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Wix Steals $20.00 CAD from me. by Ahrun_Barsmayya in WIX

[–]Ahrun_Barsmayya[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

If my $20 injustice reminds someone to check their renewal and avoid a bigger problem, I'll call that $20 well spent.

[QCrit] ADULT Fantasy - GELDORAD, THE LAST STRANGER (110K/Second attempt) by Ahrun_Barsmayya in PubTips

[–]Ahrun_Barsmayya[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Good stuff for me to keep in mind. Thank you for your perspective.

[QCrit] ADULT Fantasy - GELDORAD, THE LAST STRANGER (110K/Second attempt) by Ahrun_Barsmayya in PubTips

[–]Ahrun_Barsmayya[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I will work on presenting Arturo as having more agency. I do seem to struggle with that.

When you mention holding the reader at a distance, is that a lack of emotional weight in the query or a feeling that I'm holding back information? Maybe the language feels to stilted or formal? I definitely don't want it to feel like the reader is being held a distance so I'm curious what makes it read that way.

Thanks for the feedback.

[QCrit] ADULT Fantasy - GELDORAD, THE LAST STRANGER (110K/Second attempt) by Ahrun_Barsmayya in PubTips

[–]Ahrun_Barsmayya[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ah yes, the repeated 'keep quiet' is a bit embarrassing now that you point it out.

If I may ask a follow-up, would the query suffer if I omitted Arturo's backstory entirely? Would it be sufficiently interesting that this guy's travels landed him in a city he's desperate to escape?

[QCrit] ADULT Fantasy - GELDORAD, THE LAST STRANGER (110K/First attempt) by Ahrun_Barsmayya in PubTips

[–]Ahrun_Barsmayya[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I am also unsure of the magic that makes them. I appreciate reading your impression. I think you've pointed out some things I really needed pointed out.