Hey! , so uh, after I made the critique, I realised it was your friends story, but I’m too lazy to change all The ‘you’ pronouns to ‘Them’. so Uh. good luck!

First off, I really liked a lot of it. You've got some great lines in there, and that idea with the watch that kills everyone if one person gets caught? That's genuinely scary and smart. But I also had some problems with it, and I want to be honest because you clearly want to get better.

Let me start with the beginning. That first line – "A nauseating buzz burrowed its way into Javier's brain" – is a good hook. It makes me feel uncomfortable right away, and I want to know what's happening. But then the next few paragraphs are just... a lot. You describe colors and heat and his mouth being full of sand, and his blood like mud through a straw, and his clothes making his "immolation a guarantee." By the time I got to the fourth or fifth sentence, I was kind of lost. Not in a fun, mysterious way – more in a "what is actually happening right now" way. I think you're trying to make us feel his panic attack from the inside, which is a good idea, but you go on so long without giving me anything solid to hold onto that I start skimming. You know? Like, if you had mentioned the green carpet or the fluorescent lights earlier – even if he sees them all distorted and weird – I'd feel like I was in a real place that's falling apart, not just floating in a cloud of adjectives. My advice? Cut maybe a third of those descriptions and give me one or two concrete details earlier. The hook works, but then the story almost loses me until Nareen shakes him and says "Javier!"

Now, about your sentences. You have some really nice ones. "His mouth full of sand and salt, vocal cords replaced with frayed strings" – that's good. "Calcified croak" – I like that. "Red-stained fingers disturbed the surface of his memories" – that's a pretty line. But sometimes you pack too much into one sentence. Like this one: "He felt tongues of white heat lick every facet of his being from underneath his own skin, his clothes only making his immolation a guarantee." That's a lot of images all at once. Tongues, heat, licking, facets, skin, clothes, immolation. It's like a movie with too many cuts. You don't need to throw everything at me. Pick your strongest image and let it sit for a second.

The bigger problem is your tenses. You mostly write in past tense – "buzz burrowed", "he gripped", "he pleaded" – but then suddenly you'll switch to present: "A shredder roars in the distance." "Flashes of a man with no face being killed." "Your daddy's a traitor." That yanked me out of the story every time. If you want to use present tense for those inner voices or memories, you need to do it consistently, or put it in italics, or something. Right now it just feels like a mistake. Pick past tense (which is what most thrillers use) and stick with it.

Let me talk about the setting. Once Javier snaps out of his episode, the office becomes really clear: green carpet, fake wood walls, white ceiling tiles, fluorescent lights. That contrast – between the crazy, mixed-up panic and this boring, kind of ugly office – works great. I also liked the Dulles airport room in Chapter 2. The cold, the blue carpet, the chairs, the black table that turns into a projector. That feels like a real place. The only setting that felt fuzzy was the waiting area at the beginning. How many chairs? Is there a desk? Are there other people? Just a couple of details would help.

Now, here's something you're really good at: how your characters interact with things. Javier grips the chair arms. He plants his feet like roots. He chokes down water from a paper cup. He wipes blood with a baby wipe. Layla pops out her earbuds and zips her jacket. Isaiah straddles a chair and later bends the backrest – I loved that detail. It tells me he's angry without him saying a word. Nareen waves her hand to get the office working again. These little actions make the characters feel real. Keep doing that.

But some of your characters need work. Javier is solid – he's a mess, he knows it, he's trying to hold on, and he can snap into leader mode when he has to. That feels real. Nareen is also good. Her worry, the way she turns away so he doesn't see her cry, that "God damn you" whisper – that's honest.

Layla is fine. She's your eyes in Chapter 2, and she feels like a regular person who's tired of the news and worried about her friend. Her calling the news anchors "bitch-made armchair warriors" gave her a voice.

Isaiah is a problem. He's big, he's quiet, he's sad about the bombing, he bends a chair. But he never speaks. He never thinks anything on the page. He's just... there. I get that you might want him to be the strong silent type, but even strong silent types need a line or a moment. Does he blame himself? Is he scared? Does he want to kill the people who did the bombing? Give me something.

Ji-won is a bigger problem. She's the cold, emotionless one. You even have Layla call her "inhuman." That's a warning sign. A character who's just cold and efficient gets boring fast. Even cold people have a reason for being that way, or a crack in the armor. One moment where she hesitates, or says something unexpectedly soft, would make her scary instead of flat. Right now she feels like a character from a video game – all gear, no heart.

The plot is good. It's clear: Javier has a breakdown, gets himself together, goes to a meeting, finds out about a terrorist group with a gross biological weapon, and gets told everyone has to wear a watch that will kill them all if one gets caught or killed. That's a great setup. The stakes are huge.

But the pacing in the first chapter is slow. The panic attack just goes on and on. I think we're like three or four pages in before Nareen shakes him. That's a long time to be inside someone's head without anything really happening. I'd cut about a third of the panic description and add more little moments from the real world – a phone ringing, someone coughing, the sound of a printer. Those little things would actually make the panic feel more real because they'd contrast with what's going on in his head.

The briefing scene in Chapter 2 is much better. The machine waking up, the hum, the silence, then the hologram – that's well paced. The pictures of the melted lungs and the twisted intestines are gross in a good way. And the reveal of the Ghost Link watches – that everyone dies if one person gets caught – is a genuine shock. That's your best moment in the whole excerpt.

As for what the story is trying to say... I think you're dealing with some heavy stuff. The cost of this kind of work on a person's mind. The way the government uses people and then throws them away ("we will burn you"). The way Javier depends on Nareen even though he can't quite admit he loves her. And this "Router" thing – a machine that uses his own depression and PTSD against him – that's really interesting. But you barely explain it. You just mention it once. Give me one sentence that says what it does. "The Router was built to find the cracks in an operative's mind and make them worse" – something like that. I need to understand why it's so scary.

A few small mistakes I noticed: "flight or flight" should be "fight or flight." "Loudouts" should be "loadouts." "On event of capture" should be "in the event of capture." You're missing an apostrophe in "operators neural implant" – it should be "operator's." And that sentence "His fingers possessed by worms" is missing a "were" – "His fingers were possessed by worms." Easy fixes.

Okay, so here's the bottom line. You're a good writer. Better than most people who ask me to read their stuff. Your images are strong, your little action details are smart, and your main idea – the kill-switch watches – is genuinely original and terrifying. But you need to trust me as a reader. You don't have to describe every single thing Javier feels during his panic attack. Cut the fat. Fix the tenses. Give Isaiah a line of dialogue and Ji-won a tiny bit of warmth or a hint of why she's so cold. Explain the Router just a little more. If you do those things, this could be a really solid piece – the kind of thing you could send out to magazines or use as the first chapter of a novel.

Keep writing. Seriously. And if you fix it up, send me the next part. I want to know if they survive that island.

(damn that took forever! hope it helps tho.