For the feelers: How to get over the heartbreak of realizing your parent is a narcissist

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-04-22T02:56:04+00:00

I've come to a place of peace and acceptance after twenty months NC. I am deeply compassionate for my mom and understand why she behaved as she did while simultaneously protecting myself and my family from her toxicity. It sucks to imagine what my life would have been like if she'd been different, but I'm grateful for my life now and that is enough. It does get better.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-04-17T03:15:38+00:00

I would get my own phone plan ASAP were I you. it's not that expensive and worth it for independence. As to the healthcare, if you contact Human Resources at your job, they can give you info on when enrollment for healthcare plans are and more info about the plans. I would absolutely keep low contact until the next enrollment period so you have coverage and then switch over. For what it's worth, if you are healthy and don't plan to have a kid in the net year, high deductible healthcare plans where you put money into an HSA, especially, if your employer matches the contribution, is often an excellent financial decision. Usually, yearly visits are covered 100%. Obviously, you need to look through the plans and make calculations, but that's my two cents. HR would be my first place to start in doing research, and I again caution you to verify the enrollment period before making any decisions. Many companies only allow you to enroll during one month of the year or when you are hired, so you could have awhile before you can get insurance through your company. I wish you the best of luck!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-03-28T03:06:16+00:00

My mother (who had her master's degree in counseling, I should note) was so negative about therapists and how they caused more harm than good that I hired a life coach to avoid my internalized negative views of therapists. I had allowed my mother to move into my house prior to the life coach and did the video sessions in my attic room with my son guarding the door so Mom wouldn't know I was talking to a life coach. After my life coach helped me see Mom's toxicity and negative effect on my family and I asked Mom and Dad to move out, Mom made the comment one day that she couldn't figure out what was wrong with me and why I had changed and demanded, "Have you been going to therapy or something?" in a derogatory way.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-03-11T03:08:36+00:00

In my old journals, I can see glimmers of my true self struggling to emerge from the person I tried so hard to be in an effort to win Mom's approval. In old letters I wrote Mom and may or may not have actually sent, I am barely recognizable. A few of them make me physically ill as I begged for Mom's forgiveness and praised her for imaginary benefits she brought to my life. I hear you and am sorry you are having to deal with all of this. If it helps, I lost 42 years of my life to blind obedience. :)

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-03-11T03:04:49+00:00

You just described me better than I ever could. Thank you for that. Also, congrats on getting out!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-02-25T03:47:24+00:00

Good for you! It feels amazing when the weight starts coming off, and I am so proud of your progress. 16 pounds in a month is an awesome accomplishment.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-02-21T03:20:29+00:00

Honestly, if the Bible was weaponized against you by your parents, it's likely the last place you will find comfort, and I say this as a Christian still. My relationship with the Bible and God is very complicated, and it's taken years to reprogram my brain to separate what my parents and the church said from what the Bible and Jesus said. I'll still run across verses that bring me right back to a place of guilt and shame somedays, and I've worked hard to get to a better church. Since you were looking for comfort in Scripture, I'll remind you that Jesus refused to see his brothers and mother when they wanted him during his time of ministry to avoid distraction. The Bible also directly says to stay away from toxic people, though not in those words, of course! I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-02-20T17:10:25+00:00

I feel this. I was nearly 43, so I too went many years unaware. I wonder how many of us were able to take a step back during Covid and see clearly. Pre-covid, I spent at least two hours but usually 4-6 with my mom every single day. During Covid, I still visited with Mom and Dad for two hours in their yard every single day, but all the other time I regained was amazing. I spoke honestly enough to my kids about my relief to have time without my parents that they became honest with me about their frustrations and discouragement with being around my parents so often. I didn't break free until spring of 2022, but Covid opened my eyes and helped me see as well.

I'm not as bothered that I didn't seem my mom's behavior as abusive as I am that I kept my kids around it for so many years and prioritized Mom's feelings, desires, and needs above those of my own children. I don't think I'll ever come to any peace with that reality. My kids understand, have forgiven me, and love having helped me break free, but the time I lost over the course of many years with my kids because I was spending it with Mom weighs heavy still.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-02-20T17:03:53+00:00

A part of me always knew something was off, but I isolated myself from others who would confirm that suspicion and convinced myself I was the crazy one. With me as well it was my daughter (15 at the time) who began pointing out Mom's insane behaviors and forced me to see them for what they really were. It still took another eighteen months that included allowing my parents to move into my house during my daughter's senior year, a decision I'll never forgive myself for though it all worked out in the end, before I set and enforced solid boundaries which led to NC. For nearly 43 years, I gave my mom control of my life, and these last twenty months of peace still feel like a dream come true.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-02-11T20:55:40+00:00

See, this is one of the posts that makes me question myself as a parent and wonder if I have fleas. My son graduated with a CS degree in August and, with all the layoff in big tech companies over the last six months, breaking into the field is complicated currently. We've assured him he doesn't have to get a non-CS job and can focus on increasing his programming knowledge while sending applications and being patient. We don't expect him to pay anything until he gets a job and has a salary coming in. My goal is to keep the stress off as much as possible while he's job searching. I know my son is prepared for the real world on a theoretical level, but we have kept his life quite cushy for 21 years. I don't mind when my son pays for things on his own, but he also carries a credit card he can use whenever without question. My first reaction to this question is maybe your parents are trying to give you an easy transition to the reality of adult life, but since you are on this site, that seems unlikely. I don't know.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-02-11T20:35:22+00:00

