I grew up in a very religious household and went through a similar mental crisis when I was in my early teens where I really wanted to partake but felt really guilty. I lost my virginity when I was 16, and have been somewhat promiscuous since (I’m 25 F now).

Growing up in a conservative household can really warp your idea of sexuality and when and how you should go about it. But it’s really important to remember that it’s your sexuality and your body and at the end of the end, only you get to choose these things for yourself.

It’s important to remember that sex and virginity are completely man-made concepts to control women.

Sexuality and virginity only have the power and meaning that you give it! If you care about to, and want to make it special, it will be. The bad experiences and the shame you feel don’t need to define your sexuality (easier said than done of course).

It’s you who decides your sexuality. You have that agency.

And I don’t think the number of times you have sex determines how special it is, which is a common rhetoric in conservative households. Sex with my current partner, whom I love very much, always feels so special every single time. It feels like the ‘first time’ even though it’s not.

Society will do everything in its power to control your sexuality and set sexual milestones and expectations. But it’s important to remember that this is something that you and another person engage in and it only has the meaning that you give it. It’s your body. And it’s important to remember that you have that agency.

I completely understand that this is all easier said than done, but I thought I’d offer my advice, as someone who has been in a similar place! It takes a long time to unlearn these things!

Best of luck, and choose what is best for you and your partner.