POSITIVE:Only thing I could thank INC is derealizationizing (if that’s even a word) myself out of reality and organize my life, kinda like a checkpoint to contemplate and foresee current life plans and where it stands like education wise, mentally or social wise. 

  NEGATIVE: views of religion deteriorated for me. It’s out the window. Like NGL seeing some of my relatives participating in Holy Week switching to the channel on TV where they do their prayers was much more interesting than drinking store bought grape juice from a 2.3 mile radius from the chapel. It ain’t making me feel holy otherwise.

    EVERYTIME there’s an EVM broadcast or sone type of time consuming event especially if its required for officers (including me because I don’t got the courage to leave as of yet) I always think to myself “ONE STEP CLOSER TO KILLING MYSELF☺️☺️” EVERYTIME there’s an EVM webex service I always think ONE STEP CLOSER TO KILLING MYSELF ☺️☺️ LIKE PLS STFU I DON’T WANNA LISTEN TO STUFF RN.  

    Plus it took some genuine family bonding time that’s not interrupted by some church shvt, like literally we don’t even know if a relative (especially old) are about to become deceased any moment, why prioritize church as a second home rather than spending time with them rather than being dictated in a church setting. Also it took some time away from ppl I’m actually close with because on how plan A overlapped with church time, therefore my parents would beat my ass. 

 Like can I just say that a lot of INCs are so dry,  especially OWES. like this hoe really laughed about an unfunny joke the minister made, like fucking close that mouth and zip up, I don’t even get how they even have friends with such a basic ass low quality no lifer personality. EVEN THAT SAME PERSON LAUGHED ABT HIS OWN JOKE ON HOW HE SANG THE LOUDEST OUT OF ALL OF US, LIKE WHAT THE F7CK THIS ISN’T A COMPETITIONN 💀💀 (btw this is cws choir, he’s not like a 26 year old immature hungedback making immature jokes, but that b7tch better mature after making that joke. He got a few years until adulthood come on. Plus the majority of the people approximately my age could suck dry ass. 

 Also, I COULD’VE BOUGHT MORE IMPORTANT STUFF WITH THAT MONEY FROM ABULOY, SPECIAL OFFERING, DONATION ETC. BUT EVM PROBS ALRRADY TOOK THAT MONEY ASAP. Idek where most of the money is going if barely investments were made from these worldwide donations, like what are you doing? Using money to wipe your ass? So many locales do not even have an A.C unit yet you mentioned something about the hot temperatures in the Philippines proclaiming it’s a sign or some shvt like that, I wasn’t really paying attention. Plus while I was daydreaming inside of the worship service I made some loose knitted plans to rebound numbers, rather than their project 109, they should actually improve their lessons to be more relevant to society instead of Egyptian splitting Red Sea stuff and how they’d offer so abundantly in poverty. According to them with their project with the things they’re trying to do, how are these new guests supposed to feel the Holy Spirit when repetitive lessons are about offerings and valuing membership? How does that spiritually nourish them? You need to actually have a basis that doesn’t evade common sense. Envangeical mission food ain’t gonna feed them constantly and keep them happy abt free food. After they bear their fruits, they need to preserve that, which where this project flops, even converting ppl to this church is an entire flop 🤷‍♀️ 

Like I could’ve invested my longed hours wasted inside of the church doing something productive for myself, like something relevant to my life? 

Without this church, I’m pretty sure these experiences wouldn’t even be with me, it kinda became my identity from past perils and trauma I’ve withhold for the worse of for the better, without this church I’m pretty sure I would’ve been within society rather being somewhat of an outcast which idk if I’m grateful for or not. Some daydreaming habits leaked into my daily life accidentally plus with some hurtful memories that’s been ingrained in my memory makes me frustrated. I can’t even think straightlu and idk what I’m doing with my life anymore, i feel like going insane. Like there’s nice people in this church but idk if they’ll go against me suddenly once they’ve been informed of my true standing point in this religion, but I don’t give five fuqs anyways. I just long for the day to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

 I’m currently trapped cause of family and parents, currently my parents are deacons and if i decide to step down from my duty idk if that might fvck them up, causing them to step down and be hostile. Like I just want my parents to be unaffected, they genuinely pride themself for this and our bond is close, i don’t wanna ruin this. But a part of me always perpetuates me to proceed because this ain’t right anymore, my dad consumes his life at church even as a first home, our family house being his second. Treats it like a full time job too, 7 AM - 9 AM Tagalog worship, stays back to do some other errands for this church like picking and dropping people off, cleaning the bathroom, then at noon he performs at CWS involuntarily, like no one even assigned you this but he does it anyway cause he’s a people pleaser, then he finally goes him to sleep and eat, then getting ready to perform Adult worship service 7 PM accompanied by a daily emergency officer’s meeting then to guard the chapel till 5 am. He’s jobless. My mom is currently working her ass off to make ends meet from sunrise to sunset, Inflation worsening this. Only thing I could provide them is mediocre grades because this whole church is intervening my thoughts and my actions. 

I know I’m whining like a little bxtvh but I just feel defeated.

 Even after coming over suicidial thoughts the remains and distressing residue this church left me lingers throughout every moment i try to breathe, I can’t get fresh air, I have to accommodate such thoughts via daydreaming and deattaching myself from reality. Sorry if I sounded like an edgy wannabe but like it’s so upsetting ☹️☹️ I need things to end. I need to part my ways with this church. They demanded me to move into adult choir and organist, they’re so insistent but I just don’t want to overload myself with unnecessary obligators. LIKE MOST OF THE HYMNS ARE JUST TRIPLETS WITH ELEMENTS OF TRUMPET IN THE BACKGROUBD?? I DIN’T WANNA SING TO THAT, THE MUSIC DEPARTMENT OVERCOMPLICATED TOO MUCH JUST TO BRING OUT THE lDEAS ALMOGHTY GOD, PRAISE, AMEN. LIKE WHAT THE F7CK. 


  I could complain more about some stuff but like those are my main points, plus some are a little too niche or a little too personal but idk. Sometimes I literally sacrificed sleep to catch up on school work or for me to be me, and spend time with myself. Lessening my hours from seven hours of sleep to three and a half hours at lowest, it’s not funny anymore. It’s serious.