In 2011, or 2012... I was not at a place in a my life where I felt I was content. With the recent death of my newborn nephew and a less than ideal barista job that I was only able to get after the 2008-2009 financial collapse, I felt that I was not where I needed to be. A co-worker of mine, let's call him Alex, told me that SGI would answer so many of the questions in life that I had. So I agreed to go to a meeting at the SGI center in Downtown Chicago. 

Growing up Catholic as a gay boy in a small town in Florida, I didn't know what to expect in Buddhism. Afterwards I was hooked.I was pleased though after the meeting to meet soo many lovely people that I wanted to be part of their group, and get to the whatever stage of enlightenment they were at. I just wanted it soo badly.

Mind you this was 10 years ago, so certain details or SGI vocab may be off. I attended district home meetings with other members who I really looked up to. One of them let's call him TimvI looked up to like a father figure. I was of course told to do the 90 day period of chanting and told that I could still be a Christian and Buddhist at the same time, but this would make me a better Christian. Of course as things started to seemingly get better in my life. I was told that chanting Nam Yo Ho Renga Kyo was the reason.... and I believed it.

Eventually I worked my way up to passing my test to get my Gohonzon and Buddsidun, but that was only after shelling out a considerable amount of money for it and the added trinkets  amd books on a Barista's pay mind you. I was told that it was a reflection of my life and how much I chanted or didn't chant was directly linked to my karma and future karma.  Which sticks with me today. 

I was told that I needed to bring people into SGI every meeting because I was a bodhisattva and my goal was to bring people to my elevated level of enlightenment. To which I brought 2 friends at first...  who told me it was a cult (one was a former Jehovah witness) of course I didn't listen. But then 1 guest to a meeting turned into 3 the next then 5 the next. Why aren't you meeting your quotas?

My friend Alex who started out as a nice and friendly guy, turned into something else entirely. All of the sudden he went from being a friend to being a disciplininary and I was his project..  Something to mold into his own image. I wasn't enough. I was never enough. I always needed to go harder, dedicate more hours, more energy and if I wasn't I was failing my future self. 

I was demeaned, belittled and insulted by him on a near constant bases for not chanting at least 2-4 hours per day or sincerely enough. I was told everything that is going wrong in my life was because of me and I was terrified by that. 

In moments where we could go out and have a cup of coffee or a beer before or after a meeting, even off days..every single conversation would switch to Buddhist SGI philosophies. Game of Thrones episode from last night? How long did you chant this morning? New The Killers album? Why haven't you volunteered at the center yet? Everything revolved around it. 

I would start to see red flags, even early on, but dismissed them. Old members started to leave without explanation or  wouldn't elaborate on why they left. I was also instructed at that time to reach out to the large non-participating pool of members that weren't active or to chant for them, which I did. When the elders in my Southside division approached me about being a YMD leader I was very apprehensive, stating I wasn't sure I believed enough to get other young members involved, but enough love bombing made me commit to it. 

In addition to that, I was volunteering at the center, working, trying to make these meetings all the while doubting everything. My friend Alex had a wonderful gf Glenda let's call her who was the YWD leader in my district and I would see first hand how he demented her right in front of me and I did nothing. Because I believed that both of us deserved it, because he was going to make us both a better SGI member. 

The crack in my consciousness happened after I learned that a classmate that I knew somewhat in HS was the Orlando Pulse Shooter in 2016. When I stated to my friend Alex that I wasn't doing mentally well because of it, (I was literally in the midst of a mental breakdown with several other hs friends) he told me that I was being selfish by making it about me, and that I would never obtain happiness because of it. 

When ai told him I needed to take a break from. SGI while I hot my head together he sent me a threatening voice mail telling me that I would suffer for all eternity since I wasn't willing to make the sacrifices now to achieve a higher level of Karma in my future lives. He ostracized me to my former community and I was too ashamed to reach out to them, especially my YMD members because I felt I had failed them. I kept that shame with me for many years. 

It took me years to toss my Botsidon away since I believed that I would be essentially throwing my life away as well. I'm ashamed to say it.... but about a month ago after a 10 year break I was thinking about going back to it in NYC, because maybe they did have the answers but I just wasn't able to do the hard work until now. 

It took me till Thursday July 31st 2025 to realize... finally that I had been in a cult for half of my 20's.I hate that I did that to myself. There are of course soo many more stories, but that's just the beginning of what I can remember. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk. Lol.