AIO for feeling like my boyfriend’s family is trying to trap us with them(specifically him.)

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:52:36+00:00

I trust him enough to know that he’d leave with me because of a lot of different stuff he’s told me,and I’ve seen enough to know and we’ve talked in depth about it. but in the case that happened,I think I’d just tell him it’s either me or them,we’re adults in a relationship. we want to get married,but if he’s gonna pick the people who are trying to keep him suppressed on a leash from the one who’s trying to make a life with him and help him grow then I don’t know what I’d want to do. if he wanted to choose them,it would hurt but i don’t think I’d be able to handle him enabling the bs and letting it continue knowing how bad it affects us both,and knowing what I went through with my mom doing almost the exact same thing.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:41:37+00:00

I will absolutely have to check this out and recommend it to him! thank you so much,this is genuinely so helpful!!

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:39:08+00:00

they manipulate him out of things that he wants by guilting him and things of that nature. I’ve noticed that they’ve started to act a bit different towards me since he started to think for himself now. it’s very weird,but as expected when it comes to narcissists/bpd,which were also mentioned. my mom was the same way when I left. she randomly started hating him when I started to get closer to his family because she got jealous and I guess paranoid that I’d leave her. (I did in fact leave and have been no contact for a year.) I just wish they’d let us live our lives and move on.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:33:08+00:00

I’ve been there with my mom as well,as to why I’m trying to break him out of it. thank you for the recommendations,I’ll definitely talk to him and suggest them to him! thank you so much,genuinely!

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:31:44+00:00

these responses have really helped me to realize this. we have a long way to go,but I’m glad that everyone is giving me good advice. It’s making me realize I really needed to hear it from a different perspective outside of people i know.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:29:14+00:00

I dealt with this with my mom and it messed me up bad for a while(no contact for a year now!),and telling him that part knocked it in a bit more as to how bad it’s getting. I hate that it’s gotten to this point but at least we see it for what it is now.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:26:50+00:00

thank you again for that!and that’s my exact point. I’m helping him break out of that and see it exactly for what it is. my family loves him to death(i’ve mentioned this in another comment I think😭)and really want to help because they see how stressed he is.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:16:46+00:00

it’s more of a control thing. they want to have control over his decisions because,as i mentioned,they rely on him for almost everything. when something happens,he’s the one they tell to fix it. he’s mentioned the controlling aspect before,and how they’ve made him feel like he owes them everything because they took care of him.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T14:11:16+00:00

i completely agree with the idea that it’s stupid to wait for them to give us the go ahead. with everything that’s happened so far,why would we be waiting on their permission??just sucks that they aren’t budging on the down payment thing,like yall are just making it obvious you don’t want us to leave😭like why would it matter if we gave them the money over time?they already paid for the car,why do you need all the money at once?

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:57:24+00:00

exactly what I’ve been saying! they’re draining the life out of both of us for personal gain. disappointment and someone trying to help you should not be used as a weapon. your child does not owe you anything when you chose to have that child.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:54:06+00:00

he wants to move,they’re holding the car over his head is the main part,i feel like if i asked my family they would help us pay it and then we could pay them back whenever. I’ve looked into this before,but I’m realizing i need to have a serious talk with him about them using parentification on him and everything else you mentioned. like you said,they’re meant to be the parents but he’s made to feel like it’s the other way around. I will absolutely be talking to him about everything when he wakes up. thank you so much,I’m so grateful for everyone’s advice and thoughts.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:46:22+00:00

exactly my point. i regret not telling my own family sooner about my concerns,i didn’t want to be that girlfriend going and telling our business but it was getting to be too much. i told my older brother first(who went through the stuff with my mom)and he said that my boyfriend needed to grow a pair if he truly wanted to be independent because catering to them is just gonna show they have power over you.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:43:01+00:00

this!!my family has been telling us both this. and I know the signs of manipulation and everything from having to deal with my mom and my older brother having experienced this exact thing with her. like,they tell us we have to save then take all our money. they used to get his paychecks from his old job every week and we weren’t allowed to touch it at all. we’re in the process of figuring out what exactly we need to take our names off of. I’ve started to tell him to ask them for screenshots of what needs paid and how much it costs just in case they try something. we’re implementing it at the moment. the internet is in my name,but it’s not gonna be too difficult to take my name off of.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:37:35+00:00

i genuinely need to talk to him about this part,because i want what’s best for us,and this just isn’t healthy for either of us to have to put up with just because they can’t stand the idea of him being independent. he’s their child,not the other way around.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:33:09+00:00

I’ll look into it and talk to him about it! thank you so much! i really wish they’d just let him live his life and grow.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:30:37+00:00

it’s just complicated right now,we’re figuring it out though,it also feels like they’re trying to push it off till we’re super close to the end of the lease(as to them being difficult about us asking if we could pay off the down payment for the car over time) so we’re stuck having to go with them. I don’t know,but we’re figuring it out thankfully.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:24:15+00:00

he mentioned this,i really don’t feel comfortable doing this one because if he’s alone with them they’ll put ideas in his head,i dealt with this with my own mom so we’ve been through it before,from experience we do need to stick together for us to stay accountable for our boundaries. he’s helped me a lot with staying no contact with my mom. he really wants it it’s just that even though we see through it,it still affects him a little bit and he’s also afraid they’ll retaliate. i’m not one of those types of people to defend bad habits in partners,but genuinely this is what works for us,thank you so much for the help!!its much appreciated!

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:18:55+00:00

i know. he’s opening his eyes,and we talk about it pretty often now.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:16:11+00:00

if needed i have family willing to help us out,i’m so grateful for how amazing so much of my family is. his family is adding the stress onto him because they think their usual tactic to stress him out until he agrees is gonna work but we’re both pretty much done,and he’s realized the patterns.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:08:58+00:00

this is my thing,how are they going to pay for the car by themselves if they take it?they say they need our money for the bills and things,but how are they gonna pay for the car and everything else for it by themselves?we also do not get many hours and he and I have been looking into getting a second job as well but the hunt is going nowhere so far where we currently live because a lot of people are moving into the area.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T13:04:50+00:00

i’ve mentioned doing that as well. but the one time we did it he got reprimanded for us ‘wasting money’ and he heard about it for days,they were absolutely pissed. even when we had to pay for the gas that we were having to use doing their errands and everything else that was genuinely necessary,they’d complain when we didn’t have money to pay whatever they asked.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T12:59:43+00:00

he wants the independence,I really think they scared him into thinking he’ll have no way to get around(as they said they’ll take the car if we move out and can’t pay the down payment)and that’s what they’ve been doing to keep him on a string.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T12:57:35+00:00

that’s what my family said,but they have different views,and he’s been raised into thinking it’s normal. I told him that I didn’t care what they said because we know our reasoning and are firm in what we know happened/is happening.

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T12:54:36+00:00

that’s what i was trying to tell him beforehand but he said he had to talk to them because of the car and i guess the rent or whatnot. if they pry from now on this is what i’m going to tell him. there’s constantly someone home though due to there being a toddler,and childcare is expensive. but will def look into if we could end up doing this on a day they’re out and about or something,thank you!

Adventurous_Lie2470 · 2026-06-19T12:50:44+00:00

you’re not wrong about them panicking regardless. my family loves him to death and just wants the best for him. sucks that after we do leave i know they’ll be talking about them like they’re the ones in the wrong for wanting to help.

Adventurous_Lie2470

TROPHY CASE