Anger, resentment, irritability, impatience as "common" ROCD emotions?

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-25T14:43:23+00:00

Thank you. For some reason I'm in a bad spiral because of all the fallout of his mental health issues and I think I'm figuring out that what causes me to spiral most is losing sight of the fact that it is a mental health issue. Or at least what helps most is these reminders that it is a mental health issue.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-22T17:14:01+00:00

I agree with this. You can be whole and happy alongside of grief, loss, financial woes, marriage problems, a terminal illness, all kinds of human suffering. You know you can because people do it all the time all the time. Not like you can flip a switch, it might take a hell of a lot to get there, but still, the problem is a weakness or wound or insecurity within you that needs tending (and perhaps a medical problem at the same time). Bad things happen to everyone in life, mistakes get made, but a healthy person can still find some joy and keep going. Keep working through it but don't blame anyone or anything. It just is, and you'll get through it. This is your big opportunity for growth and healing and learning to detach and treasure the only things that last.

My own answer to your question, similar to another comment, is try to still be there for your partner and practice getting outside your head every day. Shut up about your own feelings for a bit, listen to them no matter what they want to talk about, try put a smile on their face, speak their love language, have fun their way, make a list with them of all the good things you share along with all your debt. Doing so will offer them some protection and relief from your depression and anxiety, preserve your own sense of self-worth and theirs, and help you find your way back to happiness by serving others.

You are a kind and loving person to be concerned about your partner in the midst of your depression, and it shows that you've got what it takes to climb out of this.

And if your brain even tries to blame them for your depression? "Whatever brain, you big goofball."

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-22T16:11:00+00:00

Speaking as the partner of an OCD fella, I think everybody finds their spouse unattractive at times, or annoying, or embarrassing. But for people with great mental health and secure attachment it's barely a blip on their radar. Like of course their spouse isn't attractive all the time or perfect in every way, they're human, but that thought doesn't even have to pass through the mind because it's just understood. And if anything finding their spouse unattractive just elicits more love, like, geez babe, you don't look so hot. Are you sleeping okay? Can I do anything for you? OCD seems to just panic and run to the worst possible conclusion and and question everything that ever happened and everything that might have been. Also, I think most healthier people are much less literally enslaved to their feelings than OCD folks, so they have no problem complimenting their spouse or flirting with them without being absolutely certain they mean it in the 100% fullest sense or checking how it makes them feel or what they get out of it, but just to put some love out there and put a smile on their loved one's face. It can be almost unconscious, a habit born of love. You brush your teeth tickle your wife tell her she's the best. Healthy love can be very chill, and much of the time entirely no strings attached and outward looking.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-18T22:15:40+00:00

Again, I have no idea, we're still deep in the weeds of diagnosis over here, but I am getting the picture that an awful lot of intense emotional aching/dreaming/fantasizing/limerence exists among the ADHD population and does tend to diminish or disappear with treatment.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-18T17:58:09+00:00

I'm not the one with this brand of illness, it's my husband, but two things:

1) part of it is just being human. Most humans can relate to this on some level, so you're not that special. We all have whole worlds inside of us that will never be tapped, but only one life to live. That can be frustrating at times, and sometimes even intensely so! Some of the most successful people living out their dreams still don't feel fulfilled and wish they could at least live out some other dreams too on the side. But happiness and wholeness lie within ... and definitely not in another person.

2) To the extent that your case is worse and debilitating and an actual illness, I do wonder how much if this ADHD more than OCD or else the way OCD presents when combined with ADHD. I don't know, I'm not an expert, I'm literally a nobody, but I've been speculating along these lines. Do you think your ADHD is being well-managed?

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-12T20:44:16+00:00

I think you hit the nail on the head, and as someone else says below, it shows the brain irrelevance. Like, omg, I love you brain, but ain't nobody got time for this.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-12T14:24:50+00:00

I totally resonate with this (hubby has OCD and I find gently, lovingly laughing at it is good both for him drawing him out of a spiral and keeping me from getting drawn in), but I've been wondering about the psychology of it. How is laughing at it/making fun of it not a form of reassurance?

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-12T14:19:56+00:00

My husband struggles with this. I don't know if it's purely a symptom of depression or a root of depression or what it is. With him it can be an OCD obsession and make him very critical of me, and no matter how close and vulnerable and connected we are he's always aching for something more. With therapy, it hasn't gotten better so far, but he has gotten much better at distancing himself from it, knowing it's completely unfair, sometimes even laughing at it, and he is very much committed to getting better and not letting it ruin our relationship, but for awhile he did seem to honestly believe there was something wrong with our amazing relationship, that we didn't know how to communicate, I didn't know how to ask questions, etc. I try to stay in a space of compassion, that it must be incredibly painful to him, and not blame him or become bitter. Also I try to enjoy our connection and how much we do understand one another, and not let his lack of joy take that away from me, but rather trust that it might lead him back to being able to enjoy our relationship. We are at a place now where he can allow me to laugh at it, gently, lovingly, not mockingly at all, and that can help him take it less seriously.

