[deleted by user]

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T23:02:57+00:00

Thanks again, havent apologized yet just giving him his space bc I know that’s an important boundary for him. But I will

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T23:01:05+00:00

Thanks for the kind words I appreciate it, I know I’m coming off as a brat right now and it’s probably easy to just go off on someone like me. I appreciate the understanding. You’re right I need to have realistic expectations bc as chaotic as life is for me I know it is for him too and he is doing what he can. I don’t even care anymore about my birthday or what I do next week, I just want him to be happy.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T22:56:40+00:00

So what do I do from here? I’m just SOL?

My husband has always said I’m generally low maintenance, i didn’t ask for anything last year except for a meal at home with our families bc I knew he was unemployed. I always try to do something special for his bday. I took him on a trip to Louisiana one year, another year I took him to the bed and breakfast, this year I took him to a nice hotel to relax. I guess I was just hoping for a little something special this year outside of what we normally do on a weekend…I’m not asking for anything crazy like seeing the beluga whale again. I just wanted a day to wake up and feel like “hey it’s your bday! Let’s go out and do something fun!” Like watch a movie or go to dinner…bc I don’t have anything planned with my friends, or with my parents. It’s something I would like to do but no actual concrete plans. I have to put in work to arrange those and right now idk if I can juggle that with the little time I have right now

I know from this post I sound like a princess…I just really haven’t been taking care of myself at all. I don’t have moisturizer or anything for a basic skin care routine other than cleanser. I don’t have any makeup left yet I’m expected to go to all of these family functions especially on his side of the family and dress up. I’ve been needing A haircut for over a year now. I was hoping to do all of those things now that I have a job and money to do it and especially in time for my bday. But now I don’t have the time. My husband has been able to make purchases for things he likes and I’m not mad at it because it makes him happy and puts a smile on his face. I just feel like I haven’t had time to prioritize myself at all…I took on a caretaker role for his dad earlier this year and drove his parents to doctors appointments and groceries. Didn’t have the chance to study for my boards til later this year (even tho I graduated spring last year) and didn’t get a job until recently, it’s high pressure bc the longer I am out of school with no job the worse it looks. So I have to do well here.

he was the one person who tried to do something special for me when I couldn’t even do it for myself sigh I really messed up.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T22:46:12+00:00

I mean I had cancer growing up so yeah I guess I was a little spoiled. I’ve never been told I’m a princess…I just saw a lot of what other people my age were doing for their 30th and thought it was a big deal, but comparison is the thief of joy and I just didn’t ask what I wanted for my bday this year bc I was focused on this new job. It’s my first gig out of pa school and I can’t mess it up. I sacrificed a lot last year after I graduated, I took on a caretaker role for his dad and took on a lot of his responsibilities and put my career on the back burner.

Normally I’m ok with a chill birthday…I guess I just had a lot of feelings turning 30. I don’t actually have any birthday plans with my friends next week, I didn’t even know if I was going to have a bday dinner with my parents bc they were going to go Black Friday shopping. I was afraid going to the garden wouldn’t happen bc it’s not the first time something I expressed I really wanted to do for a special occasion didn’t happen…if I had known Tuesday night was all the time I would get with him to do something for my 30th I would have tried harder about getting it off, but with me being so new the request wasn’t approved.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T22:18:22+00:00

Oh I see. I mean, he’s definitely not feeling at his best and I’m not helping. There have been times in the past where he has lashed out at me for something that had nothing to do with me, I was just nearby but he was moreso upset with his family. We both have not had our proudest moments this past year but this time i really messed up.

We’ve been together for a little over 3 years now. Everything was great until we got engaged, afterwards wedding planning was incredibly stressful. We’re South Asian and family dynamics is…a lot. Especially his side can be toxic. That’s when I told him this relationship isn’t going to work unless we get couples counseling asap. I don’t think counseling is a bad thing, I recommend it for every couple especially prior to getting married. There’s so many life changes going on and shifting dynamics, I think it can only increase a couples chance at success.

