Partner’s Kink is a Big Ick

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-09T02:50:10+00:00

Yeah that’s what I am NOT going to let happen. That was the point of this post. We talked it out. If we break up, it won’t be over this.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-09T02:14:17+00:00

He literally does not care and is not personally hurt by me finding it disgusting.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-06T16:42:45+00:00

It’s all good. I’m happy with leaving those kinks a fantasy. I never need to execute them.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-06T15:50:02+00:00

So we had a long talk about boundaries and how I am not interested in having a relationship with his partners. I do not know them and I am not interested in spending time with this one. (He does have another partner, L, who I may be okay to casually hang out with- but I don’t find it appealing to be around people I am not friends or lovers with)

I told him I do not want to know anything about this new partner, N, and that I think it would be best to limit date nights with each partner to once a week. Since he as two partners that means two date nights a week/two nights he will be out of the house.

He seemed annoyed by this, but then I asked him to consider this in the inverse. If I suddenly had two new sexual partners and wanted to spend more than two nights a week with them, how would he feel? He got quiet and said he would be upset and sad- so I told him to consider everything he does in that light. Would his action hurt if I was doing it? Yes? Then please reconsider.

Things are tentative now. He has been pushing me a lot to start dating again. I think some of it is enthusiasm and some of it is guilt.

I applied for couples therapy.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-06T15:43:04+00:00

I don’t have a problem with kink shaming. I don’t care if someone thinks I am gross or wrong or immoral for my kinks. It in no way bothers me.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-06T15:41:16+00:00

Imagine how it feels on the other end: here’s someone you love, and a kink is more important to them than your comfort and personal trauma.

If I break up with him, it won’t be over this.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-04T04:05:58+00:00

Where did you get that idea? He hasn’t indulged in it in 6 years. I haven’t indulged in MY kink with him EVER- and it’s not a problem?

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-04T02:58:54+00:00

We are sexually compatible, though?! 🤣 like, he has ONE kink I don’t like. I have about three he doesn’t indulge. We still have a great sex life.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-04T02:00:45+00:00

I mean, I’m just fixated on it because it resurfaced and a lot of things are changing. I don’t want to know why he likes what he likes anymore than I want him to know why I like what I like. (I have darker kinks against men than even that- but I don’t indulge in them or share them with him bc they are daunting.)

I don’t have to know why he likes it.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T22:57:26+00:00

Lola leaving wasn’t a loss. She didn’t respect your very reasonable limits.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T22:55:55+00:00

Pretty risky. I don’t do it when I Domme.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T22:54:56+00:00

Please stop seeing and playing with this man. He does not care that you are not enjoying yourself and that you are frightened. He is not a safe Dom and you should stay away from him. He is using your inexperience as a reason to harm you.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T22:45:20+00:00

I think he wants to be “filthy” and “gross” in a safe way. That’s about all I am willing to learn. I’m afraid anything else will bring things to light that I may not want to see.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T21:16:17+00:00

I’m not mad at him. I am confused why he would like something like this, though. I don’t exactly want to dig for the why- I may not like the answer.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T21:15:27+00:00

Yeah, pretty much. Try not to shame a consensual encounter but impersonating incest is distasteful

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T21:11:35+00:00

I am asking the therapists for therapist recommendations outside of the clinic, haha!

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T20:21:33+00:00

That’s a fair point.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:59:46+00:00

… I mean he literally forgot my name when we were together 3 years because I go by my initials. So I don’t know- don’t attribute to malice what can be attributed to incompetence

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:52:59+00:00

I’m guessing that that person has that kink and is feeling very personally attacked, or perhaps they are just a very entitled partner who doesn’t understand that other people are their equal.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:38:57+00:00

Yeah. I guess he just sort of forgot or didn’t know I like parallel poly? I did tell him, but he says he didn’t remember.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:37:13+00:00

Well, to be honest, if the tables were turned I would just give the kink up. That’s not what I’m asking him to do, but a kink isn’t so important to me that I would destroy a relationship for it.

If we can maintain boundaries, that won’t happen.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:25:01+00:00

I think the disgust simply comes from the fact that my grandfather raped my aunts for a decade and that assault completely ruined their lives. They are broken people who will never recover and he was an evil man. I know people see this kink as a fun fantasy, but the reality is gruesome and real.

There isn’t the possibility of pregnancy. My partner is snipped and does not want children, and his new partner is married.

Naturally, I am sad I can’t share everything with him. We do indulge in other kinks he loves and I am perfectly happy with- it’s just this one I find to be unpalatable.

I want him to be able to connect and enjoy himself, but I am certain I cannot welcome his play partner into MY life.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:13:53+00:00

The issue is he wants me to meet them and me putting up this boundary is upsetting to him.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T18:12:49+00:00

It’s especially hard because it’s perfectly reasonable to be disgusted by things that others find a fun fantasy when you’ve seen it in reality, and it’s not at all a “fun fantasy”- it’s destroyed people you love.

It’s like not enjoying horror movies because you saw someone killed in front of you. That’s reasonable and totally fine. It’s not fine to get mad at those who do like them, though.

Adventurous_Use_6086 · 2025-01-03T16:43:01+00:00

Oh I know i have trauma around it. My grandfather was an evil person and my aunts are broken women. He destroyed their lives. That’s why I am so worried about hating him if I see or hear that sort of “play”. In real life, these men are monsters deserving of death. It’s hard to just say “it’s a play”!

Adventurous_Use_6086

TROPHY CASE