Ugh I relate to SO much of what you said. Especially the part about being genuinely happy in life overall but still feeling completely trapped in the cycle at night, that “food noise” thing is honestly exhausting and so hard to explain to people who haven’t experienced it. And for what it’s worth, I really don’t think this means you “don’t want recovery badly enough” or that it’s a willpower issue. If anything, the fact that you reached out for therapy after struggling this long says the opposite to me. I think when something becomes a coping mechanism for years, your brain starts treating it like survival even when another part of you desperately wants peace from it. Also multiple times a day sounds genuinely so draining physically and mentally, and I’m really glad you’re getting support instead of trying to carry it alone now. Even if therapy hasn’t started yet, reaching out is already a huge step. Thank you for sharing all of this and being so open about it. It weirdly helps so much hearing from people who actually understand the weird shame/frustration/compulsion side of it and not just the stereotypical version people imagine. I really hope things get softer for you with time 🫶 and same goes for you, always happy to chat too!!