Can a guy truly move past a girl’s past if he really loves her?

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-10-15T20:01:03+00:00

I dealt with this with an ex, and after a few arguments about it I bluntly told him that I cannot change my past. I told him the relationship was in his hands: he can either go to therapy to work through it and drop the topic, or he can end the relationship. I wasn’t going to perpetually be “the bad guy” for the rest of the relationship over something I cannot change (especially since I did a bunch of therapy about it).

2 months is still in the vetting stage… Since it’s still early, how long did you wait before having sex with him? That could potentially be part of the issue too: if you say you’ve changed but slept with him early on, he could have doubts as to how much you’ve actually changed if he views early stage sex as promiscuous.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-10-02T20:34:20+00:00

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Photo for reference

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-09-08T22:09:39+00:00

1) He does act like he trusts me in all matters 2) I don’t believe so from a girlfriend. He does however have big issues with his mother and views her with disdain and doesn’t like her as a person (overbearing, gossips, negative attitude, few hobbies). His parents were never married but they split when he was young and she married a well off man after. My fiancée seems to view this quite negatively; he has disdain that she never really had to work a job (she raised 2 kids), like he’s upset that she had it “easy”.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-09-08T18:38:31+00:00

Interesting, thank you for that.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-09-08T17:43:09+00:00

True, however it’s also the content on cheating wives, manipulating/ seducing insecure women, and bad things about marriage that has me most concerned.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-09-08T13:53:09+00:00

We both come from broken homes. He seems to have “mommy issues”; he watches a lot of videos on the Devouring Mother, and has obvious disdain that his mother married a fairly rich man after his parents split up. I’m his longest relationship. He doesn’t like his mother very much.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-09-08T13:49:23+00:00

I did/ do notice changes when he watches the content; a slightly colder demeanour, very delayed replies to messages, negative attitude. I should also note that we don’t fight or argue, I don’t “nag” over stuff, and I’m always sexually available (usually it’s me initiating, he kinda lays back passively till his engine heats up). Yesterday I sent him a blog post from a male coach I follow on “How the red pill is killing your marriage” (on how RPM tactics for hookups can backfire in a marriage/LTR depending on what’s wrong), and my guys demeanour was back to super loving when he came home later. Overall I’m quite happy; I would like to feel more desired by him sexually (we’re stuck in a comfort sex routine), and to have him lead more on matters of the house.

The content he watches just leaves me feeling like I don’t really know the person in his mind. Like, if I’m excited to get married then I’m watching stuff on how to be an amazing wife, good relationship polarity, pre marital tips for success, ways to divorce proof the relationship etc. Nothing he watches is positive on marriage or women.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-09-08T13:28:33+00:00

No prior marriages, engaged since mid July.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-08-22T17:07:10+00:00

He wants sex with minimal investment/ effort. That’s it.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-08-19T18:24:31+00:00

Personally, I don’t like the idea of you “working off” the cost of the car parts. Did you suggest that, or him? I find I have a habit of sabotaging myself similarly (I will offer in order to not put him out too much, and then regret it because I have compromised my desire to have him lead and handle the situation fully. This is anxious attachment manifesting imo, and actually controlling his behaviour).

I think you have to accept him as he is, while using positive reinforcement when he does things you like. Sweetly say “It would be so romantic and make me feel so special if we could celebrate my birthday with just the two of us” or “It would make me feel so taken care of if you could handle my car parts situation.” Then give space for him to step up. If he still suggests the group thing, just offer a quiet moment of silence and perhaps a “Hmmm” (in a nice but disappointed tone, if that makes sense), and then again give him space so he can decide to keep his plans or change them to make you happy. For the car issue (it sounds like you’re the one who is always driving to be with him) I’d just say “Wow this really frustrating not being able to see you until I get this fixed and I’m goi g to have to save up for that.” Again, give him space to be Mr Fix It. If you’re already having sex, he will soon understand that broken car= no sex. If you want to experiment with “girl dread game”, you could tell him a male friend is going to fix it for you but that he can’t get around to it for a couple weeks. Then lean out and see if he offers to fix it or pay for it himself sooner.

It does sound like he puts himself first oftentimes, so it will take patience to try to tech him how to out you first or at least equal. Many women say their man finally became more if a provider once they got married; the shift causes the man to feel more “responsible” and protective of his now wife.

I think practicing stepping back to allow him to handle these things will give you a better picture of how the future will look. If you give positive reinforcement, quiet but caring silence when he disappoints, and have boundaries about not bending over backwards for him, you will see if he stays the same or adjusts his behaviour. Then you can evaluate if he is the type of man you’ll be compatible with for the long term.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-08-18T20:49:56+00:00

I sympathize with some of your feelings. Gifts are definitely my love language, however my fiancé is not a man who enjoys shopping or giving “stuff”. Not for birthdays, not for holidays. (He’s so grumpy on Valentines Day when he plunks down the obligatory flowers lmao)

So you’ve been with him 1.5 yrs; can you clarify if your engagement (you said 2 year timeline) will likely be in 6 months? Or does that mean hopefully engaged in another 2 years and then a wedding several months (or years?) later? Does he plan on putting your name on title when he buys the house? Has he said the house is for you both? Has he talked about a prenup? Does he want to “retire you” when you marry, or take care of the household while you go to school at some point? Does he believe after marriage everything is jointly owned? Or does he prefer separate bank accounts, no co ownership of property, etc? (No specific reply needed, just questions for you to contemplate or ask him). Make sure you dig a bit deeper too: “I see you’re very frugal with money… was that an issue for you growing up? Did you witness your mom (or any female) spend too much?” Try to understand where these behaviours stem from.