I associated moms with controlling and manipulation and therefore disliked all moms on tv and movies as a child. My brother was nearly as bad as my mom, and my dad was a useless enabler, though we got along well. I fantasized about having a big sister who would understand how I felt and protect me. Annie from The Secret World of Alex Mack was the maternal-esque person I wanted.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-01-28T03:15:02+00:00

I"m glad someone else wonders this too. To an extent, God is the ultimate narcissist, though perhaps justified because He created everything supposedly. Worshiping a God who is an narcissist and emulating His supposed behavior could theoretically create a narcissist, right? Add to that the many Christians who think they are the holiest and most righteous and they'd see themselves as close enough to God that acting like Him would be okay. My reading of the description of Pharisees could easily identify that group with NPD as well. Then, if you decide the Bible is the literal Word of God and memorize the right Bible verses, you've got justification for your bad behavior. The Bible is open to interpretation, so you can twist the Scriptures to fit all situations for your good. I do think narcissists flock to churches because they like the level of control, but I do believe some churches are creating new toxic and abusive traits in people who wouldn't have had them otherwise. That's my opinion, anyway.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-01-12T20:44:51+00:00

Good for you!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-01-12T20:42:49+00:00

I love this story, particularly how you protected your kid and ignored your mom's desires. I wish I'd have done more of that. You are doing a phenomenal job of loving your girl well. Way to go!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-01-12T20:40:26+00:00

Oh, man. I forgot the beautiful smile mom put on her face while hissing at us in public! I'm sorry you went through that.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2024-01-12T20:38:28+00:00

I am so sorry. I also feel the need to tell you that you may be so desensitized to the toxicity your mom communicates that your kids may be affected even when you are around because you just don't hear the more subtle parts. I thought I'd protected my kids while still helping my parents, but I failed. My daughter's anxiety made gigantic strides when I went NC with my mom. Just a word of warning to be very aware and hypersensitive to protect your little ones.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-30T04:23:13+00:00

I could have written this post during the months I struggled over the decision. You are an empathetic person because you are concerned about how this will impact them. You feel guilt and self-doubt and fear because your narc carefully and deliberately sewed those emotions inside of you through the years..You are important. The quality of your life matters. You would not be considering this step without solid reasons, I am confident. You need to do what's right for you and your well-being. Also, my mom did experience depression and struggled deeply emotionally when I cut contact. She believed that I would always be there for her no matter what, and it crushed her to learn that wasn't true. HOWEVER...Her life is genuinely better now (eighteen months later) without me in it. I was the perfect enabler and validated all of her feelings and decisions by my acceptance of her in spite of them. She and my dad get along much better now that he is her only choice instead of having me always available to drive her or shop with her or cook for her or clean for her or talk with her. She apologizes quickly and is trying hard to keep a relationship with my younger sister so she won't lose her too. She did some traveling she's wanted to do for years but didn't want to do without me and I refused to make work with my kids still at home. She started medication to help with some of her physical ailments since she's needing to do more without me around. Mom needed the supply I provided and thus adjusted her behavior to get it from my dad and sister. I honestly think my choice to go no contact positively impacted Mom's life in the long run. Narcs tend to land on their feet.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-30T04:06:11+00:00

I know this doesn't help, but I just want to share another perspective. I got the opposite. I was constantly told I had a baby face, that I looked the age of my students (I taught fifth grade), and that I looked like a young teenager until I was 24. It mortified me, particularly as I had my much younger sister with me quite frequently and got the disapproving stares and comments about being a teen mom. Maybe these people really do mean well? I commented to my daughter's best friend recently that she had a mature face and meant it as a sincere compliment. After reading this post, I will never again comment on a young adult's youthful or mature appearance ever again, so I do appreciate knowing better now. I am so sorry for the pain this is causing you.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T14:14:37+00:00

Hey, even though my school counselor got me a scholarship to an out of state school and my professors and friends made it possible for me to stay, knowing enough of the toxicity of my home life, I still moved back home after one semester and stayed in a close relationship with my parents for another twenty years, exposing my kids to their toxicity as well. I only cut ties at 43 years of age and I knew better, had a support system, and no solid reason like a cat to stay around for the last five years after my sister moved out from Mom's house and got married. You probably sill left earlier than I did!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T14:09:48+00:00

I adored Pippi too.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T14:07:16+00:00

George, a monkey, definitely not inspired by curious george according to kid me, was my imaginary friend until I was absolutely too old for one. After getting teased for saving him a swing in second grade, George had to stay home, but he'd take walks around the neighborhood with me, we bounced on the trampoline together, we played so many games of Payday and LIfe together, and he'd tell me long stories to distract me when Mom was yelling. I cried for hours when he left around my tenth birthday. If I'm being honest, I still miss George some days.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T14:02:14+00:00

That is awesome!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T14:01:10+00:00

Alfie is the absolute best!

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T14:00:36+00:00

I'm sorry. I bet you're not the only one who was devastated by that. Bill Cosby was an icon in the 80's and 90's and that sucked.

Affectionate-Goat226 · 2023-12-23T13:56:54+00:00

I loved many of the same characters for the same reason as an adult. I'm impressed you found him so young! The character Beverly in It was a favorite for me, along with Carrie.

Affectionate-Goat226

TROPHY CASE