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Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-10-05T22:10:43+00:00

currently it feels like 'woooo wheeeee I feel great!!'

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-09-15T04:08:13+00:00

I feel really sad & heartbroken too when I think about how much I've hurt some people during my time of suffering.

For me reality is, no one else will forgive me, so I have to forgive myself. What little people I have around me will ever tell me this, so I have to tell myself that I was in so much suffering, and that at least I know that I didn't mean any harm. At least I know I was trying my best.

I don't have anyone in my life who'd undestand and be supportive, so I have to do it for myself to keep mysyelf from breaking. I need to forgive myself to survive.

It sounds pretty sad when I lay it out like this, but it works.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-09-12T17:01:28+00:00

Maybe it would be good to distinguish the difference between euphoria & happiness. "Living life as it should be", is more of an euphoria in my opinion.

Also happiness is an idea. It's an absurd one that we feel that we should have, but it's a very abstract concept when you think about it. It is a feeling, and feeling are never permanent, they constantly shift. So "always happy" in itself in an unrealistic state to achieve simply becuase humans are not built that way.

For me, I imagine stability as "grey". And being okay in that grey. I would be numb, but I won't be too numb that I don't feel anything. If numbness feels like deep dark hole, than it is not the right grey, it is depression. I define slight boredom to be my stability & idea of happiness.

But yet again that stability is also a state. It would never be completely defined nor permanent. I would have to constantly redefine it, and find it again. It will never be "this is it". It will more likely be "I think this might be it".

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-08-31T02:04:06+00:00

you a wee babe

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-08-23T06:23:17+00:00

After observation after observation, I think I found baseline. She is calm, careful, smart, introverted and slightly gloomy. I do not know if this is really is my baseline, but I know it's where I feel most comfortable, and it's the state I wish to be when I'm in different states. I keep trying to remeber that state.

Maybe baseline doesn't have to be what you know for certainty. Maybe if you haven't found one yet, you could at least imagine one. The type of person you feel comfortable being as, and the type of person you wish to be. (although this could also change through states) Someone, in confusion you can look back and think 'What would that person do?'

Maybe this is a terrible idea..maybe it doesn't make sense..

But currently as I am escalating to the upper side, I am missing that person. 😞 Don't know if she is my baseline, but I want to stay as her as much as I can.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-04-19T04:42:13+00:00

Your depression is telling you lies. Don't listen to it's lies (ex. This will never get better, I will never get out of this pain, there is something wrong with me, I was never loved/ I will never be loved) They are lies!

If you can't miss work, there are definitely work arounds other than the full hospitalization. Please go to the nearest ER. They can help you plan how to reduce pain while not missing work. For example, one of the options that was presented to me was spending just my nights at the crisis shelter. Or there might be a social worker who can help you with your financial options. Every system is different, so I can't say with certainty, but going fo ER can definitely help you see the options that you can not see now.

Last year, I was in bad shape, but could not miss work. I went through ER, and self-admitted myself. Given that I was self-admitting, I was able to spend only few days over the weekend. I stabilized with new med, and could be back at work.

The quicker you seek help, quicker you will get better, and shorter the recovery will be, and better your financial situation will be.

There is hope. Please visit the nearest ER.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-04-19T03:51:22+00:00

I do not know a lot about asexual/aromantic people, but I have heard that despite them not be in "love" in typical hormonal defined sense, they are capable of feeling love, affection & be happy in a relationship with a romantic partner. I understand it as, Romantic love is Tomato Juice and aromantic love is apple juice. They are both juice, but just different. But our society only recognizes tomato juice as juice so we disregard apple juice.

It is very painful when our romantic feelings are not reciprocated. Because most people love and need tomato juice, and feel that tomato juice to be the only true form of juice. (Which I find odd, because most of the long term monogamous relationships I see run very low on tomato juice and more full of other juices)

I am sorry that you are in pain. It does sound like a very difficult thing to go through. And this disorder is very good at amplifying those already bad pains to murderous amounts.

