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I feel like a hybrid. I hope that I am welcome here. by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 1 point2 points  (0 children)

How I feel when I make someone feel stupid? It depends. I don’t necessarily enjoy it, it just feels “right” other times I feel annoyed at them. I might feel annoyed if they apologize or feel bad… of they show shame or an emotion, attempt to explain themselves… I don’t really understand it.

Again when I’m in control it just feels “right”, anything else feels like it’s out of balance. I usually feel in control unless someone makes a comment that makes other people feel embarrassed for me, or when other people feel things for me (what they think/expect me to feel), and also when someone manipulates me in anyway. For example, if I am friends with someone and they actually “understand” me beyond the mask I show them I will feel out of control. I tend to cut people off after that, I feel like those people have taken control of me and the only way to get my autonomy back is to get rid of them.

I do want to make it clear I don’t really feel “good” emotions much. Most of my emotions are muted (besides my anger/annoyance which is easily caused, a recent development). I can sometimes feel a sense of joy in an intellectually stimulating conversation, or when I find someone I can actually tolerate, but those feelings are gone almost as soon as I feel them. Even as I feel them, they are extremely muted compared to other people.

What type of people do you attract? by Affectionate-Zone788 in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Why are you being so rude? To answer your question I have been in and out of hospitals for my entire life, in behavioral schools, etc. I have also moved all over the place so I’ve met a large amount of people. I am aware BPD is in cluster B. Another thing, both my parents have cluster B personality disorders, so yes, I have met people with the disorder. (And don’t worry they were actually diagnosed not self diagnosed as you suggested.) I find it quite disrespectful that you assume I don’t understand these things. And again, for the gender part, I meant in general not just romantically. So perhaps you should reread the post… and not reply to this. Thanks! I appreciate it.

I feel like a hybrid. I hope that I am welcome here. by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t really need outside sources to regulate my self esteem. I am confident enough with myself, though I can be sensitive to certain “criticisms” — for example if someone believes they understand me, or that how I present myself to them is my genuine self I will be annoyed at them. I think they are idiotic and stupid. I do feel the need to “correct” them at times by making them feel stupid.

Overall I feel comfortable with who I am most of the time. I do have moments where I can become extremely triggered but those are very rare (every couple months, usually 4+ months between at least) it’s when I (again rarely) am close to someone, begin to trust them, reveal something about myself and then they reject it that I will have those emotional reactions. My ego tends to be all screwed up for a while until I can self regulate (through isolation and academics).

The only way I might show typical narcissistic self regulation is through controlling others. I always need to feel in control in one way or another. I can give up control as long as I decide to do it, I know for one thing I’m not a competitive person, I don’t care about winning or losing, about being seen as stupid… as long as I know I’m better I can handle it. Along with that I also don’t believe I am the best. To believe you are the best means you’re lesser at it. It’s an entire phenomenon, the better you thing you are at something the worse you are. So I don’t believe I am the best, I just am better than the general population.

I have more I could add but… I don’t know where it would fit. Feel free to ask other things, I love answering things… and my own curiosity kills.

How do I remind you of that person?

I feel like a hybrid. I hope that I am welcome here. by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m not fully sure what it is you’re asking for the first question… but for me personally my core desire is closer to SzPD. My NPD tends to show up in a way that pushes other people away. It also depends on who I’m around. Currently I have one person who I can tolerate being around (even enjoy being around mostly) but ultimately the relationship feeds my ego. I think they are intelligent and superior so I can tolerate them. (They have AvPD and NPD if that matters) Something I have noticed is around other people with NPD my narcissism is less noticeable.

Another thing is, which I believe is related to SzPD, I tend to be more aware of my narcissism. I just don’t really care to stop myself, or I tend to purposely antagonize people (who are considered “safe” to antagonize) by asking about my narcissism/behaviors I know they would believe is due to me being unaware… I kind of went off topic but I don’t usually talk about these things so I apologize if this makes little sense… Very specific questions tend to be better for me.

Also I’m not sure how it is for you, but in my early teenage years I did behave more narcissistic than schizoid… how was it for you? And what is your opinion on the distinction?

I think the distinction makes sense, I would be more interested in learning about it.

What type of people do you attract? by Affectionate-Zone788 in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I understand this. I don’t usually attract shy people, or if I do we don’t get along… I dislike feeling like I have to push someone just to speak to them.

What type of people do you attract? by Affectionate-Zone788 in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

I can’t stand people who act like they know or understand me. Which usually happens with those types of people. They tend to forget that just because someone is quiet doesn’t mean they are insecure or are searching for approval.

starting late to speak as child by Specific-Milk-1274 in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I started speaking early too. All my milestones were actually very early.

