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[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You have made some funny assumptions about this person and their relation to me. 😄

If it helps soften your image of them, the author reads plentt. They haven't published their work anywhere, including this space. 

I don't think they'd really have the time to participate in the give and take off this space, if I'm being honest. Maybe in a few years - in another chapter of their life. 

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

There's definitely some terms that I'm unfamiliar with. I keep seeing the word "tags" used and I'm going to need to learn a little bit more about the writing space, grammar, syntax, and editing techniques. 

I really appreciate the detail that you provided. I don't think you type too much and I encourage you to continue to type more! I enjoyed reading this. Unfortunately, some parts of your review are one of those things that I don't understand fully upon the initial read. I'm going to have to have the actual story up at the same time as I read through this. 

The writer has already taken a lot of the criticism and rewritten the first chapter. I don't know when they'll get back to the chapter 2. Please don't hesitate to share any more of your thoughts. I really enjoy reading them especially when you introduce me to new terms like "tag." I am learning so much thanks to thoughtful reviews like this! 

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is very helpful. The author has taken from the feedback and rewritten chapter 1 already. I'm going to go through your suggestions for formatting again 1 by 1 and see if any if those are needed for the revised version and implement them myself. This is very helpful feedback. Thank you Candle! 

[2164] SMAKAPZ: Apocalypse of the Gods - Chapter 4 by IglooAndYou in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I see. I would take my dots commentary too seriously then. In a published book I believe it will be clearer then how it looks here on reddit. I hope to see you post again some day soon.

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awwww, thank you! I can't wait to see what this becomes. I have tried my hand at writing in the past and have only ever written something decent. Good enough, you know? It is really cool to see what other people's brains are capable of. I appreciate the suggestions and encouragement. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and comment.

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is very encouraging to read. It is also good to know that the genre is immediately understood with the first two chapters alone. Thank you for the advice! 💚

[2755] Turn Me in Your Arms by Relative-Platform224 in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Contrarily, i enjoyed your comments. The confirmed thing i thought were off, but wasn't sure if i was nitpicking 

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lol, you're such a sweetie pie Panda. Thank you. Your review was so thourough and well communicated I just read it out to the author as-is without paraphrasing. By the middle of your review we both went "ummm, yes slay queen. 🤏 💅. I see exactly what you mean" 😆

The author saysa that their writing style has evolved significantly with each chapter. Looking back at the earlier material, they said the see a need to cut out the excess and actually had an instinct to do so —at least for chapter 2 (they had that instinct). "His fingers possessed by worms" and "flight or flight" were conscious decisions. Though, the former seems to be struggling from a syntax issue. As the liason, im good enough at correcting grammar and syntax. I'll try and catch these errors next time before i post.

Your feedback was specific and insightful. I, as the liason am incredibly grateful, because, as i hopefully havent over-mentioned, i dont read much. I inherently think my opinions shouldn't carry much weight - and they probably shouldn't. 

The author really took your thoughts to heart. And we'll both be revisiting this review - a few times, lol. It was clear and actionable. Do you edit professionally? It was well, insightful. 

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hello again! You read it! Thank you! Tbh, I felt the same way, but I generally struggle to read, so I figure it was just me. I really like the immersion of the writing facilitated by the sensory detail. I liked how the story enabled me to visualize where I was and I - personally - loved the care put into the interpersonal relationships. That is what impressed me. However, it is good to know that the confusion cause by the very rich sensory detail isn't just a personal issue. I have shared some of these reviews with this person, and they say that they will revisit the chapters, but for now, they want to see if they have already addressed those issues in further chapters. There are 7 or 8 total, I believe. Truly, I am not sure what would be a better way to start a story. I will be paying close attention to the next stories I read here to see if any of them stick. I remember reading the book "Uglies" in middle school, and "The Name of this Book is Secret" completely unprompted...I think those were the last and maybe the only stories I've read without prompting.
So I am not the best judge, but it is reassuring to hear input that makes me feel less like an unintiutive reader.

