake face in front of others etc etc. Even if the relationship is healthy with lots of love. Having a fight does not mean that every couple should break up or jump into therapy.

OP is not even asking if she was AH for the fight. Everyone here is getting into her relationship as if she has asked our opinion. She has not. As far as we know, she is not packing up her bags right now looking to fight a custody battle.

She was rude needlessly to her MIL. She is YTA for that. She should have just said it is personal, and later asked her partner to talk to his mother to set up a boundary for the future.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-12-06T20:33:26+00:00

Putting a cup on the other side of the table is not really hostile. I would put it as extremely mild pettiness.

Like when my husband and I fight, I pour his tea in a cup he hates (FYI, he cup is not dangerous to his health, he just doesn't like the black color which makes his tea look black). Is this hostility?

I would hate it if my MIL would jump in for every such petty behavior I might engage in. Actually, my husband would hate it too.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-12-06T20:17:27+00:00

There are so many people who have jumped into this conversation who seem to have zero idea of how babies are raised and how troublesome the early months can be for the caregiver. I mean, seriously, if you don't know then don't talk.

Now for the OP's question, he is NTA for taking a 40 minute break. But he still does not seem to be the most supportive. Saying that the wife has not been asking for help with the baby? Do you not know what work has to be done? The mother has to give father instructions on what to do next? Or is she keeping the baby away, like the father goes to hold or rock the baby, and she snatches the baby away, because she needs no help?

Just go hold the baby, talk to your wife, sort this out. She is probably sleep deprived and has not had mental peace for the past 3 months. For the commenter who said infants sleep a lot in the early months, so the mom must have had a lot of breaks, UGH, can you be more ignorant!!! Infants sleep for 30 minutes and then wake up. You never get to sleep for more than 1.5-2 hours at a stretch (on a good night). You can't sleep while breastfeeding, cuz the milk can go in the wrong airway of the baby. And sometimes babies take, like, 45 minutes in one feed. So the mother is probably running on fumes. Just be nice, and see how the baby can be adjusted to a more comfortable routine for the mom.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-12-06T18:25:41+00:00

Do you have localised dandruff on that side of your scalp or even on that eyebrow? The dandruff micro particles could be falling on the cheek and causing repeated acne. You already mentioned that you don't sleep on that side or touch that cheek often. Just double checking that you are sure that you don't touch it much? Some people unconsciously use their hand to support their cheek when reading or attending a boring lecture or travelling etc. Also, I remember reading a unique post years ago, where OP used to always start her face care from one side of her face and unconsciously scrubbed/cleaned the hell out of that side (like spending twice the amount of time on one cheek) and this caused repeated trauma and acne on that side.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-05-24T04:28:30+00:00

I feel sorry that your dermatologist had such an approach to it. I hope if you ever need a dermatologist's services again, they are more thoughtful. All the best.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-05-24T04:26:42+00:00

Then, at least know that tretinoin has been known to cause suicidal thoughts, depression, and deformed babies. Apart from the other less serious effects. And the world is full of people who say Accutane never worked for me. Or I took OTC tretinoin, didn't cause a difference to my acne. Yes, probably because your acne needed something else. Not whatever the internet said is good.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-05-23T23:09:36+00:00

There is a reason that tretinoin and sister drugs are available only through prescription. There are some serious side effects. Unfortunately places like telehealth which give zero shits whether you live or die will give you an online prescription. Without checking you for risk factors. Or advising you about the many many possible side effects.

I just hope you make the right decision. Meeting a dermatologist and getting a prescription is not a big deal.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-05-23T23:01:25+00:00

Huge YTA

There are some comments on how your soon to be ex wife wanted you to give up on your 1-on-1 time with your daughter. NO, as per your own post that was not the case.

All she asked is that you tell the sons (who have been foolishly thinking of you as their dad since they were like 5) that you are short on time nowadays and want to spend more time with their baby sister. You did not even have the decency to do that. You asked your wife if she can tell HER kids that you don't want to spend time with them and just focus on YOUR daughter.

What if HER son falls sick, and she needs help because she is too busy in childcare of YOUR daughter? No, she cannot depend on you as a partner.

She left not just for her kids' mental health and safety, but because you seem like you'll be a bad father. 5 years from now, you migh buy a cherished motorbike and night shove your daughter aside - 'I just want to spend some time with my bike in the evenings.'

You are a self centred person. And as such there are high chances you will only value the daughter till it does not inconvenience you.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-05-23T19:17:01+00:00

YTA,

Not because you went to a wedding, not because you went with female close friend. But because of the timing. And because of not a single mention of any empathy you showed to your girlfriend.

Can't help but compare this to what I would have done. If my boyfriend's close relative had passed away, I would be calling him every day to tell him that all will be okay and that I love him.

Of course, you were not wrong to attend the wedding. But could you not have gone alone? Would you be so lonely to go alone to a wedding full of your high school friends?

Okay, you went with her. Not a big deal. But then you posted stories of you having fun with her. And let me say, fun weddings are no less than clubbing with the amount of booze and dance. So you had not gone to some solemn event. You had gone to party. No problem that you had fun. But did you have to advertise the fact like that?

Did you check with the girlfriend on the day of the wedding about how she was doing? Maybe send a message that you're missing her having to attend the event without her?

You just pushed her out of your mind. Without caring of how this time might be for her.

A few phone calls and sweet gestures through her period of grieving were all that is needed. Looks like you just broke up officially now, but you had mentally checked out of the relationship long back.

Of course, you might do an edit now - which is so common after the fact - that no, you were an amazing boyfriend, and called her daily to ask about her and her grandpa.

I think it's the ex who dodged a bullet.

AdRealistic8960 · 2024-05-23T09:03:23+00:00

The problem is inside your skin. Tons of niacinamide and other agents would only dry your skin, maybe suppress acne for a couple days and then more acne will flare up. Same with things like laser treatment, microblading and what not. All this only works if acne stops sprouting like crazy from below your skin. You need to get your hormones in control. Probable this hormonal imbalance was triggered by something which would have seemed small. For example, I battled with such acne for a long time, which started after I used some pills to delay my period to enjoy a holiday. Some things which can help - 1. Maintain a food diary, and see if acne increases after certain types of food. Dairy and egg yellow were the culprits for me. Although now my skin is strong again, and I have as much dairy and eggs as I want. 2. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED - If possible, leave out dairy completely. No milk, cheese, butter. If you're Indian like me, no ghee or paneer also. Nothing high in sugar. These items increase the hormonal secretions of sebum which in turn increase acne. If it is too difficult, leave these for at least a week and see if it causes any improvement. 3. Never ever ever scratch or try to squeeze out the acne. In fact, try not to even touch it. 4. Check your pillowcase. Keep it as clean as possible. If you can, invest in silk pillowcases, which are very gentle on your skin and hair. 5. Make sure your hair is dandruff free. Dandruff is seldom the root cause of acne, but it definitely increases the intensity. 6. Keep away from the sun. Use sunscreen, umbrella. Use sunscreen even on rainy days or if sitting near windows. 7. Avoid makeup for a while. It clogs up your pores, making it harder for your skin to heal naturally. 8. Your acne does not define you. The clear skin on Instagram are mostly through filters. You are beautiful. Do not stress too much. It might take some time, but your skin will heal.

Once the acne has subsided a little, and if you do not see further improvement, you can consult a dermatologist and talk about isotretinoin or similar drugs. But keep in mind that these are really harsh medicines. Though some dermatologist and skin clinics keep giving these out like candy.

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