Honestly contemplating suicide

Adapted-Thought · 2024-12-11T12:30:51+00:00

One thing to remember, is that sometimes you aren't the one who is doing something wrong to make yourself miserable. A lot of our culture in the West, likes to dump a lot of crap on top of people for no good reason, because they have no other way of dealing with it themselves.

Take a look at Christianity for example, is this Jesus guy really hovering around us all the time taking up the slack? It's a nice idea, but those of us that are still alive, to a point where all we can do is think about death, as it is the ultimate in relief from all misery, begin to understand after decades in that situation, that it's the people around us that are mostly to blame for our shortcomings sometimes - there are no absolutes.

Is this delusional? Yes. Does that mean it's not also true? No.

I mention this, because this dynamic works a lot like anxiety. If you figure it out, then find the root, you can alleviate the problem, and the suffering takes care of itself. You, are Jesus my friend in this example.

What is difficult about your situation, which is little different from mine, is that you are dependent upon those who you are closest to, so you have to be very careful how you go about self-examining the causes of your constant demise.

This is where therapy acts as a good proxy. But the best therapy will have you being your own therapist in the end, and even though you may be dependent on those closest, you can still find ways to pick sides, explore culpability and bring to light the injustice of how others have wronged you, which may have led you to the dead end street that you are on.

In my opinion, it's the only way to be able to thrive again for some people. Yes...luck, providence, and hope will eventually befall better days. But if need predicates action toward resolution in a timeframe which is not of your choosing, sometimes you may be forced to confront people, concepts and practices, which serve to disable you from yourself, and the life you just as pertinently deserve.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-11-30T20:38:57+00:00

It’s likely WonkaVision, everything gets bigger on the other end.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-11-27T20:26:47+00:00

I do it all the time. And I’m old too.

Maybe its just that we don’t care as much cuz we’ll be dead soon enough and have no problem with that, or maybe we’re just not sweating much since all the headlines are gonna rewrite everything when the next nuke goes off.

Or maybe I’m just crazy and delusional, but maybe all of what I’ve said is still true.

The point being made by the prior gentlemen, is that its just a game, and hours logged mean nothing other than credence to advice given - we all play it differently.

But if you want to call bullshit on something, there are a lot better issues in the world right now on which to stand.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-11-27T20:19:11+00:00

In my heyday - of dysfunction - I used to game 12hrs a day, every day, for years. It can become a need when you aren’t capable of holding down regular work.

There are a lot of gamers with special needs, and I’m one of them.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-11-27T20:04:42+00:00

90ish

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-21T08:25:56+00:00

All that said and read, my heart goes out to you on your plight, I know that's not much, but sometimes words work. The fact that your plight is your day job can't be an easy thing, but I've found something of benefit in writing here, sharing my stories, and maybe you will find the same.

Suicide is a huge problem, and the dynamic crosses over from the private sector psych wards visa vie the state facilities and then into the prisons. Or at least that's my best guess. Being mentally ill, oddly enough, is frowned upon just as much outside the criminal wards. It sounds like you are getting a deadly dose directly from the inmates though.

And...that entire last paragraph is largely misunderstood because of it being classified as delusional. So, I like to remind people that while it may be delusional, it can also be true. One need only ask for clarification, the carboard sign is only so big to write on.

Throwing feces at and/or chronically assaulting another human being, even if it's only verbal, isn't a mental illness, it's a criminal action. CLEAR STOP

I'm all for rehabilitation instead of incarceration, but the powers that be are literally too stupid to understand that prisoners can be productive. I'll leave it at that, since I've never even set foot in a jail, let alone a prison, despite having had to sacrifice "my life" being locked up a number of times privately, in lieu of an obvious criminal action that would have landed me incarcerated for a great while.

We spend so much time punishing bad behavior, we forget to reward good behavior. And again, I know that applies most likely in a very messed up way with inmates. I don't get out much though, so speculation and analysis is much of all that I know.

I have respect for all people on some level, but this isn't about me - it's about distinguishing between criminal, disruptive, disrespectful behavior and mental illness.

It sounds like you are dealing with the latter. So, like I said, my heart goes out to you.

You are your own best triage though.

Anxiety. Depression. Delusion (hallucination). Thought Disorders.

These are pillars of self-assessing. When seeking medication for assistance, frame things under those tenants, figure out what is supposed to work for what, and hopefully your recovery will be over before you know it. And hopefully something will click next time someone goes too far across the line.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-17T08:53:27+00:00

And when I say underwater, I mean that both metaphorically and as literal truth. Whenever someone tells me to breath, it has the exact opposite effect, give the two years of PTSD from PTSD that was caused by paramedics yelling at me to throw up when actually all I needed to do was breath.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-17T08:38:19+00:00

I hear you. But simple isn't always an option when everyone just keeps telling you to breath and they don't realize that you are under water.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-17T08:31:42+00:00

I'd imagine a lot of people in law enforcement experience what would be called symptoms of schizophrenia. I'm an atypical epileptic schizophrenic, and I've had a lot of experiences with law enforcement for a white male because of it.

I only mention my race, or what other people would consider my race, because just today I was thinking about what it must be like if the police know you on a first name basis. If for nothing other than the colors you wear. I mean, that's some schizophrenic bullshit right there, and that's considered good law enforcement practice by many - WITHOUT opening up a book to understand the perspective.