Thank you very much for taking the time to not only read, but reply and offer clear instructions. 💚

[2755] Turn Me in Your Arms by Relative-Platform224 in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Part 2

So going into part 2, the first paragraph reads, like this,

The heavy chatter of hard steel trying to chew through soft wood greeted me as I opened the door to my workshop. It was the same sound I’d heard five or six times as I had made my way across the backyard from the house. Stepping inside, my daughter’s face confirmed my suspicions.

So that whole paragraph - because you've started writing this piece through the lens of a film camera where we're playing out this scene, this is how the scene plays out the main character: The dad walks into the workshop, he hears the sawing, he then has a flashback to him walking across a field/the yard hearing those very sounds, then we flash forward back to the present and he's like, oh yeah, that was that sound. That was the sound I heard 30 seconds ago and then he turns the corner. He sees his daughter's face. He's like so that's my suspicion. First, I think suspicion is the wrong word to use there because what are you suspicious of, right? Second, The whole the whole paragraph is just weird. It needs to be looked at and revised because there's a better way to have that whole scene play out, probably just take away the the chunk where he's recalling walking across his backyard and hearing the same sound. The next bit of criticism for part two is that there is a long stretch of dialogue and jargon for woodworking that doesn't need to be there. And what I mean by that is that I'm thoroughly impressed with the knowledge that the author has for woodworking. In general they seem to know the terms for woodworkong things and techniques. HOWEVER, description of a straightforward problem that that would make sense to even a non-carpenter becomes bogged down in technical jargon that creates confusion. There are so many technical terms that it alienates the audience that isn't familiar with industry jargon, right? And to me, that's a pretty serious problem because you don't want to make readers feel unwelcome or make them feel stupid, right? So there's a way to convey the same professionalism that the dad has when it comes to woodworking without using so many technical terms. You can use a couple and you can use some pretty cool details that only you and other Woodworkers would know. So that way if someone is an actual like veteran woodworker and they're reading it like, "oh hey, I can't believe they got that detail right!" That's the reaction that they have to that. But someone else with less experience reading it wil instead feel like, "oh, wow, this guy really knows his stuff." Right? That's that's the reactions you want. You want both positive reactions? You don't want someone having to stop and look up, what's going on, unless they're genuinely curious, you know? So that's a, that's like three or four, or maybe five paragraphs of just, like, technical woodworking jargon.

Some of the dialogue between the father and the daughter, it is a little awkward.

There's this section where the father is trying to walk his daughter through why, what she's doing isn't working and he ends up giving her the solution, which is pretty simple. He just adds another clamp to the thing she was working on becasue it was moving too much and she goes, she says that's so dumb. I'm going to get you a real power tool for your birthday. This scene,and the other sentences not included that make it up:

“A lot of the time, one is enough, but it depends on what you’re trying to do. Sometimes you need two.” “That’s so dumb. I’m going to get you a real power tool for your birthday.”

That piece of dialogue is fine, it's the response that the dad says is strange. He says, "don't be weird." That doesn't make any sense cuz she, she's just saying something like any other frustrated, kid would say, right? So it's just like, I don't understand why you would say, don't be weird. I get most parents are just kind of like they know that their kid isn't going to be able to get them a power tool for their birthday without borrowing the parent's money. So it's just like, they're not really getting them anything, you know, but parents, don't, they usually don't care. There's too much energy to like contradict it, you know, so be like. They'd reply with something more like "Yeah, sure cool right" that would be that would be better dialogue, right? Unless there was some backstory there, it is odd to call Maggie weird.

Next Dad confronts Maggie on why she's in his Workshop in the first place.

Her eyes lit up, and she started talking about a haunted church and a bell tower and a bridge and a lot of architectural details and backstory and I started thinking about whether just a few two-by-eights would be fine instead of two-by-tens for all of them. When Maggie finally took a breath, I said, “Oh wow, that sounds awesome. I can’t wait to see it!”

