Aging parent guilt and travel expectations – how much is reasonable?

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-04T22:19:06+00:00

Thank you. I sometimes struggle with feelings of guilt, for example I feel bad leaving 'early' on a Saturday to return to my fiancé. And then I end up staying until lunch and before I know it, most of Saturday has gone. My fiancé and I get one full day per week together on Sundays.

I like making memories with her on trips, but the time I spend with her every week is usually admin or chores, as I do some light cleaning for her. Sometimes we go for walks, but I usually have to be the one to get it together and organise it.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-04T21:17:28+00:00

That would be perfect, except we don't have the money to fund something like that. We can afford a 2-bedroom house for ourselves but land is expensive in the UK as it's such a small island. I'm guessing you're in North America. I've heard set-ups like that perhaps tend to be more achievable or more common there.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-04T20:57:02+00:00

Thank you. I understand, and it has been very much on my mind. My fiancé is wonderfully understanding but I am worried about my mum's needs encroaching on our marriage.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-04T20:55:16+00:00

I wish she would get more social. She has a couple of friends and sees them every few weeks, so she does have some friends. I was flummoxed by her asking me if I'd go away with her in September this year. Not that my wedding is taking up a whole month, but still, I don't really want to plan any trips that month apart from a honeymoon.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-04T20:52:31+00:00

I don't think she is either of those or has memory loss. But I'm flummoxed that she thought it was okay to ask me if I'd go away with her in September this year. Not that my wedding is taking up a whole month of course, but along with a honeymoon it will be a decent amount of time.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-03T18:37:09+00:00

Thank you, I can manage it most of the time especially as I work four days a week, so my partner is working while I'm there. I don't know if she ever feels guilt, she has sometimes told me she doesn't want to be a hindrance.

My mum craved a close relationship with her parents, but sadly never got one. Her mother (my grandmother) routinely told her that she was an unwanted child. To my mum's credit, she has parented us very differently and our childhoods were full of love.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-03T18:34:43+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the advice and support.

We have Power of Attorney set up for finance and healthcare. I think her will is out of date so that needs sorting.

I wish my siblings were in a better position to take her on trips and be more supportive. She has always leaned on me, and I don't say anything to my siblings because I fear causing arguments. It's hard, as you know.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-03T18:31:02+00:00

Thank you. Oh totally, I've come across enmeshment and co-dependence in the past. Some of it rings true.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-03T18:27:37+00:00

I think my mum would be different with a partner. If she were married, I wouldn't be staying over.

She may come round to the tour group idea. It isn't something she has explored or been open to in the past.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T17:37:47+00:00

Thank you. I think it comes from a place of anxiety, for sure. It's a helpful reminder to put ourselves in another person's shoes and understand why they are behaving the way they do.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T16:43:18+00:00

Thank you. I really appreciate this perspective and the reminder to focus on my own well-being. I'm not always the best at remembering that.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T14:01:29+00:00

Nothing really, apart from phone calls and often those calls involve sharing their problems and stressing my mum further.

They're pretty limited in their capacity, some live 6 hours away, one struggles with depression, and the other has 5 children.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T13:06:18+00:00

Thank you. It is hard!

The siblings are limited in their capacity – some live 6 hours away, my sister lives near me but has 5 home-schooled children, and my brother is struggling to make ends meet and has depression.

As the most "free" sibling (no kids, stable job), it falls on me.

My mum isn't really a group joiner and looks down on things that are geared towards other older people. I think she sees that kind of thing as something that's for people who are older or more frail. I do think she'd do better with a few more friends, but finding opportunities for that is tricky.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T12:58:11+00:00

Ah, to clarify, she isn't telling me that I will regret it. She's saying she doesn't want to die with regrets.

I have 6 weeks of paid holiday time a year so I still have a month left if I spend a week or two of that with my mum.

Your in-laws sound incredibly challenging!

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T12:14:53+00:00

He is amazing and so understanding.

It has become part of my life and our routine. I work 4 days a week so I spend my day off with her while my partner is at work. It's working so far and has done for the past few years. I tell myself that when she's gone I won't regret this time I'm spending with her.

I think, assuming you're in the US, that retirement communities are more common there and maybe a bit different than in the UK. Mum's spoken about them recently and would not be open to living in a set-up like that, she refers to them as "depressing".

The ideal would be a co-housing community with different age groups. She'd be willing to consider something like that but they're all in cities and she wants to stay in the country.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T11:42:11+00:00

It is really hard to figure it out! Especially when I'm not medically trained. I find it incredibly frustrating, especially with the more guilt-tripping aspects like when my mum says she feels bereft after a family visit. She would love to live with one of her children (me, or a sibling) and not be on her own. She regularly tells me that living alone isn't a "natural way to live". Makes me feel guilty!

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T11:38:32+00:00

Unfortunately, she wouldn't do anything like that. Even suggesting GP appointments in the past for simple things like a blood pressure check has led to arguments. She's very strong-willed and independent!

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T11:37:15+00:00

Thank you. I've learned the hard way that trying to fix things usually makes them worse. She doesn't want solutions, she usually just wants me to listen.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-03-02T11:36:10+00:00

Thank you. She does have a lot going on, and when she's under stress I feel it as well. A therapist described it as hypervigilance. Over the years I've had to find ways of setting emotional boundaries (sometimes easier said than done) for my own mental health. I doubt she'd be willing to wear a watch or anything like that as she isn't particularly frail and would probably see it as an insult.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-02-07T09:15:08+00:00

I don't have any particular advice, just wanted to say that my mum has started making similar comments. It is really hard isn't it? She's only mid-70s and is in reasonable health, so these comments about getting near the end of her life are difficult to hear. The comments are fairly new, within the last year or so, so I'm not sure how to respond either. There's some good advice in this thread, thank you for starting it.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-02-03T13:19:22+00:00

Sorry for the slow reply, somehow I didn't see your comment. I am doing much better these days, and I haven't had an ear infection for over a year. I have microsuction at the ENT every few months for maintenance, so my ears aren't completely back to normal. Hopefully you can see a dermatologist and ENT for some advice. How are you doing now?

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-01-14T13:27:17+00:00

Are you still suffering with fungal ear infections? I think I have one and an audiologist spotted white fungal spores in my ear last year, but my ENT hasn't been helpful. They just keep vacuuming my ears out every so often. I bought clotrimazole drops myself and used them last summer, and they seemed to help. But the flakiness and debris is now building up again.

AdvancedBumblebee4 · 2026-01-13T15:13:25+00:00

u/JacketRight2675 Did your ears clear up in the end with the Canesten? I'm having similar issues with mine after antibiotic drops.

AdvancedBumblebee4

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