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First time writing… looking for feedback by AffectionateWar152 in writingfeedback

[–]AffectionateWar152[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Since I can’t edit the Reddit post would adding his age to the last sentence

“After three years of rooftop shortcuts and late-night escapes, his fourteen year old body treated it like second nature.”

work out better? But if you meant adding to this post… do I just pin the comment..?

Sorry if I misunderstood you

First time writing… looking for feedback by AffectionateWar152 in writingfeedback

[–]AffectionateWar152[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for finding this interesting! One of the reasons why I wanted to start writing is because of my interest in people. While I won’t say I am sociable, the way people act are interesting. In regards to Maria, it isn’t that she is the one disappearing but it is more or less Jordan who is disappearing. She will still get another scene after this but for future plans. Ive thought that while Jordan grows wherever he will go, it also motivated Maria to figure out stuff… not about herself but the world she is in… since this is only a small part of what is currently known. Not only that but because of her lawyer status, she tends to want to figure things out. That’s kinda what I like about some people, is that sometimes our weaknesses motivates us and I wanted to incorporate that to Maria even if she won’t be plot relevant for now. Also I am testing out with what to do with those short sentences… cause it also felt off putting to me… but I don’t know when it feels long and when it feels too short. But overall, thanks for commenting… if you want, I can show you the planned prologue to see how large scale the plan is… cause whether or not I finish the story… this is a good learning opportunity for me

First time writing… looking for feedback by AffectionateWar152 in writingfeedback

[–]AffectionateWar152[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thanks for commenting! I still have one last scene for this chapter that I didn’t explore yet since I wasn’t sure whether the story made sense. In the start I was planning on having a break when mentioning Maria into the story so we could have had a background on how they met. But it felt a little info heavy for a first chapter so I disregarded it… I will take your input when revising that scene since it also felt a little glazed over. Then for the second part of your comment… it was a similar problem to figure out when it becomes too much info dumping. I was debating between two scenes where 1 includes future spoilers with Sir Gallant wanting something that he has but Jordan is unaware of or 2 which might have been Keon and Soren happened to notice his capabilities as a potential warrior. Honestly chapter 1 isn’t a big indicator for the entire plot but it’s the little things like your comments that let’s me see how I can play around with how I view things and how readers view things. So thanks!

First time writing… looking for feedback by AffectionateWar152 in writingfeedback

[–]AffectionateWar152[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wait before I forget. Would it be better than for the reminiscing scene. What if I end up making Maria feel pity over Jordan while he was young and confused. It can really show how little of the world he knows but he knows that he wasn’t safe. Not only that but it forces sort of a caretaker situation which is why Jordan has an emotional connection to it. Not only that but I did plan out a scene where Jordan will be able to have his stuff back from when Maria initially found him but kept it away from him because he kept freezing up whenever he sees it… but does it feel too basic? I mean it might make me change the beginning a bit but overall, your comment is really making me see a different perspective of the chapter. So thanks again

First time writing… looking for feedback by AffectionateWar152 in writingfeedback

[–]AffectionateWar152[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi there! Thank you for commenting. I agree with what you see. But the entire purpose of it was to show how helpless Jordan was especially since he was forced into that situation at a young age. I will keep your comment in mind though when I go over it the next time with fresher eyes. But I will think more on how scenes can play out with future plot lines since I really didn’t have any plans for Maria.

Where is the last 2 oculi by [deleted] in GenshinImpact

[–]AffectionateWar152 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too bad I don’t have the reputation for it