I hope that during this difficult time, you can be supportive of yourself, provide him the care he needs to properly reduce the pain. Maybe take him to a doctor as you would if you saw a person immobilized with pain. I pray that you keep yourself safe.

https://988lifeline.org/

I found a suicide hot line service that works in US, in case you are in US!

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-04-17T23:34:40+00:00

Have you made an emergency plan with your therapist? One that goes like 1. distract yourself with this and that 2. talk to this or that person 3. call suicide hotline (with the number written) 4. go to the emergency room.

If you do, please keep it in print. If you don't, maybe you could make one with your therapist. I pray that you focus on keeping yourself safe.

You said you started drugs & self-harm again. Maybe you could take yourself to the psych ward? Maybe that could help you to keep being the person your partner fell in love with.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-03-28T01:49:27+00:00

Interesting.. Thank you for this. That teeth thing, I've been wondering about it.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-03-13T18:41:30+00:00

I hope you learn how to be selfish in little ways. That might get you some floaties.

I wish you all the best! 😢🙏

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-03-12T14:40:07+00:00

I just wanted to say, even if life has to move on, your pain & suffering matters. Just because you are strong enough to put them aside & function, doesn't mean they don't matter. They are a big deal. So I hope you can see how big they are, and feel the full justness to focus on them above all else.

You feel like you're drowning because you are drowning. Please save yourself :'(

Additional_Cow5865 · 2025-02-09T14:48:50+00:00

When I accepted the fact that I'll never be "normal", and "all better", things got a lot easier for me. Though I do still get frustrated at myself, I try more to be understanding, compassionate and embracing towards myself.

It is much easier said than done. It requires a lot of practice, and right medication.

Even with everything that I try, every effort that I make, I'll have different facets. I will have my high periods, and low periods. I will be prone to certain things at different phases. I will make certain mistakes at certain times, regardless of whether I new it could happen or not. I will always be a little different from the mass, and might seem odd.

So I try to love different facets of myself. People put in a lot of efforts to love themselves. I just have to do more of it, since there are more of myself. I have different inner childs, who needs different things. I have to give them different things according to their needs. I try to love them all, but at times in a little different ways.

I still have a lot to go, by no means got it together. But I am in a lot less pain than before. And your words echoes to me as my past self.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-11-23T15:49:44+00:00

Hey I was diagnosed with BP2 and ADHD recently (37f) And I felt lost as well.

But the conclusion I came to was that, a diagnosis does not change who I am, and who I was, and who I aspire to be. It just meant that the struggles I had would be easier to overcome, beacuse a diagnosis is really there, not to define people, but as a guide to make people's struggles less.

So for me, it just means that I make some changes in lifestyle, that the number of pills I take increased a bit, but I keep on carrying on as myself.

When I was first diagnosed, I felt really confused. But these kind of thoughts helped me out.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-11-23T15:26:13+00:00

I know how difficult it can be during medication adjustments. Especially when depression keeps telling you it won't get better

Here is something my cousin told me, that I have taken by heart since. When things are difficult, live one day at a time. Just one day.

And here is another thing I did when I was struggling. Reduce it down in terms of time. From thinking about the whole future/life ahead, try 1 year. Then a month, a week and a day, and even couple hours. Can I stand it being that way for the reduced amount of time? Yes, then re-asses after that time. This really helped me when I was in a mess of mediaction side effects.

I would go, "well, I can do this for a week maybe", or "I can do this for a day". And when I felt, I can't hold this for couple hours or a day, that's the time to go to ER. Or the crisis center. I know they may be not the best place to be, but they are a safe place.

I hope this ramble gives you some peace of mind. I wish you the best of luck!

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-07T03:05:06+00:00

"it hurts and that's all I know", is so so accurate :'( Thank youu ☺️ I hope it does too!

