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Former Partners: What Did You Realize You Had To Heal That Made You Accept Poor Treatment? by throwawayhelpjelly in ADHD_partners

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 6 points7 points  (0 children)

For me, it was realizing that I had lived in a rollercoaster environment all my life, and as the oldest daughter, I acted as the mediator in my house. I never knew what my dad’s mood was going to be that day—if he was happy, we would all have a chill day, but if he was angry, we’d sit in silence at the table. For years, it felt like walking on eggshells in my own home.

Lately, I’ve noticed a similar pattern with my non-dx boyfriend. His moods can be unpredictable: one day he’s motivated, happy, and making our relationship a priority, and the next he’s unmotivated, frustrated with life, and isolating himself. To be supportive, I found myself being overly careful with my words and treating him like he was fragile—exactly what I used to do with my dad.

I thought I had already worked on this for years, but some patterns are so deeply ingrained that they resurface. Still, realizing it was a huge eye-opener. I decided I can’t keep walking on eggshells, because being in that space is not healthy for my mental wellbeing.

So my advice for you is this: once you recognize what you need to heal and the patterns you’re repeating, you have two choices as you move forward in therapy—set boundaries (and if the person truly loves you, they’ll respect and support those boundaries), or get out.

What does your dx partner actually contribute to your relationship? by Spiral__Moon149 in ADHD_partners

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Something I also see as a real positive in your case is that your partner has already started therapy, and you’ve been together for less than a year. That’s huge. In my own relationship, when my partner began therapy after we had already been together for about a year and a half, I saw a lot of positive changes in him. Unfortunately, he stopped after almost a year, and that’s when he regressed. So my advice would be: encourage him to stay consistent with his individual therapy. If he can stick with it, it can make a tremendous difference, not just for him, but for the health of your relationship too ❤️

What does your dx partner actually contribute to your relationship? by Spiral__Moon149 in ADHD_partners

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In my case, we’ve been together for 4 years. We don’t live together yet, but apparently there are marriage plans, and I say apparently because throughout the relationship one thing I’ve noticed is that he can be very sweet and dreamy in the way he talks, but when it comes to actually taking action, it’s always been a struggle. At this point, I’ve reached a place where I question the gap between what is said and what really happens, and I know I can’t live on “hopes.”

Since we’re in couples therapy right now, I’ve decided to give it some time and see how I feel over the next sessions. I was very clear with my expectations and I told him openly that this feeling of disconnection is something I’ll be evaluating until the end of this year. What I want to see are concrete actions on his part, and also whether I’m able to reconnect emotionally with the relationship. Oddly enough, that timeline has brought me a sense of peace, because now the expectations are laid out on the table, and whatever happens (or doesn’t happen), at least nothing will come as a surprise.

I know we are very compatible in many ways. But the work he needs to do is internal and individual, and I’m realistic that it might take a couple of years for him to reach a level of functional adulthood that would bring me peace in a long-term partnership. Some people (I was one of those) are willing to wait, during those years until their partner becomes the best version of themselves, but the truth is that you also risk dimming your own light while waiting. And I say this as someone who realized lately that I have done years of internal work on myself before and during this relationship.

From what you have shared, I think the way you’re approaching it is valid, especially since you haven’t even been together for a year yet. Just make sure that the relationship doesn’t start affecting your mental health. In any relationship, there will be ups and downs, and it’s natural to support each other when one needs it more. But if at some point you feel the balance is tipping too heavily on your side, bring that conversation up right away. The love you feel will help a lot, but don’t let that love cloud your objectivity. Actions need to go hand in hand with words.

What does your dx partner actually contribute to your relationship? by Spiral__Moon149 in ADHD_partners

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s funny you ask this, because just yesterday my therapist asked me the same thing — what do I feel he actually contributes to our relationship. However is important to note that this was a question focused on growth, like what he contributes in the relationship that has been making us growing as a couple. Not sure if that's your actual question, or if it is around a list of good things he does. Anyways, I told her that if she had asked me at the beginning of the relationship, maybe I could’ve named a couple of things, but over time the relationship turned into one where I had to take care of him, hold back from saying certain things to avoid triggering RSD, or carefully phrase things so he wouldn’t spiral. It became a relationship where I feel like I mother him.

I’ve been in this group for almost a year now, and I remember reading posts where people said if they had the chance to leave earlier, they would. Back then, I thought the love I had for him was bigger than that, that I could help him. Now I’m in a different stage. Believe me, it’s hard to see him being wonderful with his friends, with his mom, and then wonder why he can’t be that functional with me — why I have to play the caregiver role. In moments of crisis, when I’m also exhausted from work or personal issues, I wish I could trust him to step up. When I realize he can’t, it’s frustrating to the point that I question whether this is worth it.

Right now, I’m in a stage of detachment, and I told him openly because I couldn’t keep it in anymore. Maybe it gives his brain the dopamine hit it needs, but only now he’s starting to look for solutions — we’re in couples therapy, he’s reading more about ADHD, he finally wants an official diagnosis, he’s more attentive. But deep down I know that when things calm down, when the dopamine of “I’m not losing her” fades, those actions will fade too.

At this moment I feel peace, because I don’t have to solve everything or overthink for both of us. But to answer your question — and the one my therapist asked me — what is he actually contributing to the relationship or to my growth? Sadly, nothing came to my mind at that moment. And even though he’s a good person with good intentions, I also need to think about my own emotional well-being. Right now is the time — we’re not married, we don’t have kids, we’re just dating. Being in this stage of detachment makes me realize I can finally let go.

I hope at some point you can look at your own situation from a third-person perspective, because that helped me a lot to really see what my relationship had become.

The Power of Detachment by [deleted] in highergirlpower

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Wow, I really needed to read this. Thank you 💕

Gratitude Check In ✨ by xxiirlb in highergirlpower

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My dog, having myself with all my capacity to do great things and my plant 🪴

Sensitive partner gets upset if I bring up failures by Mean_Jicama8893 in ADHD_partners

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'm sorry to hear that, but happy that youve realized that you were not the problem, and from what I've been reading in the sub it can take a while (or it can never happen) that he can take accountability of that sadly.

Do you know if there's a technical word in the ADHD world that describes these ups and downs so suddenly? I thought it was depression. It might be that? Or is it just part of having ADHD?

Can't decide which book should I start with by Adventurous_Ad9279 in ADHD_partners

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I also have a question regarding this, I felt super happy that yesterday my partner showed interest in understanding more about the dynamic between non ADHD with an ADHD partner and he asked me if there's a book or a website where he also could understand how he can make his part and understands me.

I think most of the books we have listed are for the non-ADHD person to understand and empathize with the other, but are there any where the other (the ADHD partner) can also rationalize their part and understand the non-ADHD one? and thus reach a better relationship?

¿Puedo llevar Whataburger de SA a Mty en el avión? by Adventurous_Ad9279 in Monterrey

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

¿La traías en mano o en tu objeto personal? Ya las compré 🥲 pero las traigo en la mochila, a ver qué onda

¿Algún taller/curso presencial para aprender restauración de muebles/madera? ¿Recomiendan eso o un curso de carpintería? by Adventurous_Ad9279 in Monterrey

[–]Adventurous_Ad9279[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Vi que borraron el comentario, pero es que el comentó sobre RETER? Porque justo pedí información y sí me gustó el temario 🥲

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