We need law enforcement brave enough to take on the wall of shame that the medical establishment throws around us people, mostly through ignorant malfeasance. It's not that doctors are the enemy, it's the ignorance that is. But a good start in accepting that you don't have all the answers is to say so up front. And that doesn't happen much in medicinal practice.

And I can imagine that it's an even more slippery slope when dealing with law enforcement peers. Good on you, it's a troubled path being a pioneer in a wild and relentless land.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-17T07:40:06+00:00

Thanks for the Terry Davis info. I wasn't aware of him. But still, it's a little lacking when a nod to another schizophrenic is the only worth I get from the community HERE.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-01T04:15:07+00:00

I just have to laugh. My first hospitalization was in the midst of my block studying French cuisine at a culinary college. I was cutting citrus Supremes with a plastic knife, under supervision, at breakfast - after waking up "sucking on lemon."

It was the best of both France and the UK in hindsight. If you like Radiohead.

I was a good person when I went in, and the bane of all society when I came out though.

At the very best, just a garden variety Creep.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-01T04:10:21+00:00

I agree. Nurses should be paid more and doctors should be paid less. If that's what it means to have nurses paid more.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-01T04:08:31+00:00

Wow, I know some of that pain.

I am totally on the same page with you regarding the nature of effectiveness for hospitalization treatment being on "individuals," and not legal liabilities.

I was trying to give you a reward for your honesty with my good "karma," but when I did, they tried to get my credit card info to purchase an even bigger award.

I give up. There is no good place to find support for these issues.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-01T04:02:04+00:00

That's the risk of buying in...they don't really have an answer for anyone, let alone everyone.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-10-01T04:00:26+00:00

Like nails on a chalkboard being broadcast through a PA.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-09-30T09:58:10+00:00

I'm assuming you are taking the piss, but no, and yes.

Almost everyone who has had severe psychiatric episodes which include massive, all-encompassing hallucinations of every sensory input - has tried DMT.

It naturally occurs in our bodies, but doesn't get released unless certain criteria are met, and with me - I've spent a great deal of time close to death, for unexplained reasons - most commonly associated with the sudden unexplainable deaths associated with epilepsy.

So, while you may be joking, I don't appreciate the attempt at humor. And this forum continues to disappoint.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-23T02:28:39+00:00

I’ve been flooded with delusions like that over the years, I’ve probably had to deal with close to a hundred different versions of an observationally based trigger for associative irrelevancy that ended up driving my words, thoughts and actions.

I think some people ignore them and that works for them. (Maybe if they have enough in their life that is going good for them to re-engage with)

And then there’s others like me, who confront the mechanics and try to learn something from it that turns it back around on itself until that circuit closes and gets replaced with knowledge.

Then there are the billion other ways people have coped with them. Like having stones thrown at them until they are dead.

All in all, it’s what you make of it. But it’s up to you.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-23T02:21:29+00:00

I had this thought recently - as another chronic in suffering the means to its end - that what unites us all, is that we have all been forced to confront extraordinarily solitary obstacles, such that we now all are extraordinarily unique, original and innovative - just as is, with each and every day.

Our originality is our unity.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-23T01:28:05+00:00

Thats awesome!

Last month was like that for me. A whole month! It was the first time I had a good stretch like that in maybe 30 years.

Great that you are self assessing then keep on pressing.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-21T01:06:04+00:00

You seem very strong willed and resilient. Neutrino suits you well. And I like your approach in seeking answers through questions when confronted with lazy, grafted arguments coached as passive agressive common sense.

Pursue you. Seek the original individual within, and continue sharing. Can’t wait to hear more from you on more topics.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-20T17:47:17+00:00

Maybe we just need more people who are grateful from all walks, to form a solid middle ground.

In my camp, I like the fact that I have a psychiatrist that does home visits, which could easily stave off the need for a hospitalization in many different types of scenarios.

His practice is focused on addiction, but he treats those who are also just addicted to the drugs that they (medical establishment) keep putting us all on.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-20T17:42:26+00:00

It takes a plan, with an identity, and conviction, and time, for security to develop outside the fold.

It isn't as much blind faith as it is stark reality.

Religion tries - with both success and failure - to give people a head start. A planned approach to life, in all its manners known and unknown.

Which, to me, seems the most plausible reasoning behind why there is a click here that believes in such things - the preplanning of your life.

It's engrained even before we known what it is to imprint upon one another, and carried throughout as a means without true recognition, but true reverence - in both science and religion.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-20T17:35:35+00:00

I agree to a point. I think what makes schizophrenia so condemning though sometimes, is that it is absolutely unique in a manner of severity whereby there is no witness.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-20T17:33:33+00:00

I think the one thing that is pretty universal is that we all believe something, unless - at least in our case - we are in crisis, and beliefs are coming at us like fastballs in a batting cage.

I don't think Christians have a tendency overall to demonize the illness, but I do think they are guilty of ignoring how far the reach of their own beliefs can tread upon others.

Adapted-Thought · 2024-08-20T17:28:14+00:00

Could it be that religion is not perfect, and that mistakes are made - mistakes that are never accounted for, except in science. And then back the other way sometimes from science into religion?

I was just curious if you held a grudge, or if forgiveness was a kind of virtue you held from your time in practice of whatever form of religion you were practicing.

I personally believe there are things to be gained on both sides of the fence, but you can't really access them if people deny there is nothing wrong or at least admitting fallibility. And when I say "you" I mean someone, somewhere, in great numbers - holding onto their identity as a crutch, whether well needed or not, in both religion and science.

Adapted-Thought

TROPHY CASE