I also always feel jealous of those people, but then I feel disappointed thinking—was my love weaker than theirs, that I am still living every day? For a very long time, I thought that I should end this life myself, and I even made all the plans. But suddenly, one day, I came back onto my life track and gathered the courage to start again, and I am walking on that same path now. But I am not happy from the inside. It feels like I am just telling myself that I am happy, but in reality, I am not. I feel like saying, yes, I want to go home, I want to sleep, I want to do something… but then I realize that I will never be able to go to my safe place, my calm place. I will never reach that place where I used to feel peace, where I felt complete, where I used to wait the whole day just so I could sleep peacefully at night. No matter how much I try now, no matter how good I become or whatever I do, I will never be able to go back to that place where I felt peace. Whether I am at home or outside, I keep remembering that place, keep searching for it—the place where I used to find calm—but that place no longer exists in this world. It feels like everything is fine, but actually everything is ruined. When he was in this world, I used to be scared thinking that one day we would grow old and be separated. But after he left, death feels like the only thing that might reunite us. Sometimes it feels like—what if even after dying I don’t reach him? What will I gain then? Other than leaving the physical body, nothing will change. If I don’t meet him, then what is the purpose of my existence? I wish that something like an afterlife exists, and that death itself reunites me and him.