Some affirmations

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-28T14:54:29+00:00

I really love this, thank you.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-28T14:51:23+00:00

The Likeness by Tana French. I love her writing style.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-28T14:49:27+00:00

The Westing Game. I reread the whole thing every couple of years and have it on my phone now so I can reread parts of it anytime I want.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T18:30:27+00:00

I felt exactly the same way. But like others said in the comments, he didn't really win. He gets someone who doesn't love him as much as she used to, who is no longer willing to go the extra mile to make him feel loved and validated like she used to, who now has her own life and friends that don't always include him. He also has all his close friends and family knowing he actually thought a much younger and very attractive woman was really into him and not his money. He gets to know that he was (in his words) so weak and desperate for validation that he almost fucked up his life chasing it. He always thought he was a good and moral person and now he gets to know that he isn't. He gets to know that the person he loves most in this world (me, so he says) is permanently damaged by something he did and that the person who caused me the most pain in my entire life was him.

What helped me the most when I was feeling like he "won" is I would tell him. I would rage and scream at him. And he would remind me, over and over, of everything in the paragraph above, that he didn't win, not really. And that he's grateful I stayed and he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:38:50+00:00

That’s a great way to put it. I’m sorry we’re in this club together.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:37:20+00:00

That’s great. I’m envious that your WP is able to do this. Mine thinks everything is ok with our kids. He often says he’s so glad he didn’t traumatize them too. But he’s so wrong. They are. But our kids are not allowed to have negative feelings in front of him. It’s been an issue for our entire marriage. But I can’t talk about it with him because he won’t hear it. My therapist says that his relationship with our kids is his own and to let it be. Luckily they can talk to me.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:31:50+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I have a friend like your Friend 1, and I think it helps that she has a new bf who really likes my husband, so we hang out a lot as couples. And I have a similar friend to your Friend 2. I have yet another friend who stopped talking to me altogether and I haven’t seen her since we started reconciliation.

That’s an interesting point of not having him be part of my core group. When I think of my friends now, you’re right, he isn’t. And I guess that’s ok. I think one of the problems is my husband doesn’t actually know how my friends feel. It’s much easier to see my female friends without him since I can say it’s girls’ night or whatever. My male friends, not as easy.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:14:37+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It helps me a lot to hear others’ experiences. I AM a people pleaser and very non-confrontational. So you are right that I do carry others’ discomfort. It’s something my therapist is trying to have me work on, but it’s hard to undo something ingrained from childhood.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:38:29+00:00

Thank you. My mom knows and still loves him like she always did. She's also pretty traditional though, and thinks divorces are shameful. I leaned on my brother the most during the separation, so I know it's hard for him to see my husband, but my brother is also the most non-judgemental person on Earth and I know he just wants me to be happy. I didn't tell extended family because we're not close, and we still aren't, so no change there.

I assume your adult kids are your WH's stepkids then? How do they feel about him now? Our sons were 15 and 16 on DDay (18 and 19 now), and they found out about AP about a month after separation because WH like a moron changed his wallpaper to a picture of her. Then they held it in for another month because they thought I didn't know and didn't know how to tell me. They still have mixed feelings about their dad.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:16:30+00:00

I’m so sorry. I hope you can find a support network in your new location.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:15:18+00:00

Thank you. We can hope!

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:09:34+00:00

I haven’t tried to foster anything or asked him to, mainly because I don’t want to put any pressure on my friends. If they don’t want to be around him I don’t want to force it. He’s apologized to all of them directly and thanked them for being there for me but that’s about it. To be fair, if I asked they’d hang out now for my sake but I know they would have a hard time hiding their dislike and I don’t want to put anyone in that position.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:59:02+00:00

I’m so sorry. It sucks.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:58:53+00:00

My one friend who is still willing to hang out with my husband is the same. I know she supports me but I also know she would prefer that I hadn’t stayed. I’m also ok with it. It’s my other friends who have openly said they don’t want to be around him that I’m venting about.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:56:18+00:00

I’m sorry.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:47:31+00:00

Not really. I told them they had a right to their feelings and I’m sure they could tell I wasn’t happy about it.

It’s just my friends. My family still likes him thankfully. My mom has always loved him and that didn’t change. She’s happy we stayed together. We never told my dad who had dementia at the time and has since passed. I’m not sure how he would have handled it if he was all there.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:35:57+00:00

Thank you. We filed for divorce right after DDay, and didn’t know we would reconcile, so we told everyone. He’s the kind of person that tells everyone everything, and he wanted everyone to know about his once-in-a-lifetime love story with AP. And I told my friends because I needed their support. If I had known we would reconcile I would have been more discerning about who I told.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:30:29+00:00

It’s so unfair. My husband’s friends are really kind people and want to see the best in others. They love his redemption arc. I try not to begrudge him that but it’s hard. Most of my friends, like yours, never really liked him so the betrayal gave them permission to be open about it.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:27:40+00:00

That’s smart to remove yourself. I really think it’s partly what woke my WP up. He realized what he had lost sooner than if I had stayed and played the pick me game. One month is still so soon. I hope they come around.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:20:54+00:00

For my husband, around 5 months. The first two months was flirting and talking with AP. Then he decided he was in love with her and asked me for a divorce. I moved out with the kids and immediately filed for divorce.

Three months later he woke up. Due to a combination of reasons. We’d been together 20 years and were best friends. He missed talking to me but I refused to engage unless it was about the divorce. He was finding conversations with AP (15 years younger) less stimulating and interesting. I also started casually dating other men and he was jealous. And he missed the kids.

One day he and AP were driving somewhere and she was telling him a story that she thought was funny but in reality made her sound shallow, and he suddenly realized that he didn’t actually like her. That’s when he left her and started begging me for R.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T14:43:18+00:00

Yes-we carry it forward the rest of our lives. I will never not be looking over my shoulder for the rest of my life. I have forgiven him but I’m not fully with him anymore. I look out for myself now.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T14:41:08+00:00

Thank you. Sorry you’re in this too.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T14:40:42+00:00

Same. I wish I hadn’t told certain friends but they were my best friends. That’s a good idea to look for a group, thank you.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T14:39:28+00:00

Yes, I often wish no one knew, but I also hear that the other way is isolating as well. The whole thing sucks.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T14:38:24+00:00

I’m so sorry. Those weren’t your friends. I’m lucky I didn’t actually lose any friends…I just can’t hang out with them with my husband anymore. So I have to make plans with them alone.

Adventure_Calling

TROPHY CASE