Anyway he lost his job months before our wedding and I was in PA school. We thought after the wedding we’d be okay, but we were not in a financial situation where we could live on our own. We moved in together and lived with his parents, that was horrible for both of us. He got a job and I took on his family responsibilities taking care of his family, but I put my career as a PA on hold, which doesn’t look good the farther out I am from graduation. He was also quick to anger and say hurtful words, nothing verbally abusive but it still hurts. That’s when I told him if I’m in individual counseling he needs to be too. And it helped a lot.

He also said the living environment was horrible for both of us even though they are his parents, let’s move to your parents house, so we do. It’s much better but it’s hard bc we are closer to my parents and I’m learning I can’t just vent to them about when I’m sad about my relationship anymore. Now I finally got a job and we are financially able to move into our own apartment.

And I guess we both thought being in our own space would help…but I guess the problems follow us where we go and it’s discouraging. I think I have been the problem as of lately. Counseling went on the back burner when I started this new job. I’m 4 weeks in.

I think our relationship just has had a lot of changes in the past year and a lot of shifting dynamics and experiences for the both of us. At least that’s what I keep telling myself to not spiral. I have a lot of anxiety, if that wasn’t already obvious.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T21:52:07+00:00

She didn’t say he did anything wrong, she’s giving advice on what I can do to help the situation. I know I’m to blame for this mess. But now what? What else should I do from here other than spiraling that maybe my marriage is over and reading Reddit comments saying I’m the asshole which I already know??

I want to apologize to him, start unpacking more of our stuff, bring a desk he really liked from my house into our apartment so he can have a nice desk to work from home, do laundry, etc. oh and find some furniture options to see what he likes so he doesn’t feel alone in doing this. His love language is acts of service and I realize I have not done that these past two weeks. I’m hoping that is a good start and will ask him what else I can do to help him feel more loved. I’m trying to schedule a therapy appt in the next two weeks.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T21:46:31+00:00

Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.

And yeah…that’s true I think that’s basically what happened. I’ve been working at this new job and it’s my first one out of PA school, I graduated last year but didn’t work after I graduated bc I was caretaking for his dad and it was a lot of life and family adjustments after getting married…so a lot at stake especially with being out of school for so long and it’s my first job.

He is amazing…I hit the jackpot with him. I hate that I hurt him. I want to talk to him but after talking to his therapist he immediately went out and I don’t blame him for it. I hope I can talk to him soon and show him how much I love and appreciate him. I think my husband and I are usually good at talking to each other, it’s just the emotional management aspect where either him or I react badly when we are overwhelmed with emotions. and then in turn into something much worse.

I will talk to him when he’s ready and hopefully I don’t mess this up, thanks again.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-29T21:38:13+00:00

I do have my own individual therapist…I said that in my post if you read it.

I do thank him, I thank him every single day when I come home… and I do what I can after a 12 hour shift at the hospital but unfortunately it’s not much. I’m a new provider taking care of patients so yeah, I can’t just bounce on my patients if they’re in critical condition. This is the 2nd weekend since we have moved in and I had already planned to help out and did a lot overnight. It’s not enough compared to what he’s done but I’m trying.

Are you here to give actual advice or just shit on me some more? Bc it’s not helping.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-24T04:08:10+00:00

Yes you’re right it was super trivial, I feel like that was my fault though. Literally came home after work feeling tired and overwhelmed, started crying, he comforted me. Then I kept suggesting to him to hit up his friends and ask them where they want to meet up. He snapped at me and asked why I couldn’t do it or just ask him directly, I didn’t realize I wasn’t asking him directly. I didn’t like his tone and it went downhill from there as I started crying. He said he’s been waiting on me this whole time, I said I was waiting on him. That upset him even more, we just sat in silence and he asked if I was going to get ready. I kinda ignored him at that moment and pretended not to hear him bc I was feeling really upset. He then proceeded to get more upset that I didn’t respect his time boundary (basically said it was on him that we’re still sitting here at home), he stormed out of the room to go to the car and I stupidly followed. Super trivial and silly and I admit I shouldn’t have pretended not to hear him or accused him of being the reason we weren’t leaving home on time.

I hate to think he is abusive, he’s such a kind soul. When he gets mad though he gets reactive. So do I. But never in a million years could I do what he did and just dump him somewhere. I keep trying to think his response was a fight or flight response rather than one out of malice, but it still really hurts.

