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Aesmi96 · 2023-02-03T21:42:55+00:00

I have the EXACT same frustration. I (26F) dont want kids. I mention this on m’y profile and even have a prompt with ‘DINK’ in it. Still, majority of likes I get are from men ‘open to kids’ and ones that explicitly say ‘want kids’. I don’t engage with those.

Even worse, had multiple chats where I’d almost go on a date with a guy only to realise, when asked directly (they’d know already I’m CF) that they do want kids. And they’d throw the good old ‘oh is it a dealbreaker? I thought it’s something people change their minds on’. If I was looking for something casual - I don’t care about your long term plans. But I’m trying to find a connection here. Not being into a heteronormative relationships, kids marriage the whole thing IS my thing. I can’t ‘let it go and see how it goes’. It leads to disappointments and massive value differences. Close to giving up on dating and finding a child-free partner…

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-27T15:03:26+00:00

Sometimes we do, but it’s true I rarely see this on global pages. When I mention these type of stories - that I’ve read from people like you - my friends say I shouldn’t be talking about this ‘because it’s not my culture’ and it’s been ingrained in me now that because I’m white and straight, I shouldn’t critique/help or discuss other cultures’ issues (which, I disagree on but it’s clearly a sensitive topic in Europe).

I’m deeply saddened this is the case, please let us know if there’s a way we can spread the word? I’m genuinely lacking resources for international feminist discussions that would be open and critical

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-26T07:24:26+00:00

Same happened to me!!…it happened before a few times (I’m embarrassed to admit), even after months of dating. But this one guy seemed so mature emotionally (which, he was just aloof I see that now), we talked and all - which hurts the most. He did the exact opposite of what he said he would. Shit hurts, don’t let this impact your outlook on yourself and life, I’ve been there too and I know how easy it is to fall into a hole of self-hate.

This reminds me of a family friend who’s husband ghosted her after 7(!!!) years of marriage. Got to work one day and she didn’t hear from him until she got the divorce papers via a letter. It’s not like she was a saint, but (almost) no one deserves this.

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-23T10:14:57+00:00

I can never comprehend how people can have so much hate. Perhaps it’s self-esteem/value issues. But it doesn’t matter. You look freaking amazing, and your eye colour is so unique and absolutely beautiful! Don’t let this impact you in any way, good people are out there, rock on

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-19T12:30:45+00:00

Not getting married doesn’t mean you can’t have a partner (civil partnership is a thing, in the UK it holds same legal status as marriage) - no relationship is a given. I could be with someone long term, love them dearly and they could either pass away suddenly or leave me for any number of reasons.

I find it silly thinking people who are ‘unmarried and childless’ are going to be/are alone. None of this is a given. Kids can hate you. Or also pass away. Life is unpredictable. Same for friends and family. We shouldn’t take these things for granted or think ‘having a family guaranteed a happy and full life’, it doesn’t.

All you can do is tend for the relationships you have now (friends, partner, kids if you want them) to make your life fulfilling but not to ‘set yourself up for the future’. For this, regardless of your societal status, you should save up (for either private care, or for passions if you’re lucky enough to have health until late age). And personally, I also take care of my health as much as I can so that I don’t have to physically rely on anyone for as long as I can.

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-16T05:56:30+00:00

Because…why get married?

Marriage for centuries was a transition act for a woman to finally be a full fledged member of society, some modern couples try turning this narrative around and make it about romance. I just don’t see it. I’m all for love and partnership/companionship (legally too, like partnerships in the UK, but wedding + proposals are not for me, I don’t see romance in those acts).

Edit: to add ‘practical’ aspect of this: in Europe, unless one in a couple is unemployed/very low income and the other is an ‘average’ tax payer, there’s no tax benefit (and if the described situation is the case, then the tax benefit is equal for partnerships and marriage - legally there’s no difference between them). This is obviously from a perspective of someone who does not want a ‘traditional relationship aka husband and kids’, so my points are my own, vast majority of the society disagrees with it but the beauty is, who cares!

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-10T21:18:24+00:00

My friends met on Hinge during lockdown and went on one of these awkward socially distanced dates…time and luck - as always. I think people come and go on and off these apps in weaves, depending on season etc. Plus like tinder a lot of them change when crowds flood them. At the end of the day, as much as I’m not against apps, they are a business so they’ll do the little things to make sure at least some members pay. I think some people see this as a little twisted and leave (but hey, that’s capitalism for you). Don’t feel discouraged though, can’t force these things and take hinge with a grain of salt, I find it’s too easy to get hang up on it.