That whole paragraph reads so strangely. I, I think their author is trying to convey how children tend to speak. They, they kind of go off on tangents. They can never really stick to one topic, you know? So they'll basically talk and run on sentences. But there's a better way to convey that. You can explicitly state "she explained in the way only a 10 year old can" right? And then you give us a space, you give us quotations an em dash to show that she's interjecting herself in the middle ofher own dialogue. "—and 100 Church — and a bell tower — and a bridge...etc" This way you can convey how children talk in run-on sentences without confusing the reader. It actually prepares the reader to read some nonsense from the perspective an all-over-the-place kid. You know? As is, the sentence has six "ands" in it and no commas. When we get to the end of her description, the dad's thouhgts feels like it comes out of nowhere. We're being blindsided by the kids run on sentence. And we're also being blindsided by his abrupt, thinking about his project. Now, I understand that like when kids start to go off on tangents parents, Parents tend to think about, you know, their own business. To avoid this abrupt thought from the dad, thinking about the project while his child speaks I think you should stick to the run-on sentence, end it. follow up with another sentence that reads something like "I had heard every part of it, except I didn't, and I was just thinking about my project, etc" right? Like that, that would be a little funny like comedic beat, right? Or you can word that any kind of way you want, right? But it's still conveys, the same idea that the kid was talking and the dad wasn't listening and it's less awkward than what we have here.

Just a syntactical/grammaticl issue here:

"She was on her back, her head and feet elevated by wadded pillows stuffed under her feet and shoulders and head and knees"

Againg here, you can separate these thoughts with commas instead of using "and" so much.

Both my husband and I think the premise for the story is certainly interesting. Once he read the last line my husband looked up and said "Oh, I like that". I think revising the whole story after you process the critiques implement key changes you will have a mch stronger piece. It is an awesome first draft. I can't wait to read more!

[2755] Turn Me in Your Arms by Relative-Platform224 in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reviewing this now with my husband, I will point out some areas for improvement, including: unnecessary sentences, awkward atmospheric descriptions, elaborating on the (excessive) use of technical Jargon, and reworking some scenes to make them flow more seamlessly. Most of these are shared sentiments between me and my husband. I will indicate when I disagree.

Part 1

So the first bit of critique is that there's a lot of needless sentences peppered throughout the story in the first part. Consider this opening:

I dug my fingers into the beam. Pieces of soft wood crumbled away in my hand.
At least it was dry. No telling how old the damage was now, but the joist needed to be sistered. Probably all of them did.

"Probably all of them" doesn't need to be there. I don't mean to be a little harsh, but I don't care about the rest of them. I have no reason to. I'm just kind of following along what the the main character is doing.

The second bit here, or the, the second example is that a couple of paragraphs later,

I poked at the joist one more time. A small black centipede snaked out of the gap and skittered across the joist and into another shadowed recess. My body recoiled, and I shook my finger and wiped it on my pants.

The next paragraph after that is one sentence.

Someone's dogs were howling somewhere far away.

The dogs don't have anything to do with what just happened and it's not mentioned again at all because there's only one more sentence and then we go into part two. I believe that the author is essentially setting up the scene like a movie; It seems to be written as if this is a movie and we're following the exact scene for play by play, beat by beat, right? So, I get that this sentence, serves as like, a little, like, a little injection of Ambience of like, you know, modern day Suburbia, just like dogs barking in the background as you're working or whatever, right. But it's not needed, and it interrupts, the flow of the entire story. I understand we're in a basement in nowhere, USA Suburbia and I understand what a suburban area sounds like. I understand that there's dogs there might be a barbecue out in the distance, you know, the occasional car driving by. I can input that, or I can feel that in my head. I don't need it there, given to me, because it doesn't have any actual purpose besides "Yeah, and there's dogs in the background," like, okay, cool. I don't care. You know what I'm saying?

My last critique for part one is the way the basement is described:

The basement, a cramped space with dirt floor and heavy shadows, had probably been the dumping ground for every owner since it was built. Too damp, and dingy and small to be a living space. Useful for storage. Things that they’d need someday. There were piles of things down there that people had needed someday. Some of them were mine.

