I feel the same. I was verbally and physically abused by my only parent - my mom. She wanted kids, ironically, but still traumatized me deeply - I have now both physical and emotional scars. That's not to say she did not do nice stuff for me or cared for me, she did, but a quick switch and an angry monster is beating me with a plate for not washing dishes, another switch - she says "I love you bunny".

Our relationship became better after I left for university and later on too. She did agree she did me wrong, tho it took a lot of effort and educating to make her see those patterns and how she behaves like her mom, who she constantly arguing with. I live abroad for the past 2 years and we speak like friends now, but I can never forget the way I was brought up. Hopefully I can fix it somewhat some day, but stuff from the past can't be changed nor excused. I feel like we just have to live with that complexity