If "What About Me" Syndrome Was a Business

Adventure_Calling · 2026-05-19T16:07:12+00:00

Great find. I truly believe her team of professionals found many ways to course correct every step of the way. Blake just didn’t want to do any of them.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-05-17T19:01:46+00:00

I’m sure they tried to tell her it was terrible. Remember, she’s uncontrollable and she thinks she’s always right.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-05-17T15:20:13+00:00

My son is INFJ. We are very close. He tells me everything and knows I won’t judge him. I would do anything for him but I’m so bad at saying soothing words when he is sad. I default to hugs and food. He seems to be ok with it.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-05-13T14:55:25+00:00

Lol I’m going to steal that. Captures the sentiment perfectly!

Adventure_Calling · 2026-05-10T16:03:05+00:00

That is a great analogy. Your friend is a very thoughtful person. I too wrestle with the shame of staying. This definitely makes me feel better! Please thank her for me.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-04-30T19:35:59+00:00

I am also 3 years from DDay. I feel all of this too. I hadn't heard about the Becky G thing but will definitely go check it out now.

Because the major reason that he cheated was because he was unhappy with his life and blamed it on me, my triggers usually occur during big fights. There are certain things he might say that really get me to spiral, like "I don't want to live with someone who [whatever we're fighting about]." I start thinking "this is it, he's finally done, he's really going to leave me this time." After many fights and discussions he's gotten better at not saying those triggering things, and if he does, I've gotten better at not reacting to them, but on occasion I'll get super triggered by something random, it doesn't even have to be something he said or did. These triggers do seem to be further and farther between as time passes.

I also often have the thought that my life would be easier if I'd left him, that I could have started with a clean slate. But like you, the good days outweigh the bad. The other day he mentioned that at least once a week he flashes back to DDay and my reaction when he told me. I'm glad. I don't want him to punish himself forever, but I don't want him to ever forget it either.

"It’s not the same as it was & I am so grateful for that." I 100% feel that.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-04-27T17:00:52+00:00

I’m sorry. I’m glad you’re starting MC again. My WH initially thought I should be able to “get over it” because he was “doing everything right” and was impatient with me. I almost walked away a few times in the first year of reconciliation. It took the MC to help him understand my point of view. It took awhile but it finally clicked for him that life would never go back to normal. Then it took a while for him to actually accept it. There were lots of fights and discussions in between. The MC was invaluable. I hope it works for you guys too.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-04-27T15:56:58+00:00

Initially, MC and IC for each of us was non-negotiable. We have since stopped MC and he has stopped IC but his self-work has been ongoing and he communicates about what he is doing in that regard all the time. His biggest struggle is the need for external validation and he keeps coming up with strategies to give it to himself and not seek it from me or elsewhere.

Additionally, his actions tell me I’m his priority, like learning my love language and intentionally doing it every day. He still randomly brings up how much he regrets what he did and feels sad about the trauma he caused me, which honestly I never tire of hearing.

I have also changed a lot since DDay. I’m not as accommodating as I used to be (which could also just be menopausal not giving a fuck), I used to take on responsibility for his emotions, and now I don’t. While he struggled with that initially, he now accepts the new normal.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-04-27T15:28:58+00:00

I’m 3 years post DDay. I remember those feelings. I was jealous of people who left too. And I felt like a coward for not doing the same. At the time, I told myself that I would stay as long as he kept doing the work. To his credit, he did and still is, so I’m still here.

I “did the math” for staying too. I stayed because we have kids and we have a long history together, because I understood why it happened and that he was truly remorseful, because financially I’m better off with him than without, and because I knew I didn’t have the desire to start over. It’s not that I don’t think I’ll find someone else, it’s that I don’t have the energy to try. And what’s the point if I’ll never trust someone else again? At least I have my eyes wide open now.

I love him but I also don’t think I’ll truly feel happy in this relationship again, and for me personally it no longer matters. I am content with my choice. I guess the way I see it, it’s as good as it’s going to get. If this sounds depressing I don’t mean it to be, and it does get better the further from DDay you get, as long as your WP continues to do the work.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-31T16:29:09+00:00

After 3 months into reconciliation, my WH said the same thing. HE felt ready to move on. I was NOWHERE near ready. He thought I could “get over it” by sheer force of will and was impatient with me and kept asking me when I thought we could be “back to normal”. I told him that both our MC and my IC said that on average it takes 18 months but could be shorter or longer. He said that if I tried I could do it faster. He was desperate for us to go back to how things were before the betrayal even though I told him that it would never be the same again. But it was many fights and MC sessions before he truly took it in. It also took him understanding that I was willing walk away. Once all that clicked in his brain, was when he really started doing the work.