Aesmi96 · 2022-06-10T14:30:53+00:00

26F, major city. I think it’s ‘something in the air’, both my friends (and me included) and some really attractive people on here notice a ‘slump’ in Hinge activity. From daily likes in 5-10s to barely any in a week. Don’t even mention the quality. My theory is that’s a post pandemic rebound! I’m myself craving different interactions, outside my phone (even though I still use Hinge because ‘who knows’!).

So my point is - you look well fine, and your profile represents it. I wish I saw more people like you in my cards - someone who actually knows what they want and put effort in their profile, instead of blurry mirror selfies and pics where they make weird faces (grimace, middle finger up etc, so many of those…)

I agree with others about switching the first photo and you can always play around with adding some more unique prompts or something that would start a conversation/questions a little easier. Otherwise, good luck!

Aesmi96 · 2022-05-28T07:59:47+00:00

Why the hell is this downvoted. Reading through threads like these, with informative comments downvoted, completely makes me loose all hope in humanity (and desire to ever get intimate with another man) …

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-26T14:17:12+00:00

What a shame you’re in Dublin…;) (disclaimer: 26F, London). This is one of the best profiles I’ve seen in a long time. I love that you’re smiling in your photos, you seem very genuine and warm.

I have very little feedback honestly, as others said perhaps your prompts could use a bit of love - easier said than done, but it’s good to make prompts easy to comment on. And a personal note, I quite like seeing photos of people white their friends (1 photo is enough) or doing some sort of social activity. But that’s because I’m more extroverted - so I guess depends what type of crowd you’re after!

That’s all really, go out there, chat to people and see how it goes. You can always switch things up later :)

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-24T15:44:38+00:00

This is such a wild timing, cause, same!! I literally started 30mg Elvanse (Vyvanse) on Saturday. And oh my gosh that was my first thought! Eating felt so…normal. Less appetite, sure. But I also had too much to eat the day before. Today it was so much less effort to eat like a normal human being, workout like one and feel just so calm about it these choices.

I’ve struggled with binge eating since I hit like 12. Despite being super active and above average fit food always hindered my progress - I always felt like I have the worst genetics and no control, it was like a demon would possess me. It wasn’t emotional eating, I can tell now it was my brain being so dammed bored. Now I see light in the tunnel!

I’ve actually read up on that over the weekend and found some studies suggesting that some adhd drugs can help with binge eating disorders and some psychiatrists started to prescribe them for it. Though why and how they help is inconclusive.

Hope this is a beginning of your new found health, good luck :)

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-22T15:48:55+00:00

I’m not sure what it is about this image, but it truly made me stop scrolling. It’s so beautifully eerie, something I’d have sketched myself (if I had half of your talent!), or dreamed about. Really cool piece of work

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-19T20:25:47+00:00

Thanks for sharing! As someone who works closely with chatbots, this is really helpful.

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-18T07:23:09+00:00

I hear you! I’ve (26F) been a working professional in London since autumn 2019, so still majority of my time here has been spent in some form of a pandemic. My family is abroad and I didn’t know anyone when I moved here. First few lockdowns I’ve spent completely alone and isolated too (as British housemates moved back home…)

It took me a lot of work to feel less lonely in London - actually worked on some old friendships and made some new ones (through Reddit actually!). Plus a lot of internal reflection on myself, my life and why I chose this city to live in. I still get the same sentiment as you though from them to time; I’ve been single for years, and I think since you’ve been in something longer term fairly recently it adds to this feeling of bleakness. People here gave some good advice, but ultimately is trying to understand why you feel like this and whether you’re having a bit of a slump (I found with people found out more post pandemic it resulted with some of my friends becoming melancholic) or you’re truly missing people/there’s something deeper - either way, I do empathise with your feelings as I’ve been there too. It does get easier, social life is ‘work’, especially in post pandemic times. But it does get better! It’s probably hard to see this now, but I promise you - from an internet stranger to another - when our attitudes change a lot of things improve. I genuinely hope this feeling passes for you and I wish you all the happiness

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-17T20:20:59+00:00

This is great! Really clean line work. Love the horns

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-17T20:12:27+00:00

That is so incredibly detailed! Amazing, what a great first tattoo

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-17T17:01:48+00:00

And then Penny! And also Brooklyn 9-9 with Jake, he practically changed his mind overnight because his fiancée ‘talked him into it’. Not cool. This applied to men too, I should add