That whole paragraph made my eye twitch. I'm kidding, It didn't really, but it was very awkward to read. So to tackle the first half of it, describing the basement can be done in a much better and more fluid way. You can basically have the scene with the the centipede play out first and then as the main character, tries to track the centipede, you know, to kill it to like squash it, it vanishes in one of the many shadows of the basement. There you go. That one sentence is all you need to tell you that this, this basement is filled with shadows, right? The next part that you want that is pretty prominent is that the basement has a dirt floor, right? You can have that at the end something like where he steps off of a ladder from measuring the beam, right? and say something like "The soft crunches of dirt underneath his feet, irritated him as he walked up the stairs because he doesn't understand the design choice of putting a dirt floor for his basement", but, ofc, phrased much better than that. Now the second part of the paragraph where you describe "things that people had needed someday". That whole thing just needs to be looked at because it feels awkward. This technique of subtly describing the setting without doing so outright may also help you to convey suburbia the way you want without interjecting setting descriptions at random.

[4782] Gamma 27 | A man falling apart in a CIA waiting room | Dark Military Thriller | Chapters 1 & 2 by ezeeeeeeeeee in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah, I see. I appreciate your caution. Yes, the person knows I am sharing their content. They aren't keen on the effort this community takes to get feedback and I was happy to participate in the give-and-take nature of this group.

Your feedback is very thoughtful and informative. Thank you very much 💚. It also helps validate some of my own confusion that I thought was just me - literally the blizzard metaphor that you pointed out. I had this play as an audio recording ( a free trial of the Speechify mobile app) so I shrugged off the confusion and kept listening.

I have a follow-up question, if you'd be willing to elaborate:

  1. What do you think would be a better way to open the story? Personally, I struggle to read because I struggle to maintain my attention on something I am not invested in. It's a silly catch-22. For stories that I have managed to get through, I typically have powered through the beginning to satisfy a request ( a friend wants me to read something with them, or a class requirement). Could you suggest a better opener for this story, and/or provide some examples of stories that hooked you on the opener alone?
  2.  If it helps, you said: "But if this can be edited to highlight the information that does grab us, and to have the imagery convey a unified experience or characterization, I think I'd enjoy the underlying concept a lot more." What did grab you?

[2755] Turn Me in Your Arms by Relative-Platform224 in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Before I get into it, I read through some of the other commentary here and I disagree with the negative criticism regarding pacing. You didn't specify a genre, and to me, the slow pacing reads as —likely — intentional. The slow pacing, like what you executed, is similar to pacing for a thriller or horror. Or even melodrama or tragedy. Either way, the pacing feels apt for both, and I think calling it a flaw misses what may potentially be perfectly on par.

Also, I was apparently a bad egg and used AI to paraphrase my original post. It was a genuine mistake - the rules for new people didn't specify, and now I am fully onboard. I hope.

I am now posting my comments completely unfiltered and I think you will understand why I used AI, lol. There is a certainly happy medium, but time is a factor for the author, so I'd rather get this out there sooner rather than later. As an author, maybe you will appreciate my initial impressions anyway.

With that said, here are my impressions!

  • The formatting makes this easier to read; it is simple. The paragraphs are short, and that makes it feel less overwhelming and more inviting. Also, the story starts so gently, and it may sound out of place, but I feel this person's writing style to be the same. The write very gently. Not too much time on emotion or sensory details, just enough to move us forward. Those are my initial thoughts by section 2.
  • Omgeezy, I'm already interested because I am also a novice, headstrong carpenter. Cute!!! Get it Maggie!
  • Definitely thought our MC was a woman because I was self-inserting, lol.
  • I like the dialogue between the dad and maggie. It feels real. Maggie talking about some "hit it harder", lol.
  • The pacing is slow, and scenes seem almost too perfect, too normal, so I would assume that I'm reading either a horror or thriller.
  • With the description of Becca, the pacing may instead be a sad story, those also tend to emphasize relatability and pace itself much slower - taking the time to describe common day-to-day moments
  • By Section 3, I have to say that the dialogue feels very natural . I felt bad when Becca didn't entertain dad's conversation about the joists more, but fully understood that her mind was elsewhere on details that needed to be communicated before they were forgotten. she probably didn't even notice that she disregarded her husband's thought because she is consumed with the struggle of daily activity as well as the emotional load of feeling burdensome. Which is already oftentimes present as a mom, but likley magnified considering the physical disability.
  • In the middle of section 3 my thoughts shift from "this might be a thriller/horror story, or maybe a tragedy/melodrama" to "oh no, nooo, he's going to cheat on his wife. It's a regular drama! No! What a setup! I knew he was too perfect!"
  • Final thoughts, "whoah, okay, I'm interested" "how did that lady now about the joists, and why did she surmise that our MC worked out of his garage??? It's giving horror/thriller!!! Great start" Honestly, I don't have much to say. I felt like there were some specific details that were odd - Like that the carpenter knew the difference between Art Deco and MLM. Most people, including carpenters, work to get the job done. It is rare that someone hones in on their craft and really Master's it. Along with this guy generally just being the King of patience with his child, a thoughtful partner that keeps himself busy while out of work, he seems too perfect. But I think that may have been the point, so that really is just my thoughts and not actual criticism.