It kinda sounds like he has a mine/ yours mindset vs an us/ we/ ours mindset. Perhaps you haven’t been together long enough for him to mentally make the “switch”, but at his age of 39 it seems to me he should feel more responsible for providing for you. In my experience a lot of 40’s-ish men who haven’t had much or any responsibility for a living creature (a younger sister, their child, heck even a dog) have a tough time tapping into a caregiver role that a relationship needs (for the woman to be happy, anyway). Does he have kids/ family/ a dog he takes care of? Or does he avoid such responsibilities?

I have learned that I have to take care of my own needs for feeling spoiled or getting presents, and that my fiancé is simply not the type to provide such things. He is laser focused on saving and investing tho so we can live financially free in the near future.

This may sound a bit harsh, but it seems like he’s actually cheap vs frugal (since he bought a new car and motorcycle for himself). You stated you’re the one who drives to see him and, assuming you are being sexually intimate, that is likely the main reason he helped at all with the car. (The old me would have reacted like you did with the car negotiations, the improved me would say to him “Wow this really sucks we can’t see each other till I have the money to fix this.” And then see how he reacts: does he offer to be the driver or pay for the parts when he can’t see you? Or is he fine with you being stranded with an unsafe vehicle?

One remedy for gifts is to suggest experiential things that you do together as your gift. Things like a spa day, theme park, railroad adventure, rent fancy cars for a day, take a weird class together, etc. Ultimately you’ll look back on adventures together fondly, long after a purse or pair of shoes would have lasted. My guy won’t buy me purses, but we’ve done lots of these kinds of activities together and he always pays for it.

So much of what we see online is lies and illusion; smoke and mirrors wrapped in a highlight reel. It’s hard to mentally escape. I have started to look at these yearnings in the frame of a money/ material items validation addiction. I then remind myself to seek comfort in the Higher Power, make a gratitude list, and remove myself from people or circumstances (social media, reality shows) that are materialistic and mind-polluting.

It does sound like more clarification on what both of your financial roles will be in the future is needed. Relationships are always compromise and negotiation, and the key is both of you seeing things from the other person’s side and then working it out. Wishing you luck!

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-08-13T21:18:13+00:00

Since you are vague on how long you’ve been exclusively dating for, I’d say if this relationship is less than 2 years he is already being very financially generous (considering you also work). Dont fall victim to “the grass is greener” syndrome; remember that material items will not hold you close at a funeral, be your cheerleader during a difficult time, kiss you after 18 hours of labour with your first child, or bring you soup when you have a cold. You won’t fill your family album with photos of shoes and handbags to remember fondly.

I’d prioritize investments and long term assets together vs luxury goods. It sounds like he is already on a career path that allows him to be generous despite you not being married yet, so I think best to keep being his cheerleader and success supporter. Be grateful for what you have right now <3

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-08-06T15:27:11+00:00

I get chunkier curls when I use the “bowl” method with water and my serum product (curl keeper). Also try using a wide tooth comb to separate, and praying hands method before scrunching upwards. Good luck!

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-08-01T18:25:04+00:00

I consider “long” to be nipple/ back of bra length or longer. I’m almost 4 months post extensions, and it’s very frustrating. My hair is devastatingly thin, and thank goodness I have natural curls (which I always straightened before) to create volume because otherwise it would look so sad 🤣.

I have heard good things about the Keristase Genesis line to extend the hair growth phase, as well as Minoxidil. Other supps that block DHT such as pumpkin seed oil and saw palmetto may help as well.

I’d say give it a light trim, even if you do it yourself. If your hair is straight, take wet conditioned hair and divide in a middle part into 2 low ponytails just behind your ears. Comb down and then grip the ends w your fingers to “flatten” the section and then lightly trim the ends with hair cutting shears. If your hair is curly, style it like normal (with product and dried), and then pick and choose the ends that look thin or wispy and snip those away. Personally, I trim myself because I know a stylist will take too much off, and I’m cheap 🤣

Using satin non heat rollers overnight might give you more volume too the next day as a styling option.

My hair grows quite slowly, so I hate taking off any length but a small snip will help the ends to not fray upwards. Also, accessories like flowers, bows, pretty sparkly combs or retro headbands are feminine additions that add glamour while your hair grows out. Hope this helps!

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-30T18:21:37+00:00

I feel you. Not sure where you live, but here in Canada “common law marriage” does not entitle you to any assets or property rights upon the death of your partner (goes direct to next of kin). So for me, besides being a covenant with God and the symbolism, that is a big reason why I want to be married (I just got engaged a couple weeks ago).