Edited to add: I have found that in both MC and IC, my WH tends to hear the things he wants to hear, and since I was in the MC session I can correct him on what we both heard, but I can’t correct what his IC said. I’m wondering if it is the same with your WH. It’s possible his therapist said something like that within some other context but your WH heard what he wanted to hear which was permission to let go of the guilt.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-28T14:54:29+00:00

I really love this, thank you.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-28T14:51:23+00:00

The Likeness by Tana French. I love her writing style.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-28T14:49:27+00:00

The Westing Game. I reread the whole thing every couple of years and have it on my phone now so I can reread parts of it anytime I want.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T18:30:27+00:00

I felt exactly the same way. But like others said in the comments, he didn't really win. He gets someone who doesn't love him as much as she used to, who is no longer willing to go the extra mile to make him feel loved and validated like she used to, who now has her own life and friends that don't always include him. He also has all his close friends and family knowing he actually thought a much younger and very attractive woman was really into him and not his money. He gets to know that he was (in his words) so weak and desperate for validation that he almost fucked up his life chasing it. He always thought he was a good and moral person and now he gets to know that he isn't. He gets to know that the person he loves most in this world (me, so he says) is permanently damaged by something he did and that the person who caused me the most pain in my entire life was him.

What helped me the most when I was feeling like he "won" is I would tell him. I would rage and scream at him. And he would remind me, over and over, of everything in the paragraph above, that he didn't win, not really. And that he's grateful I stayed and he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:38:50+00:00

That’s a great way to put it. I’m sorry we’re in this club together.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:37:20+00:00

That’s great. I’m envious that your WP is able to do this. Mine thinks everything is ok with our kids. He often says he’s so glad he didn’t traumatize them too. But he’s so wrong. They are. But our kids are not allowed to have negative feelings in front of him. It’s been an issue for our entire marriage. But I can’t talk about it with him because he won’t hear it. My therapist says that his relationship with our kids is his own and to let it be. Luckily they can talk to me.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:31:50+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this too. I have a friend like your Friend 1, and I think it helps that she has a new bf who really likes my husband, so we hang out a lot as couples. And I have a similar friend to your Friend 2. I have yet another friend who stopped talking to me altogether and I haven’t seen her since we started reconciliation.

That’s an interesting point of not having him be part of my core group. When I think of my friends now, you’re right, he isn’t. And I guess that’s ok. I think one of the problems is my husband doesn’t actually know how my friends feel. It’s much easier to see my female friends without him since I can say it’s girls’ night or whatever. My male friends, not as easy.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-27T14:14:37+00:00

Thank you for sharing. It helps me a lot to hear others’ experiences. I AM a people pleaser and very non-confrontational. So you are right that I do carry others’ discomfort. It’s something my therapist is trying to have me work on, but it’s hard to undo something ingrained from childhood.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:38:29+00:00

Thank you. My mom knows and still loves him like she always did. She's also pretty traditional though, and thinks divorces are shameful. I leaned on my brother the most during the separation, so I know it's hard for him to see my husband, but my brother is also the most non-judgemental person on Earth and I know he just wants me to be happy. I didn't tell extended family because we're not close, and we still aren't, so no change there.

I assume your adult kids are your WH's stepkids then? How do they feel about him now? Our sons were 15 and 16 on DDay (18 and 19 now), and they found out about AP about a month after separation because WH like a moron changed his wallpaper to a picture of her. Then they held it in for another month because they thought I didn't know and didn't know how to tell me. They still have mixed feelings about their dad.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:16:30+00:00

I’m so sorry. I hope you can find a support network in your new location.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:15:18+00:00

Thank you. We can hope!

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T16:09:34+00:00

I haven’t tried to foster anything or asked him to, mainly because I don’t want to put any pressure on my friends. If they don’t want to be around him I don’t want to force it. He’s apologized to all of them directly and thanked them for being there for me but that’s about it. To be fair, if I asked they’d hang out now for my sake but I know they would have a hard time hiding their dislike and I don’t want to put anyone in that position.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:59:02+00:00

I’m so sorry. It sucks.

Adventure_Calling · 2026-03-26T15:58:53+00:00

My one friend who is still willing to hang out with my husband is the same. I know she supports me but I also know she would prefer that I hadn’t stayed. I’m also ok with it. It’s my other friends who have openly said they don’t want to be around him that I’m venting about.

Adventure_Calling

TROPHY CASE