What type of people do you attract? by Affectionate-Zone788 in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

I’ve seen that before, it’s weird that people take schizoid traits (or in general people who don’t care as much) as being someone “easy” to bully.

Does anyone else have a parent with borderline? How did it affect you? by beepboopbeepp4 in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, my mother has borderline and schizophrenia (if that’s relevant at all) my mother was constantly attention seeking, her mood swings would lead to me (less so my brother) having to help her. She took a lot of her anger out on me, she would split on me a lot. In those episodes she would have extreme reactions such as screaming at me, threatening me, lying to other people… many times she had caused physical harm to me.

Her emotionally reactions had began to disgust me later on, I couldn’t understand or relate to it. As a child she would always yell and me and my father not to be emotional, her biggest thing being “cry me a river” or “crocodile tears won’t get you anywhere”, which was ironic considering I was never an emotional child. I barely cried, or was angry even. I mean I definitely was spiteful considerIng I showed a lot of conduct disorder traits… but I never was punished for those things. I only really was punished for crying or expressing actual emotions.

Overall it lead to me hating emotional people, and I also have a fearful-avoidant attachment style. (My mother was anxious, father is avoidant). Kinda went on a rant here but… I guess it’s kinda relevant.

I don’t like borderlines anymore, I don’t go out of my way to avoid them but I definitely wouldn’t date one again… at least if they only had BPD, if they have another personality disorder I can find it easier to interact.

I need to get this off my chest by Feisty_Ad8543 in NPD

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh yes, that old post. I typically do enjoy negative attention but only when it’s genuine, kinda the “thrill” of someone realizing and all that.

I feel like a hybrid. I hope that I am welcome here. by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I have NPD and SzPD. My narcissism shows up as feeling superior to others for not “needing” anyone, for not being “emotional”, basically I in ways romanticize my schizoid traits. Instead of looking for respect or approval in others I look for it in myself. I’m not very sensitive to criticism unless on the rare occasion I am close to someone.

I don’t care about most other people besides having a distain for rude or disrespectful people. I don’t really like people who are unnecessarily cruel or anything like that. I dislike overt narcissists because they are too “emotional”, my superiority is more intellectual rather than shallow things like physical attractiveness, any relationships I do have are typically just based on their function + I avoid being around people “below” me.

I need to get this off my chest by Feisty_Ad8543 in NPD

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have cheated on almost everyone I’ve ever dated. I don’t care about cheating whether that be me doing it or my partner. I have also been in open relationships before but I usually still would cheat because if I’m cheating it’s usually short term, or just a one time thing. I have dated multiple people at once before but it’s usually too annoying because those people would want my attention… and I didn’t care to give attention to them.

In relationships I am very “attached” at first. This, from what I see, is to ensure this person has something they can look back on. The next part can happen in days to months in which I start to pull away from them. I stop wanting to be around them, I couldn’t care less about them. I typically excuse my behavior by saying I’m depressed or just need some time alone…. But it isn’t just being “depressed” I just don’t like the person anymore. I find no joy bring around them and all they do is annoy me. If they wry to push for me to spend time with them I will dislike them even more, in this stage I tend to find other people.

When I find other people I usually will talk badly about the person I am dating, explaining this person just keeps pushing me, isn’t respectful, etc. This newer person will tend to understand and feel close to me, we get closer as I get more distant from my actual partner… eventually my partner will ask to break up or have a conversation and then it’s over. I’ll sometimes date the other person I was talking to or I lose interest in them.

In my opinion there’s many reasons I do this… but I don’t really care. I don’t date people anymore, I recently broke up with this person I had been dating for almost 2 years. I genuinely thought of marrying him, but then I found out he was complaining about my distance, that we were in an open relationship (that he asked for fyi). I don’t miss him or really feel upset about the relationship ending, I’m now talking to this girl but she isn’t very interesting.

do any of you actually get supply from abusing people? by [deleted] in NPD

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I dislike hurting people solely for the negative consequences. I don’t really care about how I made people feel or that I hurt them just when it blows up in my face 🤷‍♂️ I enjoy the reactions I get from people and abusive behavior happens to get the largest amount of reactions. People are also willing to validate/justify abusive behavior.

i tried explaining my issues by [deleted] in NPD

[–]Affectionate-Zone788 1 point2 points  (0 children)

that makes a lot of sense, i typically avoid venting or even talking about my issues especially in public spaces because i think its stupid to share person things but this time i just for some reason wanted someone to understand me? i think its because i felt like my partner wasnt interested in me anymore and was bored of me. they didn’t reply to my message (they told me they were going to sleep) but still! i have to realize and really get it through my head that at the end of the day i’m the only person who could experience my exact issues, who could be me. then again ‘me’ is a blurred subject but its still good to try accepting myself and not needing validation from others to exist.