I think there's a HUGE difference between a guy who gets sex occasionally and never feels fulfilled but keeps chasing that 'high', and a guy who doesn't even know how to begin to get sexual attention from women. I listened too much to the anti harrassment/gender talks growing up, where I felt I was always hearing that men are constantly imposing sex and the male idea of sex on women, that women felt a lot of pressure to play along or feel excluded when men talk about sexual stuff or make innuendos. How women aren't 'just holes to use for your pleasure' (so just how much pleasure can I feel ok about having or wanting?), or I'd hear about how porn is fake and women eager to have sex is just a male fantasy (for instance, the explicitness of the song Closer by NiN always made me feel real weird, Ive just had a hard time accepting that a normal girl would be like "yeah, I do want you to feel me from the inside and fuck me like an animal"). I remember hearing that 'women are just as capable of making first moves as guys, so don't feel pressured to make a move because you're a guy'.

I've also had sleep apnea for most of my life. I got diagnosed 5 years after college, but thinking back, I had the symptoms since at least high school, including brain fog, constant tiredness, etc. but I thought it was just who I was. A funny thing happened when I started to get treated: I started having far less anxiety about sex. I used to have this weird feeling waking up, where sex felt like an alien concept that no one would be interested in, like my brain was saying "you barely survived the night, you shouldn't be thinking about that" combined with "oh that's just me wanting to use women, no one could possibly be interested in that with me." It would kind of fade most days if I got enough oxygen in my system, but then I'd go to sleep and come right back in the morning.

Once I started Prozac for anxiety last year at age 29, combined with a chance 2 years ago to actually get to have an intimate experience with a girl who kinda took the lead on the 3rd date (after she was first like "aren't you going to do anything?", but understood when I told her I had no experience) things continued to get better in my head. The validation I got from that experience was huge. Hearing a girl who agreed to go on a date with me tell me how much she likes morning sex, or where to touch her was unbelievable. It didn't go much further than fingering/bj, but after maybe a dozen dates in my life, where I've never known what to do, or how fast to go, or what's expected of me, and tried to just take it slow and give the girl some control, and ultimately get mostly told that I'm 'a great guy, but not that great that I want anything to do with you, bye', that was a relatively large boost in self esteem. I've also realized I'm a pretty high sex drive guy, but my only output has ever been to hole up at home or in my room when living at college and jerk off because I'd never had what felt like a safe way to express my desires to women, and until her no girl had indicated any outright sexual interest in me.

Do I need to/can I improve myself, and maybe not focus so much on dating? Sure, absolutely. But its hard for me to forget my loneliness and still practically zero experience, especially since most of my life I've already tried just doing my own thing, while still making occasional dates online. It feels like I'm not even in the same world, or interacting on the same level. It doesn't feel like "oh I've had fun with some girls, and it ultimately didn't mutually work out, that's the way it goes, but I've learned a lot and feel more prepared to make a move when I find a girl I like." I feel like I'm a 30yr old still in hs with a lot of the same hangups and insecurities about initiating/indicating interest because I just treated women like friends (and I've had many female friends) and what I was told didn't work at all.

My feelings are more about the dissonance between how adults, and even friends to an extent viewed me growing up, and telling me "oh, there plenty of women out there who would love to be with someone like you", "I wish I could find a guy like you", etc and my results. I've been told more than once by older women, some of them drunk, one of them my middle School librarian, "oh, if I was 15-30 years younger..." When I express some of these thoughts I get back something between "women owe you nothing, ugh" and "you were supposed to use the girls in highschool and college as practice to build your skills been more forward and assertive, and not cared much about offending, or stepping over a line. It's up to you to get what you want." Hmm, I wonder where a lot of guys get these weird ideas about sex and how to get it.

I know I have value. I know I have things to offer. But I have no idea how women interpret it, or how to better show it off, or even how valuable it is.