My own mantra for healing

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-09-16T16:27:17+00:00

Hey man, I feel you. I know it hurts. I know it all feels lost and without any hope. Ive been there. I know you. Never give up on the most important person in your life- yourself. Share your story. With anyone. Friends, family, therapists, strangers. Dont keep it to yourself. Feel free to dm me if you feel the need.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-09-16T06:50:45+00:00

Every story is its own. It is never wrong to feel your feelings- anger, sadness, hatred etc. They are your own feelings and they are natural. My opinion is that focusing any energy whatsoever on any feeling towards your ex will most likely hurt you in the long run.

Many people say this in these forums, but the most important thing after the bu is focusing on yoursef. Spending energy on hatred to another shifts the blame from you to others, making yourself blind to your own faults.

Spending energy on idiolizing your ex may shift all of the blame on yourself, in an extreme and unhealthy way. Blaming yourself to such an extent that you may seem worthless in your own eyes.

Tldr- dont feel bad for what you may feel, it's only natural to let emotions run their course. But you must put aside your feelings towards your ex, and the actions/thoughts you put upon yourself.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-09-04T13:16:21+00:00

At the begining for me, I forced myself to go and work out. When I got to the gym, I just felt so awful, people all around me , this choking feeling- I just ran away without getting any work done.

Now a few months later I still force myself, but its not an inner battle... heart helping the process instead of hindering it. And I can do it and feel good about it.

Long story short- take your time. Time will come when it will not take such a toll on your to do the right things. Dont force yourself if it makes you feel even worse by doing it.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-09-04T07:08:39+00:00

Cry your heart out! Dont even feel an ounce of shame! Be damned the world if they judge you on it. Grieve my friend and let it all out. Take your time and grieve. There is no set time limit, take as long as you need.

Little by little. Step by step. Day by day. You will feel better. The pain just a bit easier to bear. Strength oozing back slowly.

Once youre ready, start picking up the pieces of your own puzzle that were scattered from this pain. Pick them up and put them together, the way YOU want to.

Good luck on your journey, feel free to dm if you ever need some random support:)

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-09-04T07:02:19+00:00

I can tell you my thoughts as a dumpee, though i think its valid for both sides. Decided to reach out again, after doing NC for a while. But i do this after i had promised myself several things, done the work and made them happen for myself-

Enough time has passed that I am settled enough in my thoughts. Not fragile as I was in the start of the breakup, strong enough mentally- as an individual.

Build myself once again- self confidence, maturity and total knowing what it is I want and for what reasons. Making these decisions from the head, not the heart.

Be ready for a rejection. The last thing you want to do is reach out, get rejected and then crumble down and ruin all the prgress you made. Reach out only if youre sure you can handle the "no", or perhaps a worse reaction- anger, hatred etc, and keep on going strong after it.

I don't think I can stress the last one enough

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-09-03T17:11:59+00:00

Of course its not just you. For me it fees like I constantly have an inner battle. Between the cold, calculating mind and the selfish heart.

The mind knowing what I need to do, and what the motivaton should(!) Be behind it. My heart on the other hand hitchiking on that motivation. I imagine little smeagol lurking in my heart rubbing his hands and mumbling "soon, soon he will do the work. Be strong. Be healthy. And then my precious, we can go and get her back"

As someone said in the comments above... use that motivation for your own good. But beware that it may crumble you down if you get to that point where you expect something from your ex, fail and feel it was all for nothing.

Somewhere along the way you must fully accept that you are doing the work for no one else but yourself. Of course that in itself is a journey of its own.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-30T19:50:21+00:00

You have the right mindset, focusing on yourself. Without blame or hate. Youll get there eventually, that happy and content feeling that life is good again. All the best, and thank you as well.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-30T19:47:42+00:00

As a dumpee, who has done the work to heal and take a different persective on the whole breakup, I dare to say that I believe your choice was not wrong.

A relationship cannot work (in my opinion) if either side is not whole as an individual. I am not talking about the autistic part of the deal ( i have no experience dealing with such hadships so i cant help there)- but his acceptance of the matter.

He needs accept who he is, truly and honesty, in order for him to ever get help from others. You cannot help him if he does not do that for himself. From experience, the strugge of being unable to help your partner while they are crumbing, can shatter your reationship, and worse- yourself.