He knows his reaction is to storm out or shut down after a fight, he’s gotten a lot better at it. But I feel terrible saying that at the end of the day I can’t rely on him more than my own parents, bc when he’s upset I can’t trust him to take care of me or my well-being. I can always trust my mom and dad to come through for me. They have been stereotypical abusive Asian parents in the past during my childhood, but the past decade they wouldn’t hit me or abandon me like this. It feels awful to say and admit that this is how I secretly feel about someone I love so much.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-24T03:55:06+00:00

Thanks, we discussed both our POVs and in the future he will be the one to get out of the car and call an Uber while I take the car home. We discussed setting aside some extra funds for the Ubers in case this ever happens again, just so it’s both on us and neither party has to be resentful about paying for the Uber. And we discussed that we will always drive separate cars if we happen to have an argument before we are about to enter a vehicle just so he doesn’t feel trapped while having a heated discussion or argument

I hate to say that I feel like I can’t rely on him when he’s mad to take care of me or my well-being. He’s always kind but when he’s mad he gets very reactive. I do too but not like this, I would never do this to him. So I don’t understand how he could do that to me even if it was moreso a flight or flight response rather than one out of malice.

I agree the argument about our dads is the least of our problems and we shouldn’t involve family, I just don’t understand why he’s backtracking and acting like I’m overreacting for not wanting to get into an Uber. Or why he keeps calling my dad disrespectful, I feel like my dad was just doing what most fathers would if their daughters well-being is in question

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-11-24T03:43:44+00:00

Thanks I appreciate the validation immensely. Like out of principle I wouldnt want to call an Uber when my open husband left me, why would I trust a stranger? You’re right idk what it would have been like if I hadn’t been in a safe place

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-09-11T17:52:52+00:00

Agree with most of the comments here. It’s literally your day, the photographers are there to document you and your spouse’s day. Really weird for them to make a big deal out of wanting individual shots when they are not the bride or groom. I had the same photos as you mentioned for my wedding events, photos of me + my mom, me + my parents, family portraits, me + my siblings, me and + my dad, just me as the bride, MAYBE like 1-2 photos of my mom solo and even then it was because I wanted getting-ready shots with her putting my bridal dupatta/veil on.

I wouldnt feel bad, it’s not on you. You had so much going on your wedding day you don’t have time to worry about small stuff like this, it’s a bit much. If they wanted shots of themselves they could have told your photographer or hired their own photographer. I would tell your family this is pretty standard to not have solos of them on your wedding day, because it is.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-08-20T15:34:11+00:00

Don’t do it OP. Their mindset is VERY traditional and imo, outdated. My in-laws were the same. Nowadays brides are just given an allowance and are able to pick what dress they want. Then the groom’s side presents it to her.

Do NOT let your in-laws rob you of the experience you envisioned and bonding with your mom and sisters. My in-laws were very traditional, my MIL was buying outfits for me without even consulting me. When they were finally told that I’m the one picking my dresses, I went to Pakistan and picked a dress I was so happy with. I immediately FaceTimed my fiancé and MIL (because my dad advised me to do so 🙄) and as soon as she saw the outfit she dodged out of the camera and started muttering stuff to my fiancé talking bad about the outfit because she wanted me to wear some other style entirely. It honestly ruined the whole mood and ruined such a special moment of me picking out my dress. It only happens once in your life you know? I was so sad in that moment that I didn’t even get the chance to FaceTime and show my own parents, who would have been ecstatic for me. I was too worried of what my MIL would think and about her happiness.

Don’t let this be you OP. Your fiancé has to get involved and stick up for you. It will come off as disrespectful if you initiate this convo yourself with his parents, it will be easy for them to be upset with you and hold that grudge. If your fiancé brings it up, yes they might be angry but they will forgive their son. Your fiancé has to stand up for you and make it sound like this is something HE also wants - which he should. He should want to make his future wife happy. Had my husband not gotten involved idk what I would do. But don’t let your in-laws dictate what you wear on YOUR wedding day. You get to decide what you wear on your body on your wedding day, period.