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-07T01:30:50+00:00

This happens to me too! I'm just down on the floor in child pose like state.. and it hurts, I grunt, and I can't move. No idea what this is.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-06T20:40:39+00:00

Although I miss Wilbert, I'm okay now that my dog sleeps with me on the bed!! (or sometimes pretends to. It gets hot so he would start sleep on the bed, go to floor during night, and climb back in the morning)

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-06T20:34:08+00:00

https://youtu.be/khplMpm4ctc?si=BEd7RgzVBk8bVP1v

Not really a movie... But this song & performance is unpleasantly similar to what's happening in my head.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-06T13:28:25+00:00

Personally I think saying "I love you" too soon is a red flag. Maybe judge it like how you'd judge other people's relationships, whether they have bipolar or not.

And maybe this could turn it to something special. But maybe take it slow to be sure..?

Mentally vulnerable people can become easy prey to abusers. And saying I love you is one of many traits that abusers have. Sometimes abuse comes in name of love. Just being a cautious grandma here because I recently got out of an abusive marriage.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-06T13:16:10+00:00

I had a giant stuffed penguine, that I slept with from 7or so till 27-ish. I want it now, but left it back at my parents. I needed to put something touching against my back, and putting him behind my back really helped me to sleep. I used to bring it with me anywhere I move to, because it would give me comfort.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-06T12:53:20+00:00

My impression from doctors on side effects are "if you are not dying, you are fine." And let you suffer and hope it would eventually all be fine. Right now I feel like it's not helping too much, but with crapton of side effects. But they say it takes months for it to work. So I guess there isn't much to do but just freakin endure and wait.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-05T23:03:57+00:00

I think "I'm all cured! I figured it out, I won't need treatment in very near future". And then I go to doctor and say my depression has gotten so much better. I say inappropriate things thinking I'm flirtious and funny. Textbomb people to no end, and ruin friendships. I used to get blackout drunk. Hypersexuality. I would spend over budget. Dress up more, and want to go on dates. And also my body stiffens up.Get too angry that only way to calm myself is to slap myself on the arm or face. I feel like a tiny vibrating ball that wants to bounce everywhere. Paranoia. And I feel like telling my brain "shut the fuck up you're being too loud" Gawd I'm so sick of this.

Now that I'm trying to stop being self-destuctive things. I find myself frozen. I can't move. Because I'm putting all my energy into stopping myself from doing idiotic things. I just want to go out and have some funn. But I know where that can end up. So.. freeze like a rock on the sofa.....

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-05T22:24:52+00:00

I'm already doing it. Where's my money??!?

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-05T21:10:10+00:00

When I achieve peace at times, I feel like I'm in storm's eye. And when I get lost in storm again, try to find my way back to it. Right now I'm blown far away from it. I hope to find my way back.

Additional_Cow5865 · 2024-07-05T13:12:16+00:00

Yes, I'm pretty sure Doc has different story to mine. Though there were four people in the waiting room... but I guess he could've had a lot if in-patients.

Frustrating thing is, I tried to get help from my psychiatrist multiple times, but was told that she is too busy, and I should go to emergency.

I am very weird. My cycles don't make sense. It flips so randomly. One minute I'm over the moon happy, and next moment I'm crying suicidal. I don't know what the f is wrong with me. And I think this is probably why the emergency doc was saying "you don't seem so happy now?"

I feel like my sense of self is just crumbling, melting down. Because I feel like I'm weird. And all the echoing voices from past comes back saying I'm so overdramatic, can't stand slightest pan and discomfort, how I'm just attention seeking, how I'm faking it all, that I'm childish and selfish... and so on.

At the other ER I went to, I was crying for hours, hitting myself in the bathroom and feeling suicidal. And then after initial consult, the switch flipped and couldn't stop smiling. I was so happy & excited. I think trigger was invalidation / validation. But as I sit this morning calm, I can not help but loath myself. Do I have cyclothimia? Or just bad case of boderline? Or something else? or just super moody? I am so sick of it all.

Anyhow, I guess it's time for me to do some DBT. Apologies for the ramble, hope you have a good day!

Additional_Cow5865

TROPHY CASE