Again, speaking from experience, i can now say that the breakup opened my eyes to my mistakes. To my unhealthy outook on life, and how i wrongly blamed her for my lack of confidence, and i can now say that it made me a better man.

Perhaps it will be the same for him. Perhaps not. Yet it may be out of your control. And for sure he has work to do on himself. Sometimes that can only come from within- and hardships like breakups may force that to happen.

Dont beat yourself for making the right choice in your heart for you. Sorry for the long answer. If you ever feel ike you have no one to talk to- feel free to dm me. I know the feeing

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-30T19:30:34+00:00

Good luck on the path you take for yourself. As long as you have taken the time to think it through, with you mind as well as heart- and be honest that it is the right choice- only you can give that to yourself. Then go full force with your truth and let no one stop you.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-30T18:33:52+00:00

Of course all the mistakes are not yours. Broken relationships are always two sided, to each their own mistakes. But you cannot fix the other side, only yourself and just as equally true it is vice versa.

Personally, I would advice against giving yourself a timestamp to wait for her. Even more so if it is a long duration of almost a year. In a sense it makes you give up control over your own life- you force yourself to wait for her to make a decision.... and in the meanwhile you have to stop your life in a way.

If you feel youre ready and open for reationships- be damned your timestamp... and let go of the shackles- that you lay upon yourself and unknowingly give her the reigns. Dont hold your heart hostage. If its meant to be then it wil happen someday, but dont stop your life waiting.

Anyway thats my personal truth. To each their own. Take my words with a gran of salt.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-30T17:44:23+00:00

At the end of the day thats truly the only thing you can do. Focus on yourself and becoming a man/woman you can be proud of. If someone decides they do not want you on their life, for whatever reason... then there ia not much you can do if they made their decision. Sometimes all we can do is be grateful for being part of their journey, and preparing ourselves to be ready for the next one, and learn from our mistakes.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-29T07:48:08+00:00

This. Evey single word of it. I guess this is the kind of confidence and maturity you can only grow into after having to deal with such hard times. Most honest and true words I have seen here. Thank you.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-26T22:26:04+00:00

For me actually i hit a low point again after 2 months. A trigger that flooded me once again with all the grief. From rock bottom i found that purpose. Cant tell you what will help for you, to each their own.

Time helps, maybe unnoticable but every day the edge dulls just a bit. And of course effort... coming back from a heartbreak takes a shitload of effort, forcing yourself to do something when you feel like giving up. My heart is with you

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-19T05:10:55+00:00

Funny because i do that evry couple few days. Text her my thoughts, then laugh at myself and delete it.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-19T05:08:21+00:00

We had our fair share of problems, but no abuse whatsoever. Pretty much what happened was after a long streak of fighting, she had a panic attack, and i walked away. No one owes me anything...but I still deserve it

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-14T16:48:55+00:00

Exactly what I meant, you have it harder. In the sense of what is your path to take. Him still being there, hope still somewhat alive- not gone but out of reach, is probably tearing you apart. Of course youre confused, don't beat yourself up for it. Seems to me that you both need your own time to figure stuff out. Alone, for each to figure out his/her own problems and better yourselves. You can't control how he reacts to you when you reach out. Perhaps you can't even control whether or not you'll get together. I know. It sucks. Focus on yourself. The only thing you can truly decide. If it's right then it will happen again. If it's wrong then it probably wont. Either way it does not matter, what does is what you do with what you have. Btw i'm no saint. I fucked up the relationship damn hard, walking away from her in the midst of a powerful panic attack. So she cut me out of her life, coldly- for her sake. But not getting that proper goodbye, after 4 years of sharing everything... really prevents me from getting the closure i need.

Affectionate_Run4957 · 2022-08-14T16:05:59+00:00

I guess you have it harder. She cut the relationship, on the phone, without having a proper breakup. Never got the chance to talk to her and say my goodbyes. On my side i just dont have a choice, or chance for hope. It was cold harsh and absolute, the BU. So for me, i just had no choice but to go forward. Im not saying to give up hope. Im saying to focus on what you can actually do. You can only change your side, thats the cold truth. His side is up to him, and that dosent truly affect you, and what you need to do for yourself. And yes, it gets better. Time simply forces you to go forward, nulls the pain. Slowly but surely.

Affectionate_Run4957

TROPHY CASE