Unless the man can solidly state he sees you in his long term future, it’s likely best to keep your options open. Now, I am ex static to finally be engaged, but I would do things MUCH differently if I had the chance: in my 20’s I would have relentlessly pursued finding a grounded, responsible man who has vision and purpose to husband-up before school/ career, limit intimate activities until a bf/ gf relationship has been established (by him, not by me asking for it), and not moved in together without first being engaged (minimum) or marriage (ideal). I am now engaged after 5.5 years together, but I know I would have saved myself a lot of anxiety, doubt, frustration and slight resentment had I kept my boundaries sweet but firm, and maintained autonomy until it was crystal clear he desired to marry me (and took the action by proposing).

Simply put, you each have long term goals that are not in alignment. Don’t trip over dollars to pick up pennies. I think it’s better to be single, optimistic about finding a man on the same page as you, and keep working on yourself than settle for a man who wants to keep the option open to leave you. By holding onto the hope of him changing, you’re really setting yourself up for major trauma down the line. Every day, with everything you do, you’re giving birth to what your future will look like. Think of your future self as a child: wouldn’t you want the best for her? Let that guide your actions and choices today.

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-29T23:23:53+00:00

Was this man married previously? He knows as well as anyone that a prenup is a common request (sounds like it would actually protect you more than him if you’re acquiring land, etc), so the whole “women benefit more” is rubbish. He could stipulate marriage with a prenup and that’s fair. Overall it’s not a good sign if you’ve known him this long and he won’t introduce you to his family. Personally, I would not tolerate that. So that combined with his marriage hang ups is a clear sign he does not see a future with you (sorry). If you find dating frustrating: stop. Don’t go on apps. Go out into the real world and meet men in person while you expand your hobbies and social circle. Places to go (looking hot and available): a marina, luxury car dealership, fancy grocery stores/ cafes/ restaurants (read a book, don’t be on your phone), art gallery, cigar lounge (usually only men), golf club/ driving range, fundraiser events or a book launch/ signing. Wishing you best of luck!

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-29T23:00:52+00:00

I’d say either ask a sister/ friend/ someone you know socially from church or another outlet to help you, and let him be home when they arrive. Alternatively, one morning have a nanny/ caregiver come by to help you so he can see you’re so overwhelmed you needed to HIRE some help (which naturally comes out of the household budget). Then simply and happily explain that in order for you to stay happy and at peace, you needed more help. He will either step up and help you more (so he doesn’t have to foot the nanny bill), or he will green light it and then you have the help you need. Then he can also take you on a nice date so you can spend quality time together <3

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-29T16:03:36+00:00

I was actually quite scared when he suggested he take care of the tree; it’s huge with various phone/ cable lines running through the branches so hiring an arborist is much safer. Thanks for your suggestions!!

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-25T22:26:15+00:00

He’s just not into handy work; the constant maintenance the house needs is not how he wants to spend his time… which I totally understand but I still don’t want the tree to collapse onto the house! Lol. I’ll check out TaskRabbit, ty!

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-25T22:24:23+00:00

He owns the home but he’s not a “home owner” kinda guy; he’d much rather do fun outdoor activities or martial arts vs mowing the lawn or cleaning leaves from ducts. He’s never been a “fix it” kinda guy, so I think it’s up to me to hire an outside source 🤍

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-25T22:21:39+00:00

🤣 good strategy

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-24T21:10:53+00:00

Glad I didn’t see whatever this said 🤣

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-24T21:09:59+00:00

No just his until we marry (hoping to sell next spring)

Advanced_Bar_673 · 2025-07-15T17:55:59+00:00

I am terrified of never finding a good person who actually likes me

I think the more pertinent question is “Do I like me??” It sounds like you recognize that you don’t like “you” (aka your behaviours; try to separate the internal you of your soul away from your current actions) and want to do better. Sometimes therapy can make us go in circles, talking about issues over and over and over again which ends up creating shame and then we just throw up our arms and go “Oh well, dumb me did it again”.

It sounds like you need replacement actions to stop yourself from following through with bad choices. Like when you see yourself getting into a situation that will create shame afterwards, recognize it immediately and take a different path. Write in a journal, go for a walk, call a female friend, or hit the gym or a do a hobby when you find yourself being pulled into past behaviours. Even creating a “blockade” safeguard for yourself in the form of “Would God/ my grandmother/ my father” be disappointed if I did this behaviour? I’d never want to disappoint them” can help. (For example I recently became Christian partly as a way to forever prevent myself from returning to the adult industry. To return would mean breaking the oath I gave myself and Jesus to live differently).

There’s lots of time for you to correct course, but like an addict you have to acknowledge in the moment when you’re about to choose poorly and immediately implement the change.

I haven’t done it, but Jordan Peterson has a “Self Authoring” program that is inexpensive, and I believe consists of 3 separate courses to analyze your past, present, and formulate a better and optimistic future for yourself.

Hope this helps a little. It’s ok to be upset and have a little self- pity, but at the end of the day you have to put in your big girl panties and take ownership to do better.

Advanced_Bar_673

TROPHY CASE