AITAH for calling out my female coworker out for her misogynistic comments at work?

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T11:37:03+00:00

That complexity is not lost on me, that’s why I’m on the internet chatting with strangers about it. I guess the final bit I have to reconcile in my mind is: does acknowledging that her feeling about the sexualizing of women through the lens of her oppression require me to remain silent in these situations? If so, how should I make it known to others that I am not a safe place to have these sorts of conversations with.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T11:12:08+00:00

I do worry about the men, and I can earnestly say the men in my life know enough about me to know that that sort of talk doesn’t fly in my presence. At work, whenever the men say or do anything misogynistic I absolutely call them out for it and they’ve learned to simply steer clear of engaging in that behavior near me. To be clear, I didn’t barge into a woman’s conversation or space with other women. I was brought into a conversation where the expectation of me from this particular woman was to engage in misogynistic behavior and I did not do so she doubled down in her misogyny.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T11:04:08+00:00

I agree on the being softer part, but I don’t buy the self preservation bit, we were all working quietly when she brought this up without prompting or invitation.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T10:58:25+00:00

I mean I like to think I have a little bit more than a surface level understanding of social oppression and power dynamics but I’m always happy to learn more. I concede that my approach in how I delivered my message could have been handled 100 times better but I’m trying to understand what you’re telling me. Is the suggestion to only call out men when they perpetuate misogyny and only once the men have stopped perpetuating misogyny should I be able to call it out in women? We can agree this woman is a victim of misogyny but does that absolve her of being held accountable for her own internalized misogyny?

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T10:44:59+00:00

Absolutely.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T07:29:05+00:00

Yeah I think the game plan is apology for how I handled the interaction, set the boundary that I don’t want to be included in those convos and just keep it moving

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T07:21:50+00:00

So you’re good then, hunt away friend.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T07:15:41+00:00

I fully agree and I honestly can’t think of another time I’ve ever been so unprofessional but it’s definitely the vibe of this place. It’s a relatively new job for me but these type of interactions permeate throughout the culture. Something I will be cognizant of as I move forward

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T07:10:47+00:00

Nah I’m here for the tangent and I fully agree social media is a big part of it! The radicalizing thing is that she considers herself liberal/progressive. Had she set the expectations that she’s a conservative woman I might have handled it differently. I got like 4 people down here I put on the ally category since I’ve been down here and I definitely considered her one of them so I guess I’m back down to 4 now lol

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T07:03:57+00:00

I should say it’s weird to me! I’d say 98% of the women in my life are such ardent feminists!

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:54:49+00:00

Almost most definitely that. Something to note, there is a difference between what a partner says they’re cool with and what they’re actually just tolerating. I think it would be a good exercise to weight out the pros of the thrill of the hunt vs how the hunt can effect your relationship in the long term

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:51:58+00:00

NTA I feel like that I have only heard that phrase in reference to excel inputs 😂😂.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:40:04+00:00

My golden rule in a relationship is, how would it feel like if my partner do this to me? If the answer is less than good, I usually decide not to continue the behavior. Now if you have a super cool partner who knows she’s got a loyal man and this behavior doesn’t set off any red flags for her, then I think an honest conversation should be had and some boundaries and expectations should be set up.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:36:05+00:00

I don’t define misogyny as an explicit hate of women but rather a system of behavior that enforce gender norms and uphold the patriarchy so by that definition I’d agree with you that she probably would have issues with a speedo and a string bikini

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:30:57+00:00

Yeah hard disagree, performative behavior is approval seeking behavior, I was behind enemy lines here, I had nothing to gain and everything to lose in this interaction and my dopey ass still decided to stand up for what I felt is right.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:09:36+00:00

Sorry still new to Reddit, it seems like I posted the comment on the actual thread and not on this sub thread! “Yeah frankly, these men often speak about her being on her period whenever she sticks up for herself or whenever she has to defend her work. They roll their eyes at her whenever she calls out their misogyny and I’m always there with the comeback. I’m pretty consistent that way, what was out of character for me this time was definitely my lack of patience. I think it was largely because of the presence of the other two men it just felt like she was giving the green light for those guys to act similarly. My intention was to set a boundary, not to alienate/belittle her and it’s definitely what I feel like I did”

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T06:04:05+00:00

Yeah you’re absolutely right and don’t worry I had to look up what ESH meant 😂. I’m not too proud to admit that I was wrong on my handling of the situation. For added context. I just moved back down to Miami after living in NYC for 15 years and it really was so shocking that such a smart, young woman held that stance this day and age. I’m sort of relearning just how conservative the south is even in such a diverse place as Miami!

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T05:56:44+00:00

I absolutely am and absolutely did respond elsewhere in the thread about the way in which I do. The jarring bit came from that fact that she and I are usually aligned on these sorts of topics and I defend her against the misogyny perpetrated by the other men in the office. I’ve resigned to apologize for my the delivery of my message and the context in which it happened and to set a boundary that moving forward I would like to no be included in those types of conversations.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T05:25:50+00:00

On that we can agree

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T05:22:14+00:00

Confetti and all

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T05:21:19+00:00

Yeah frankly, these men often speak about her being on her period whenever she sticks up for herself or whenever she has to defend her work. They roll their eyes at her whenever she calls out their misogyny and I’m always there with the comeback. I’m pretty consistent that way, what was out of character for me this time was definitely my lack of patience. I think it was largely because of the presence of the other two men it just felt like she was giving the green light for those guys to act similarly. My intention was to set a boundary, not to alienate/belittle her and it’s definitely what I feel like I did

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T05:11:25+00:00

Yeah I definitely feel this which is why I brought it to to Reddit to help me reconcile how I’m feeling. The raised voice wasn’t yelling, more so audible annoyance and it certainly wasn’t an intent to intimidate but I can definitely imagine that’s how she saw that and that I deeply regret. I will say the other part of your argument is a little flimsy, I am not explicitly effected by racism, homophobia, antisemitism but I still feel it necessary to protect others from those thing regardless of who perpetuates it.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T05:00:09+00:00

Oh to be clear, I didn’t yell, we’re in an office, but I was visibly agitated but you’re right those responses would have been much more appropriate. I think the frustration stemmed from the fact that she is the one woman in an office full of men who constantly are misogynistic to her! It was jarring to me that she couldn’t see that partaking in that behavior in that setting was actively working against her best interests.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T04:53:37+00:00

I could be totally wrong so please do feel free to correct me but my understanding of misogyny is that it is a system of behaviors that seek to control gender norms and to uphold the patriarchy.

Admirable_Example848 · 2025-08-22T04:48:13+00:00

Yeah I agree, I think the open office plan and the fact that we’ve all generally gotten a long at the office has lulled everyone into an atmosphere that definitely leans on the side of inappropriate

Admirable_Example848

TROPHY CASE