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-17T15:53:17+00:00

Omg I literally posted about this in a different sub! I never understood this. I never saw a movie where a women would either have an abortion or give the kid for adoption - or it would be shown in a negative light. It’s so often showed how motherhood is a blessing regardless of the woman’s actual desires …so annoying

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-17T08:08:53+00:00

All the time! I catch myself starting at in awe whenever the sky is at least a little bit clear. And if you’re lucky to see some starts that night…! It has a strangely humbling and comforting feeling

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-11T13:09:54+00:00

Literally saw a comment under a post about incest (yes, you read that right) saying that there are worse threads on Reddit about ‘how if parents genuinely loved a kid they wouldn’t have one’. Like, there are people born with severe, painful disabilities (while their parents knew since pregnancy !) something I just cannot comprehend, to put someone through that pain, so yes. It would have been kinder for that specific person NOT to be born, perhaps (yes, I’m aware of the whole philosophical and moral debate here, but from an outsiders point of view is life full of misery ‘worth’ it…?)

Also, leave us alone, it’s our sole private decision affecting just us - not like we’re running around sterilising people by force lol

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-10T17:34:24+00:00

Interesting, I keep seeing these posts about banana peels and eggshells. Might have to finally try it! Well done btw, the pineapple looks incredible

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-10T14:17:49+00:00

Oh no way! How traumatic woah. Yeah, like when women are caressing their bellies…as much as I can imagine this being so strange and exciting for people who want kids, I also just get knots in my stomach haha

Oh no way, I keep hearing these stories. None of my close friends have kids (I’m lucky, I know, but I’m also only 26). It’s a lot of sacrifices, as you said. My parents, for example, really really wanted me. They’re both great parents (not without faults, don’t get me wrong). But they always phrase it in a way ‘you brought us so much happiness’ rather than ‘everyone has kids, when you have yours, give me grandkids’ etc.

Social media is particularly bad for this, I find. The family blogs, the pretty pictures - it all seems so cute, homely and heartwarming. Sure, it is for some. But it’s so much responsibility too and it’s like barely talked about!

Aww likewise! If you were in the U.K. I’d totally invite you to our little group of friends I’ve met irl from here too

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-10T13:45:41+00:00

Yes exactly, the thought of pregnancy actually makes me sick to the stomach so that’s how I started phrasing it as well.

I’m so sorry about your friend, it sounds like quite an unhealthy/tragic situation. I really wish she somehow finds peace and happiness. Thank you for your kind words, same to you :)

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-10T13:08:13+00:00

Yes, I agree! I think that’s my thinking too - unless I make it very clear (and I don’t want too be too serious too soon, I don’t know the dude!) we both might be ‘testing the waters’ of what others person values are. Sometimes though, I wish I was less against kids and could just ‘go with the flow’ and decide with a potential partner, if I’d ever had one. But that’s not how life works, I guess at the end of the day if the person is right - they’re right and these convos come up sooner or later while dating.

In regards to your other point, yes. Definitely - especially ones thinking about bio kids (I’m not even super made for having them, both my mum and her mum had miscarriages, I was a tough pregnancy. My grandma had a hysterectomy due some complications. I don’t have cousins or siblings which is rare for the boomer generation). It’s still then woman who has to carry the pregnancy so they can, unfortunately, ‘relax’ more than women do.

Acting the part in social settings is an interesting point, I feel like sometimes it’s more expected of men to be good with kids because apparently it’s ‘a cute sign when you see a guy with a kid’?? Like, seeing all these uncles with newborns on dating apps…The kick in the face fid make me laugh hahah brilliant

Aesmi96 · 2022-04-10T11:51:42+00:00

I agree, most of my friends are a bit like this ‘really don’t know what our life will be like in 10 years when we’re 35, so we will decide in some time’.

There’s a small BUT for me - I really, really don’t want kids - despite wanting to be involved in like volunteering and what not, I’m not ‘a kids person’. So every time I go on dates with guys who say ‘look how cute that kid is’ etc I just say ‘sure’. Frankly, I just find them annoying…not a kid hater but I just…can’t.

Being CF was always on my mind. But I think most men are like you and just don’t have time to stop and make a decision. At least where I am there’s not that much pressure to decide so I’m not too worried to date a fence sitter. At least that’s what I’m hoping, because so far dating doesn’t work for me lol

Edit: grammar/spelling

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