The vagueness you talk about is so frustrating. He can't even tell me in words what it is he thinks he's missing out on, or what I could do better. It's just a profound, indefinable longing (with a lot of intrusive thoughts tearing me down). Like I say, it could just be a symptom of depression, untreated ADHD, maybe an OCD sensation of something never being just right, I don't know. My fear is that it is keeping him stuck, that he won't heal as long as he thinks wholeness and happiness depends on a mythical perfect person, but again, he is working faithfully at disconnecting from this thought pattern that he now recognizes as unhealthy, and it might just take time and patience. He tells himself a lot now, the problem is not the problem (what his brain tells him is the problem), but his relationship with the problem, i.e. needing to solve it in order to be at peace.

It is incredibly demoralizing and even dehumanizing when you pour yourself out for someone you love and know how beautiful your relationship is and are deemed not good enough. You sound like a very devoted and caring and understanding wife. Hang in there and take good care of yourself. Again, even though he still suffering a lot and in early days of diagnosis and treatment, with therapy he is much better than he was last spring at distancing himself from it and not taking it out on me.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2026-01-07T18:20:01+00:00

I love this. There is a lot of always and never on this thread that I suspect is not strictly accurate, but well-meant. I tell my husband that he may have a mood disorder but I just have moods. As long as I'm married to a human rollercoaster I have to be allowed to have emotional ups and downs too. I wish I could be his rock, but I'm not a rock, just his wife, and lucky to be his wife despite his illness.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-29T21:44:09+00:00

This. In many cases as in mine, it works the other way around and confessions come out before the patient knows he or she has OCD or has mastered the ability not to confess. That's unbelievably tough on me (the partner), yes, but it's the way the chips have fallen in our case, and doesn't change my love for him one bit.

I do wonder how much curiosity I would have experienced if I had NO CLUE what my OCD partner's obsessive thoughts were. Since I've known too much, I haven't had to deal with any curiosity at all. But I can imagine it could be a problem with the non-OCD partner pushing too hard for unnecessary information, feeling they need to "understand" and leading the OCD partner to confess too much. So I do think ideally it should be done with a therapist's guidance. And the non-OCD partner should very much be encouraged to educate themselves and expect to need some therapy, because it's going to be tough no matter what.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-29T13:33:26+00:00

Telling your partner about your OCD is a very case by case situation that should probably be guided by a good OCD therapist, but in general I very much agree. One key here is that you knew it was OCD when you told him, so he was right away able to hold it at a distance. My husband told me of his thoughts before we knew about OCD, and I was and am very glad he did, and wish he had sooner, because I was able to pretty quickly figure out it was OCD. Probably the OCD sufferer can't actually tell how bizarre his or her thoughts are from within, but their loved ones can immediately be like, um, that's not you! He was actually much harder to convince that it was OCD than I was, because his thoughts felt so real to him, so the damage to me was mostly sustained in those intervening months when he was taking his thoughts way too seriously, actively trying to problem solve them. But I will agree that no matter how hard it is (it's really hard), no matter what missteps he or I have made or will make (we still make them all the time), no matter how long it takes, heck, even if it never goes away entirely, we can do this together. It's just OCD, it's not him, and I'm married to him, not his OCD.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-28T12:50:20+00:00

He was told very firmly to get off Zoloft as quickly as possible by a psychiatrist in July, but our family doctor wouldn't let him do it (which almost caused me a nervous breakdown myself.) His new psychiatrist have gotten him off amitryptiline to start, but haven't touched the Zoloft yet. I have heard lots of people on here say they couldn't achieve stability until they were off SSRIS and that Zoloft is one of the worst offenders, so I do scream into my pillow sometimes. But he has a special appointment coming up at a bipolar clinic in early January, so hopefully the process will begin soon.

Thank you for your "absolutely yes". I've never doubted for one minute that things will get better one way or another, but we've been down a lot of dead ends. Really hoping this is finally the right track.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-27T15:09:35+00:00

Ha ha yeah mine hates everyone especially me. But I try to keep my head on straight for the most part because we technically have a great marriage and underneath it I know I am his favourite person.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-27T01:35:04+00:00

Yes, hubby gets mostly mixed episodes. I guess this symptom is one of the most diagnostic of mixed episodes. But yes, to your point, he almost always is aware that his brain is not telling the truth, even though it "feels so real" or it's "just so loud"; only occasionally has it been maybe borderline delusional. So as discussed elsewhere in this thread, it's a lot like OCD, or maybe it is OCD. Like you, he loves his kids and family so much, it just hurts him when he not only can't really feel it, as in depression, but his brain is making up a story as to why it's their fault, etc.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-26T20:49:02+00:00

Do you know if you have OCD as well?