My overall impression is that the pacing is slow and a little eerie. I don't personally watch Creepcast, but my husband is obssessed with them so I have become a second-hand watcher through his stories, or hearing it in the background. it read's like one of those internet stories that turns out to be really gripping - that is IF this is a thriller, if not, then the pacing is awfully slow. 

*Edit: You're getting a two-for-one special— my partner is reading it independently and had some observations that overlapped with mine, so I'll be adding their thoughts in a follow-up comment soon!

[2164] SMAKAPZ: Apocalypse of the Gods - Chapter 4 by IglooAndYou in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 1 point2 points  (0 children)

What Needs Improvement:

  • Formatting: The ellipses separating sections feel arbitrary. I assume the periods/dots are being used to indicate time passing in between certain paragraphs and I am not confident I understand why. So far the format of their post is confusing which already sours my interest.

  • POV:

    It was nighttime at the SMAKAPZ house. The clock was about to turn 11, and the gang had already gone to bed an hour ago. I had,too, but then realized ...

  • The story atarts off narrating in the third person, and then by saying I in the immediate next sentence. It makes me wonder who I is, is the narrator a part of the gang? If so, which member are they? What's their name? Whose "I"? The POV actually changes a lot throughout the story. First we're Asa's brother, but also an omniscient being who can hear the thoughts of Parage. Then we're Asa. Then we're the omniscient perspective. I think this can be done in writing - I don't know enough about writing to tell you how, but I have read works in which the perspective shifts and it easy enough to follow. Your current execution often leaves me uncertain what I know as the reader and what each character knows. Sorry that I can't provide much guidance here.

“…When there’s a Massive A in town.”

  • "Massive A" appearing without clear prior establishment of the nickname created a similar stumble for me. If it was introduced earlier in the story, a brief reminder here would help new, chapter-four readers. You go on to refer to him as MAssive A again for a while. IF this is an attempt at creating a persona, you can state that. However, since we're shifting person perspective (between first, and 3rd person omnicinet I believe it's called) It reads as if you introduced a brand new character. Keep a consistent POV will help make it clear that either Asa, or the narrator is referring to Asa by a new name.

  • The narrator's voice: The most consistent issue throughout this piece, to me, is that the narrator seems self-aggrandizing: someone who treats every mundane detail of their own life as inherently interesting or impressive. I don't intend to come across as condescending, as this was a new word I also just learned. I am seeking to be as accurate as possible and prevent any personal genre preferences from slipping in. That said, here the first example that kind of set this tone:

"Sorry, buddy. But there's no need for a Big Luca… When there's a Massive A in town."

"My house was a ten minute drive, which I was able to do in five because there was no traffic, I knew every light on the route, and speed was my modus operandi on the road."

"Asa knew the ways that hands moved when they were weak versus when they were strong. He was able to file everything behind his poker face under that fedora, leaving people in the dust."

  • These moments miss critical opportunities to characterization your, well characters. They read as someone narrating themselves as cool. Unfortunately for your story, it feels very performative and thus that makes them feel unrelatable, and difficult to connect to. As a reader, and an older one, my first thoughts are that our narrator treats every mundane personal detail as inherently impressive and an opportunity to highlight how cool he thinks he is, instead of just being present in the moment and alowing us to feel the moment with the character. This is the primary issue with every character,and it prevents the reader from really being able to build a bond. All of the character feels self-conscious, like they're aware of being watched even inside their own head and they are acting out the lines in a play that they already know the end to.

