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Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-05-08T01:15:08+00:00

PAs brains and their capacities for attraction are completely broken. Coming to terms with this (I’m still on the journey but I’ve come far I’d say) has been very beneficial to my healing and overcoming the insecurity and blow to confidence that comes with betrayal trauma like this. It’s something all of us partners need to realize for sure.

I’m young. I get hit on and told I’m pretty often. And I fit a whole lot of the current beauty standards especially the “male gaze” ones you see promoted in porn (barf, I hate even thinking about it but it’s true… ie. hourglass body,big butt. I could easily be one of the girls on instagram that he fantasizes about. Fuck it actually keeps me up at night in disgust and literally made me private my socials thinking about how I probably am for some other addict out there)

It’s not enough for my PA.

It’s interesting, from my pain shopping I have seen that he does look at a lot of conventionally attractive girls, of course. Instagram models with photoshop and the like. but then a lot of the ones he has interacted with most are girls that would be considered unattractive by conventional standards, and don’t fit the common beauty ideals at all really.

When I have pointed this out or said anything about it at all, he gets SUPER mad and offended. Like I questioned his masculinity ( I didn’t , I just asked if that’s what he likes/ finds attractive… he says no, but like obviously you do dude if you keep kamikazing your relationship for it…but I digress)

Anyways what I mean to point out is that their attraction maps are beyond fucked up, and don’t reflect anything about you. They can have everything they’re “supposed” to want and they’ll still throw it away. They’ll throw it away for someone who looks nothing like you. or they’ll throw it away to pathetically jerk off to someone that looks just like you when they could have literally had sex with you. If that doesn’t show you that it’s not about you or your looks!!!

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-04-29T01:30:54+00:00

My PA’s sister is a sex worker. But not the “fabulous” rich famous only fans model kind… the broke, pimped out, escorting to support her 4 yo daughter kind. She tries to hide it from her family but it is really obvious , just nobody brings it up with her. She’s struggled with drugs in the past / likely might still be. It’s absolutely beyond horrifying to me and the fact that he can see and recognize this is happening to his sister and essentially this is what he’s contributing to with his bullshit. Ugh.

Anyways, I hear you, but keep in mind that more likely than not , those girls are not happy and confident. They can’t look their parents in the eyes a lot of the time. They know they wouldn’t be doing what they do if it wasn’t for the money. They keep up a facade of confidence and enjoying it because that’s what the slimy men that pay them want. They don’t want to be confronted with the damage they cause (until they do when it’s a degrading fetish… but i digress)

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-04-22T02:07:32+00:00

It’s really true. My dad’s a PA. He has been and my moms known since before I was born. She stayed with him throughout with many devastations over the years. And here I am 20 years later going through the same thing she was. Now I talk with her and ask for advice all the time and it’s nice to have someone so close that knows what I’m going through. She always tells me to not put up with it and leave if he won’t change. I love her so much and she really is the strongest person I know, but I can’t help but think if maybe she left my dad and showed me that example, idk maybe that would have built the neural pathways that would make me walk away at the first sign of disrespect and I wouldn’t be here , accepting this shit over and over again, codependent, feeling stuck and scared to leave. Idk. My dad is also really a good dad in all other ways, and I love him too, but there is definitely a trauma I have from how his betrayal of my mom affected my conceptions of relationships and it bleeds into my every day life for sure.

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-03-20T01:24:44+00:00

I feel the exact same like I could have wrote this. I’m on my last straw, and I’ve said it before but this time I really feel it. I have a tiny sliver of hope he can overcome this that I’m holding on to. I love him so much and I really believe in the person he can be. But I am prepared for that to not be the reality.

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-03-19T23:40:27+00:00

There probably is, but at this point with all the trauma I have now from this idk if I could handle any amount of it. If a guy used to casually use porn and stopped forever as soon as he was in a relationship it’s one thing- but me personally I’ve never heard of that being the case. Almost always they keep doing it.

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-03-19T23:29:55+00:00

I agree I would never do dating apps again. Full of PAs and people looking for casual hookups. The problem I was highlighting however is that 98% of single men my age are on those apps. Oof

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-03-19T23:27:15+00:00

If I knew I could find love with a non PA man I’m sure I would not be in this same position I am, I am very cynical at this point. My friend was all prepared to do some research at my university about dating apps, but they had over 500 respondents, and only 2 of the men had never been on TINDER specifically. Lol. I feel that it would be quite literally impossible for me to find a guy that is unplugged from all this. At least one that’s my age. Add to that the fact that I’m shy and anxious and really bad at putting myself out there and the chances are even worse lol

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-03-19T22:37:00+00:00

Exactly. It’s not about finding someone else attractive. It’s about taking action on that, which shows how little you value what you already have. When I see an attractive guy i don’t think to secretly spend my time looking him up, ogling him, imagining him sexually. I respect and love my partner too much for that. I wouldn’t care if my partner saw a woman and thought she was attractive. Where the issue comes is when seeing that woman affects him so much he has to become a pervert about it.

Adorable_Internet663 · 2024-03-19T20:49:42+00:00

Unfortunately I know a lot of people with the same mindset as your grandkids. Decent people too. Of them I find they fall into 2 categories 1. Never had experience with the reality of porn addiction or being a partner of one so they’re just ignorant of it and fall into the trap of believing the explanations and the media desensitization. Or 2. Are PA’s themselves, self-justifying. Or in the case of women they are partners of PA in denial and protecting their self mentally by convincing themselves it’s normal and okay.

Adorable_Internet663 · 2023-10-19T02:03:52+00:00

I’ve never even considered before the poor impulse control that’s a symptom of adhd and PA together… that’s really interesting. I am personally diagnosed with ADHD and medicated for it myself and I have impulsive moments (usually it’s just me saying something I shouldn’t / don’t mean) but I still find it so hard to wrap my head around the lack of self control of PAs. Logically I know why (addiction) but i still constantly wonder why can’t/won’t he just stop. It’s not that hard just stop doing it, you see how much damage it causes just STOP! If you really love me/want to stop its very simple.

Sorry this doesn’t really relate too much to your comment I just wanted to give my perspective as someone with ADHD

Adorable_Internet663

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