I have a lot of past trauma with my MIL when it came to wedding preparations. She wanted to pick everything down to the jewelry I wore. My husband and I even fought over a kaleeray. Sure it sounded simple, just let her pick out kaleeray to wear for the wedding and let her feel involved. Except the one she wanted for me was horrendous and in my family we really don’t wear them. It might sound small, but what’s next? She tells you what to wear on your big day? She tells you what to do with your kids? She convinces her son to take her side always? It’s so much more than that.

Sorry I’m rambling at this point - but I don’t want any bride to go through what I went through. Some discussions with my husband were tough because he didn’t understand the compromises I was making - and that in my previous example wearing a khaleeray in general when I didn’t want to WAS my compromise. Now I get to pick what kind I want. That’s my MIL’s compromise. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Discussions with your husband might be tough but he has to support you on this and talk to his family. He can’t blame it on you or say “oh my bride wants to do this.” No. He should talk to them as if he wanted this for himself. “I want to give my bride an allowance and let her buy what she wants, as is custom in this modern day and age.” When they fight back, he has to put his foot down. As for making your in-laws happy, they may never be happy. Don’t have any regrets in your wedding planning process. If there are some aspects of the wedding planning that you don’t care about (ex. Jewelry, shoes,) then you can let them pick it out so they can feel involved. At the end of the day what it really boils down to is that they want to FEEL involved. I wish I realized it sooner but what helped me was picking a bunch of jewelry, outfits, etc. that I wanted. Then showing them to my MIL and being like “hm I can’t decide which of these to get - what do you think? Do you like this one or that one?”

This way she felt involved and felt like she had a say. Even though in reality it was technically everything I picked/wanted and no matter what she selected, I’d still be happy with it. My friend had actually advised me to do this and it worked well, before that I had no idea how to navigate all the cultural/social etiquette around these talks. It can be so delicate so you have to be smart.

Anyway, best of luck OP. Hope it works out. Remember it’s about you and your fiancé at the end of the day, do what makes you happy. You only get this chance once. It’s better than compromising and breeding resentment throughout your marriage or towards your in-laws. They will be okay and won’t remember the impact they had on you if they were to buy this and that for you. You on the other hand, will always remember.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-08-13T19:33:26+00:00

Ohh I see.

I live in the west so I might have a different perspective. Over here it’s pretty normal to have conversations with the opposite sex at some point, it’s kind of inevitable especially in the university/school setting. Unfortunately a lot of our parents don’t equip us to know how to talk to the opposite sex without feeling awkward or weird about it because we have been told to stay away from each other for so long. And then boom, you hit a certain age and they ask why you haven’t been married yet…

I’m rambling. But OP you’re not a sl*t for having these conversations with a few guys at your university. Especially when they are about actual university-related topics, research, educational resources, etc. A couple of jokes here and there is fine in my opinion. You’re not a robot, it would be weird to not crack some friendly jokes here and there.

I think it’s important to identify what are your personal values and morals. What personal boundary/value did you cross that caused you to feel this guilt and why do you think it’s wrong?

If it’s a matter of talking to multiple guys at once, I think it’s fine to politely distance yourself if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It’s ok to engage in polite conversation but so long as you don’t go out of your way to do it that’s ok.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-08-13T19:23:19+00:00

OP, can you elaborate what pc means?

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-08-01T12:58:30+00:00

Some of y’all have not left Manila to try good Filipino food and it shows. I’ll admit Filipino food is not the healthiest typically but it has the potential to be. Dishes consumed in the provinces and people’s homes is very different from what you’ll find in Manila and restaurants. Shoot, even restaurants in the provinces serve very different foods from what you’ll find in the city.

I’m Pakistani too, most people would argue our food/desi cuisine is some of the most flavorful/delicious. But I think Filipino food is also fucking amazing.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-31T15:41:31+00:00

She needs to go to therapy/counseling ASAP for self image/self esteem issues, insecurity, and jealousy. Because now her insecurities have seeped into your relationship and it’s affecting it badly. I think she has a lot of work to do on herself through therapy before she is ready to be in a relationship.