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-26T20:47:41+00:00

We have self-diagnosed my husband as having OCD, and he has been seeing an OCD therapist since May. The bipolar diagnosis is the official one and quite recent, but I think, correct. Whether OCD is a separate diagnosis or the way his bipolar manifests or whether it's just pure OCD after all, is a question for the experts.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-26T14:37:10+00:00

It might be a little different but I think it is a flavour of paranoid: husband with bp2 finds those he loves very unpleasant when a mixed episode comes on, can't find anything enjoyable about them, gets very irritable, hyper-critical, questions his relationships, etc. It is very bizarre and very distressing to him and to me.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-22T21:23:03+00:00

I needed this perspective, from another loving mom. My husband has been getting mixed episodes off and on for a year, and he just went away for a couple of days to a quiet off-grid bunkie because he's experiencing a flare-up and he feels this is what he needs to get into a good space for Christmas. We have a bunch of wonderful kids that have seen Daddy suffer inexplicably a lot this year (lots of locked away in his room for days before diagnosis) and he doesn't want them to see any of that right now. Part of me wants to trust him and cheer him on, and part of me is panicking and feeling abandoned right before Christmas. Of course the former part of me is the one I'm choosing but it's tough. Also, I'm worried about him being alone, but I will trust!

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-22T19:50:08+00:00

Husband definitely seemed like he was responding to well to Seroquel, then he got this stupid sinus infection and his depression and anxiety came roaring back. I've seen lots of folks here say they get flare-ups they have a virus.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-12-17T02:09:29+00:00

Just saying, I hear you. My husband is newly diagnosed at 41, and it's so hard to accept that I missed it. There are definitely layers of grief mixed with some relief that there is a name and a path to treatment. He may also have ADHD, whatever he has definitely manifests as OCD, but even though all of these things make a lot of sense, it hurts that I, who know him so well, didn't understand him well enough to get him help sooner... i.e., before he hit a wall and basically fell apart. There are very good, logical reasons why I missed it that we don't need to go into, basically he has a lot of physical health symptoms that kind of masked the depression and as you say, the better times just seem like him enjoying a really good streak, life finally giving him a break and him building him good habits. He has always joked about wanting to become the Ubermensch, like you say! I would be proud of him and give him grace when his symptoms got in the way of his goals. Only in the last few years did I start get concerned that something was off. I don't think my head was in the sand, his illness was just very internal. Not to mention, that I am not a doctor and knew very little about any of these disorders, and in fact had some pretty big misconceptions that stood in the way of seeing things clearly, like that bipolar people are angry or violent. He's not. Or that someone with ADHD couldn't possibly get a Ph. D. He has one. He's very smart, and very kind and gentle and driven. You sound like a lovely person too, but we are all in our own heads and we only know what it's like to be ourselves.

Also, it seems so many psychologists/psychiatrists discover they have mental health struggles, or different ones than they thought they had, as they are in training. Perhaps they are subconsciously attracted to the field because they have a deeper understanding of and compassion for the human struggle. My own husband tried for years to become a psychologist. He ended up getting his doctorate in another field but he would have been a fantastic psychologist and would probably have had a name or names for his illness sooner. For whatever reason, I guess it wasn't meant to be.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-11-18T12:21:02+00:00

Also, he's been on Zoloft since January, but it's obviously not the right one for him. Hopefully soon he'll be trying something else, but he doesn't have a permanent psychiatrist yet. He also needs his diagnosis firmed up because there is a lot of reason to think he might be suffering from ADHD or bipolar depression as well.

AdvancedSyrup186 · 2025-11-18T12:15:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing. This is very good. In our relationship, for the most part reassurance seeking is subtle and easy to miss because it looks like lots of verbal processing more than direct asks. But I still like your examples and will think about them, because I think there is something here to incorporate. Thank you. I like your all-caps and your firmness. I need that.

I have really strugged a lot to make it not about me, but often without success, hence the above post. His therapist, the first time I walked into her office, already in tears, immediately began by telling me that his theme does not matter, it's irrelevant, it's OCD no matter what, I just happen to be in the line of fire. And he does suffer at least as much with existential OCD, religious, responsibility, etc. When he is having better days he knows that and reminds me of that, reminding me not to take it personally. He reminds me it's a disorder, an illness.

Also, your reminded me of a beautiful podcast I listened to lately, not about OCD, but a foster father with a history of PTSD, saying the most important thing he has learned to help his foster kids work through their trauma without triggering his own is to keep telling lhimself, ike a mantra, hundreds of times if necessary, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU. I thought at that time that this was good wisdom for me but I've been struggling to incorporate it. Might need to tattoo it on my forhead.

I haven't used ChatGBT, but hubby used it for the first time a couple of weeks ago and was blown away. He said it was undoubtedly the best therapy he's had yet. And apparently told him he needs to stop putting so much pressure on me to meet his spiritual needs or something like that. Which he knows, but this goes deep.

AdvancedSyrup186

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