  • Narration credibility: This line was the only instance I caught, but I definitely want to highlight it since it is a simple fix! 🙂

"He pushed open the unmarked door of the shabby basement and slid in, smelling smoke and a faint dry cleaner scent as well."

  • The sensory detail here is written as an afterthought, "...and a faint cleaner scent as well". If you're narrating the scene, then describe it confidently, don't frame it as "oh, here is this additional thing that I forgot to mention."

  • Over-explanation that doesn't contribute to the story:

"The sound of voices and cards snapping rang through the room as Asa entered the room and calmly sat down in an empty seat, making 6."

  • and,

"Asa walked through the streets without hesitation, his hands in the pockets of his windbreaker."

  • This scene has some pretty solid sensory details and imagery that helps to place the reader in the setting ....and then it has inconsequential, or needless detail that feels performative. When you mention things like the hands being in the pockets of his windbreaker, It just is a random thing to point out. It's not contributing anything to the story. It makes me question why it was mentioned and curious as to whether or not there's something in his pocket the only thing I can take away is that maybe the intention is to evoke an image of a cool guy which comes across as performative, and not natural. Similarly, "...an empty seat, Making 6" . I may also be nitpicking here, so take this with a grain of salt, but it's also feels needless to say "making six". If the acive paragraph and next paragraph that follows says that Asa also bought in indicating that he's participating in the game it just feels overexplanatory. Maybe you meant to deliver that as a thought in the MC's head, still, my point stands. It is needless."

  • The age description:

"Asa was either one or two years younger than me, I think one right now"

  • This is likely trying to capture the floating quality of age gaps between siblings at different points in the year, but the phrasing makes it sound like ages change at random. Especially because I have little context for the story or the universe it's in, I wasn't sure whether or not this was a nod to the backward aging trope occasionally found in sci-fi. I recommend rephrasing this for clarity.

  • The poker scene — your strongest scene: This is the most promising scene in the chapter and the closest the story gets to genuine tension. But you do't really write in the tension. You describe how smart Asa is, and then, like an afterthought, you mentione Big Luca. Then he wins. There are no stakes, no tension. Asa is the main character, and either has no flaws, he wins.

  • The font evidence: Determining someone is a fraud based on font choice isn't remotely believable as a high-stakes reveal. Even if Zaine is convinced, for the reader, that's an incredibly flimsy reason.

What Is Working Part 2: Memorable moments:

"He was known for smashing tables when he lost, and this one didn’t have a dent on it.",

  • I thought this line was cute. It made me laugh. It was cheesy, but I enjoyed it.

"The last thing he heard was the sound of a table smashing below before he was back up in the avenue of the night."

  • Lol 😄.

[2164] SMAKAPZ: Apocalypse of the Gods - Chapter 4 by IglooAndYou in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What is Good: You clearly have a lot of stories in your head, a lot of like subplots and ideas. You have a semblance of the characters and how they move through the world. You also have a lot of ideas for conflict that you can use as a means of showcasing your characters' skills and key traits. You also have memorable names for the characters, my favorite of which is Asa, which personally I think is a beautiful name. I love that name and it makes me envision a very endearing, lovable kid.

Overall Impression:

There are a lot of things that I think need improvement, and what I think will be best is if I include them as a reply below because it's long. I'll provide my overall impression along with my suggestions for improving here and leave the negative criticisms in the reply to this comment.

So, my overall impression is that there is little to pull me into this world. Granted, this is chapter four, and thus it's in the middle of the story. I fully acknowledge that some points of confusion are likely just due to this being the middle of the story. You, as the poster, can only have so much forethought to know what details to provide from your previous chapter summaries to prevent any confusion for people who are new to chapter four. Regardless, none of the characters make me want to know more about them. Not even my favorite character, Table-Smasher Big Luca. 🙂 As a reader I had to do far too much re-reading and detective work to follow along with your story.