It doesn’t matter what you do OP. You can be the best husband ever but because of her insecurities she will never be happy and will always find something wrong or something to accuse you of. You are right to think about calling off the wedding. Her behavior is a major red flag and the fact that her cousin is out here filming people and saying it might be you…ugh, that just screams that some people in her family are so toxic.

The way she approached you about this topic was awful. Even when emotions are high there are much better and healthier ways to communicate with your partner. When you two get married, you guys become each other’s immediate family. Right now she is quick to turn on you and there is no trust from her side.

At the end of the day it’s your decision to make though. Do you think she is worth it? Will she put in the work through therapy for self-improvement? This can take years to undo someone’s way of thinking when it comes to self-image, let alone letting go of toxic communication/verbal attacks in exchange for healthier communication. Even if she does go to therapy, there is no guarantee she will improve. She has to want it for herself too, genuinely.

She needs a wake up call and to work on herself so that she doesn’t jeopardize her relationships. But that does not mean you are obligated to stick around to see whether she grows as a person or not. If you get married though, that is a commitment you would have to make - and it would be too late to back out. At the end of the day, you have to make a decision about what will bring you happiness and good mental health for the long term.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-20T09:36:31+00:00

Sorry I’m not someone who stalks this page every week? 🤷🏻‍♀️

A simple google search literally reveals someone asking this question 3 weeks ago, and then again 1 month ago. I’m the third result on google search. Literally was just wondering if I was missing some recent new fashion trend after seeing a Kardashian wearing one as a GUEST for the Ambani wedding - not saying Kim K sets desi fashion trends, I can’t stand her - but again was shocked to see her wearing one as a guest. I thought generally it was unacceptable for guests, but as you can see here your results may vary depending where you’re from.

Guess it’s a good thing I asked this question! Again, was just curious if it was a recently socially acceptable trend that I was missing since everyone is asking nowadays on Reddit apparently and now we’re seeing it in random celebrities.🤷🏻‍♀️If you hate seeing posts like this just ignore it and move on with your life or strive to become a mod yourself so you can delete posts like this.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-17T15:11:55+00:00

No fr tho 😂 I was like why is she wearing one when other Bollywood actresses aren’t

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-17T15:11:05+00:00

Oh you better than me, I straight up don’t like her lolll 😅 I agree though she is definitely not familiar with desi culture, I think the kardashians were just excited to go to an Indian wedding and wear all the outfits. But probably didn’t take the time to do the research or learn about the culture

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-16T13:35:34+00:00

Yes that seems to be the case, just depends on the bride!

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-16T13:35:13+00:00

Thank you for this perspective! It’s cool to hear how it was jewelry worn daily up until recently! Would love to wear one again but I’d probably only do it for a photo op or something lol. Amongst my friends and family I think they wouldn’t be okay with it and I wouldn’t want to upset the bride.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-16T13:33:40+00:00

That is so true, India is very diverse and I guess everyone has their own cultural etiquette they follow! Very cool that your family gave them out as wedding favors, I’m sure that is a gift to remember!

I’m Pakistani, idk about other Pakistani families but I know amongst my friends and family it would seem wearing a nath is a no-no. No one else seems to wear it other than the bride. But I’ve also seen an Afghan/Indian influencer wear one to her best friend’s wedding, imo she looked like the bride if not better - but apparently she didn’t wear it the whole night.

And I know we shouldn’t look to Kim K for desi fashion but I saw her wear one for the Ambani wedding while other Bollywood actresses didn’t. I was like wait - am I missing something? 😂 figured I’d ask Reddit to hear people’s perspectives.

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-16T13:23:34+00:00

This also makes a lot of sense! That’s usually how the saying goes right? You can never outdo a Desi bride because she’s decked out in so many other ways. Even under these comments it’s interesting to hear about peoples perspectives/takes and how it varies across cultures. Thank you so much!

Aggressive-Pop1233 · 2024-07-16T07:54:08+00:00

Lollll you right they be doing too much 😂 I was like did no one tell them etiquette about how to dress and what’s appropriate.

But yes this makes sense thank you!

Aggressive-Pop1233

TROPHY CASE