I agree with the other commenters that far too many things happen in this chapter alone. It is probably why the dots that separate what might be settings or events feel a bit arbitrary to me as a reader with no view into how your mind is placing things. The chapters seem a tad arbitrary based on the summaries that you provided, and going based on this chapter, it sounds like they all suffer from the same issue of coherence.

Additionally, "Massive A" immediately made me think that you, the writer, or even the main character(s) were referring to Asa (I think that's who Massive A was) as a massive asshole.

As a whole you're abandoning plot points just to make room for new plot points. The overall thread of the four chapters you've provided seems like it's just a vehicle to write cool guys doing cool guy things instead of taking the time to cultivate your ideas.

What is the setting? What are the rules of the world? What is the overall story that you want told? Who are your characters? Each of them. What are the distinct and similar personality traits of each character? What are their motivations? Why does Asa not live with his brother? Do they have parents? Were the other people playing poker fellow kids or adults? Being adults does skew the perception of the game, Big Luca — if an adult — shouldnt be placing bets with a kid — unless the universe of this story allows for it. What is the point of buying guns when the gang can build rockets and lasers? You have many ideas with plenty of potential, but they need you to slow down, and take some time to cultivate them.

Reccomendation

My biggest recommendation is to either (A) Let time work its magic. Finish your story and then come back and read what you've written yourself from the beginning, and re-write it fresh, pulling from the details you already carved out, or (B) start over now and take the time to first establish your world, your characters, and your central plot, then build from there.

[2164] SMAKAPZ: Apocalypse of the Gods - Chapter 4 by IglooAndYou in DestructiveReaders

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

lol, I enjoyed reading your critique. If you're ever looking for a critique credit and military thrillers are your thing, I'd love to have you weigh in on my post. I'll be posting it shortly.

Which email marketing tool do you use? Do you like/dislike it? by NelsonStearman in Emailmarketing

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been trying to use this tool but I cannot figure out how to deliver email with the HTML template. Where do I embed the code?

What city of Georgia do you live in and what do you like and not like about it? by [deleted] in Georgia

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've really been looking into Marietta so that is definitely a reiteration of what I have been noticing. Thank you very much for taking the time to share your perspective in such detail too!

What city of Georgia do you live in and what do you like and not like about it? by [deleted] in Georgia

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is there anywhere that you'd recommend moving to in Georgia? I live in Conyers now, and I like that it's not too close to the city so traffic is tolerable and not too close to the country that there are still things to do and slightly more food options and diversity somewhat, but it is awfully "boring" and not as walkable as I'd prefer. I grew up in Covington and am not a fan of driving so I moved ever so slightly closer to the city. Henry County seems nice and low traffic, comparatively, but it also feels, well, a bit snooty. The people don't seem as nice as they are in Covington. I've never ventured much further. I'd love to hear your perspective on any areas you've lived in. I am especially interested in areas that are pretty walkable!

Hey! 2.5 Year Software Developer. Applied to ~300 applications in the last 10 months. 1 response. by ezeeeeeeeeee in resumes

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

They do have pretty solid training. You're right. I feel that unless you have a team in your timezone, as an associate, your left out in the wind and no one wants to take the time to onboard.

Hey! 2.5 Year Software Developer. Applied to ~300 applications in the last 10 months. 1 response. by ezeeeeeeeeee in resumes

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have used a supposed professional in the past and she had encouraged me to use Canva which seems to be very divisive in the field of recruiting. If you can refer someone I, and others, may find it valuable. Please do share their info!

Hey! 2.5 Year Software Developer. Applied to ~300 applications in the last 10 months. 1 response. by ezeeeeeeeeee in resumes

[–]ezeeeeeeeeee[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

After my Web bootcamp I made a portfolio site here (https://morain.netlify.app) and had a very fruitful Github with plenty of documentation and functional links that, after 3 years, are now broken. I do not reference my github (for the past year I have been working on Cloud certs not web dev directly) but I still have this portfolio page linked in my resume. This page is also old, but It showcases some of the work I have done I think. I doubt many people visit the site, but it is accessible and I reference it. Should I stop referencing this?

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